Lifestyle

By Abdelghaffar Amoka

I have read comments from some ladies on social media that they can’t marry a man who earns less than a certain value, for example, N300k. I have no issue with setting such a minimum. I am of the school of thought that a man should be able and ready to take care of a woman before making that marriage decision. It is okay to set a minimum amount that the man must bring to the table. But that means you must have also set a minimum you are bringing to the table. So, what are you bringing to the table?

Don’t tell me about your body because we all have a body we are bringing to the table. Of course, your fine face and body shape may be the first point of attraction to a man. He will be wow! See beautiful face! See fine shape! Lower your gaze, bro. But that is just a motivation. A man needs more than a pleasing face in a woman/wife to keep him going. In the words of Jim Ryun, “Motivation gets you started, but habit keeps you going”. There must be something to keep you going, or else it crashes. 

In 2012, shortly after returning from the UK, I got into a talk with a lady I really liked. She told me she, too,really liked me, but her feelings for me were not enough to survive a lifetime relationship. I was happy with her honest submission. That was the most honest response I have got from a lady. So, both parties must bring something that will keep a lifetime relationship. That thing is most likely beyond your pretty face and his 300k. 

There are different kinds of wives. The normal wife and the Trophy wife. Do you want to be a Trophy wife? Your body is all that is needed to be. You can be brainless; it doesn’t matter; your value is in your physical appearance. You are just a status symbol who has to ensure a flawless look to enhance the social status of your husband. He sure knows you need that money to spend on your looks to stay attractive to him and the clients you are to impress. He will make provision for that. They (Trophy wives) seem to serve the same purpose as models. 

For the normal wife, your value is not your physical appearance but your personality. The same personality that made you feel he would be a great husband and father to your kids. Husband and wife are full-fledged partners in making their home happy and prosperous. They are supposed to be loyal and faithful to one another and genuinely interested in each other’s welfare and the welfare of their children. A woman is expected to exercise a humanising influence over her husband and to soften the sternness inherent in his nature.

While a fine face could be the motivation for a lifetime relationship, we are expected to bring our heads to the table. We should be able to share ideas. He should be somebody to look up to and be able to be your guide. He should also be able to tell you the ideas in his head for your input and criticism. You should be his second opinion. You should be able to help him grow his ideas.

A man is enjoined to also educate and develop the women in his care so that they cultivate the qualities in which they, by their very nature, excel. You should be willing for that development. You should be able to transform your ideas into a product, even from your kitchen, to support yourself. He will want to come home and be told: “Sweetheart, I have done so and so to transform the 100k you gave me the other time to 120k and have got so, and so plans to re-invest it for more gain”. He will be like, Yeah! That is my wife.

He may not need the money as he is responsible for taking care of you. But you should be able to support yourself in some things. You can also voluntarily support him without asking. Marriage is about growing a family. It’s not just about bringing a minimum of N300k to the table. The N300k may still not be enough if she doesn’t have what it takes to manage it. It is having what it takes to help him manage and maximise his resources for the family. 

You are not a commodity. You are priceless. Stop objectifying yourself. Your worth and potential are in your head. It does not lie on that flaunted sexualised fatty part of the body. Your value is unquantifiable. Stop putting a price tag on yourself. Not even the pleasure derived from talking with each other can be priced. No amount of money can buy that. Take a lesson from those humble, beautiful women and wives who are professionals and entrepreneurs. There are a number of them that I admire every day.

To brothers, if you are looking for a Trophy wife, ensure you have the cash to maintain the trophy. Her flawless look must be kept intact against all odds. 

Dear friends, be yourself and listen to yourself. Relationships are not destined to be or not to be. They work because the people involved find something interesting about themselves and are willing to make sacrifices to make it work. I hope to write about my mother someday. Don’t live by social media. Don’t get carried away by social media euphoria. Don’t let some frustrated individuals on the net confuse you. The value of family is priceless. Let’s bring our heads to the table to build that small empire for a beautiful family. 

Abdelghaffar Amoka Abdelmalik, PhD, wrote from Ahmadu Bello University, Zaria. He can be reached via aaabdelmalik@gmail.com.

By Suleiman Ahmed

1. When things are going well for you, remain humble. It’s not just about your hard work, intelligence, skills, or talents; factors like luck, good timing, opportunities, and privileges also play a role.

2. Conversely, when things are going bad for you, forgive yourself and avoid falling into despair. Some aspects are beyond your control. As long as you did what you had to, forgive yourself, learn from the outcome, correct your mistakes, and keep moving forward. 

3. You’re not as good as you think you are when you’re winning, and you’re not as bad as you think you are when things are going poorly. Take it easy.

4. Bad things will happen. It doesn’t matter if you’re a good person or not; bad things can happen to anyone. There are too many variables beyond your control. This is why it’s crucial to prepare for challenging days when things are going well. 

The Igala people have a wise saying: “In times of abundance, prepare for hardship.” Life isn’t all about feasting; there will be moments of famine. What you do during times of plenty determines how you cope during times of scarcity. A great year doesn’t guarantee the next one will be the same. Life is unpredictable. Another crisis might happen, or unexpected challenges may arise. 

Many things are beyond your control, so staying prepared is the best way to handle surprises. In essence, the Igala wisdom encourages prudence during prosperous times. It teaches us to resist the temptation to indulge in extravagant spending during good times and, finally, to adopt a sustainable life, diligently saving for unforeseen emergencies. 

A lack of preparation for the bad times exposes one to relying on charity from others for financial assistance when hard times eventually arrive. While this may not be wrong in and of itself, relying on people’s benevolence during emergencies is not only risky but also unfair to both yourself and the people you seek help from, especially if feelings of betrayal arise when they can’t rescue you. Numerous relationships have been strained due to one party’s inability to offer financial support during times of distress. It’s crucial to recognise that we don’t always know the challenges others are silently facing. Therefore, feeling offended or betrayed when they are unable to help is rather unkind. 

In summary, stay humble and frugal during good times, forgive yourself and remain patient during bad times, and stay prepared for the unexpected. While the future is unpredictable, being prepared helps you handle surprises better.

The path is long. 

The burden is heavy. 

May your arm be strong. 

May your sword be sharp.

Suleiman Ahmed is the author of TROUBLE IN VALHALLA. He is also a software engineer. He is available on X/Twitter via @sule365.

By Ladi Ibrahim

Early marriage, also known as child marriage, remains a persistent issue in Nigeria, where cultural traditions, poverty, and limited access to education contribute to this harmful practice. Despite significant progress made in addressing child marriage globally, Nigeria still grapples with high rates of early marriage, adversely affecting the lives of countless young girls. This article aims to illuminate the causes, consequences, and potential solutions to this deeply rooted societal problem.

Several factors contribute to the prevalence of early marriage in Nigeria. Cultural norms and traditions play a pivotal role, with many communities believing that marrying off their daughters at a young age protects their honour and ensures their future safety. Poverty is another critical factor, as families with limited resources may see marrying their daughters off early as an economic relief or an attempt to secure a better life for them.

Furthermore, lack of access to quality education, especially for girls, perpetuates the cycle of early marriage. Limited educational opportunities deprive young girls of the chance to develop essential skills, pursue independent livelihoods, and gain awareness about their rights. Additionally, prevailing gender inequalities and discrimination further exacerbate the problem, limiting gender equality and social progress.

Early marriage has detrimental effects on the physical, mental, and emotional well-being of young girls. Firstly, it exposes them to serious health risks, as their bodies are often not fully developed to bear children, resulting in complications during pregnancy and childbirth. Early marriage also robs girls of their right to education, denying them the chance to reach their full potential and contribute meaningfully to society.

Moreover, young brides often face economic hardships, lacking the necessary skills or education to secure stable employment. This perpetuates the cycle of poverty, subsequently affecting future generations. Early marriage is also linked to a higher incidence of domestic violence, mental health issues, and limited decision-making power for girls and women within their households.

Addressing the issue of early marriage in Nigeria requires a holistic approach that involves multiple stakeholders, including the government, civil society organisations, religious leaders, and communities. 

 Enhancing access to quality education, particularly for girls, is pivotal to breaking the cycle of early marriage. This can be achieved by providing scholarships, building schools closer to rural communities, and promoting educational campaigns focused on child rights and gender equality.

Strengthening existing laws that criminalise child marriage is essential, accompanied by strict enforcement mechanisms to hold perpetrators accountable. Providing young girls with vocational training and economic opportunities can dismantle the economic rationale behind early marriage. Such initiatives can help them gain financial independence and empower them to make informed choices.

 Collaborating with religious and community leaders to change social norms and customs that perpetuate early marriage is crucial. Obtaining their support and involvement is vital for building awareness and changing mindsets.

Expanding healthcare facilities and services in rural areas, specifically aimed at addressing the unique needs of young brides, can contribute to reducing the health risks associated with early pregnancy and childbirth.

Early marriage continues to be a significant challenge in Nigeria, depriving countless young girls of their rights and potential. By addressing the root causes of this practice through education, legal reforms, economic empowerment, community engagement, and access to healthcare, Nigeria can pave the way for a brighter future for its girls. Efforts to end early marriage require synergy, collaboration, and a relentless commitment to ensuring that every child in Nigeria has the opportunity to grow, thrive, and determine their destiny.

Ladi Ibrahim wrote from the Department of Mass Communication, University of Maiduguri.

By Usman Muhammad Salihu

In our busy lives, we often overlook a fundamental truth: sharing what little we have can bring blessings to others and ourselves. It doesn’t require grand gestures or lavish gifts; sometimes, small acts of sharing can profoundly impact lives and illuminate the world.

Sharing fosters connections between people, whether it’s with a friend, a family member, or even a stranger. These bonds can be significant, reminding us of our shared humanity. Sharing brings joy, whether you’re offering your time, food, or old clothes. Giving, even in modest amounts, can bring immense happiness and contentment. Knowing you’ve made someone else’s day better is a joy.

What might seem insignificant to you could mean the world to someone in need. Your extra meal or a warm blanket could mean the difference between hunger and comfort for someone less fortunate. Sharing eases the burden of those in hardship and can inspire others to do the same, creating a cycle of kindness that brightens the world one act at a time. Moreover, it cultivates gratitude for the small blessings in your life, fostering a more positive outlook.

Across various cultures and beliefs, there’s a common understanding that what you give is what you receive or even more than that (givers never lack). The universe has a way of rewarding those who share, although not always in the same form. Sharing also minimises waste, putting resources to good use and contributing to a more efficient use of our planet’s resources.

Your act of sharing has a ripple effect, touching the lives of many. These blessings extend far beyond you, positively impacting the world. It’s not about the quantity you give but the quality of your heart when you give. A warm smile, a meal, or a helping hand – each act of sharing can change lives and enhance the world, one kindness at a time. Therefore, never underestimate the profound impact of sharing. It’s only in giving we receive the true blessings of life.

Usman Muhammad Salihu writes from Jos, Nigeria and can be reached via muhammadu5363@gmail.com.

By Aisha Musa Auyo

In simple terms, body shaming is defined as the action or practice of mocking or stigmatising someone by making critical comments about the shape, size, or appearance of their body.

Body shaming involves humiliating someone by making inappropriate or negative comments about their body size or shape. As well as “fat shaming,” you may also hear negative comments if you’re underweight or about a specific body part.

This type of criticism can be made to others or yourself. You may feel unhappy with your weight or body’s appearance and judge yourself harshly. You may even engage in negative self-talk, such as “I feel so fat today” or “I need to stop stuffing my face with food.”

The act of body shaming can be carried out in person or remotely via the internet and social media and can be done by your parents, siblings, friends, or people you’re not even close to.

Even in a joking manner, remarks about what you eat or how much food you consume constitute body shaming. Giving someone advice about dieting or praising weight loss is also considered body shaming, whether intentional or not. 

Your friends and family often don’t want to hurt your feelings, but their comments can still be critical. They may not realise the negative effect that questions like “Have you lost weight?” or “Do you need to eat all of that?” can have.

Why Do People Body Shame?

You know how hurtful these behaviours can be if you’ve received those judgments—or even within earshot of words, looks, and gestures that judge others. So why do people do it?

Before I discuss why people choose to body shame others, I would say right up front: reasons don’t equal excuses! Ever. There’s no appropriate reason to make another person feel bad about the skin they’re in.

At the same time, it can be helpful to understand the motivation behind a person’s hurtful words. Doing this gives us perspective. Perspective helps us decide on the best path forward. Depending on the situation, we might:

* Shake off what another person says about us

* Remain confident as we see the lack of confidence in others

* Understand the heart behind hurtful words

* Call out misbehaviour in a calm, respectful manner

* Shut down rude talk without room for more to be said

With this in mind, let’s gain some perspective on why people do it.

We could talk about many interesting things—and have many good reasons to laugh. So why talk about how a person looks, right? Unfortunately, plenty of people do. Let’s look at some of the reasons why

1. Insecurity: When a person feels self-conscious about their body, they may talk badly about another person’s body to make themselves feel better. 

2. Societal norms: For so long, joking about how people look has been something that many people were brought up thinking is okay. This is learned bias.

3. Societal norms: For so long, joking about how people look has been something that many people were brought up thinking is okay. This is learned bias.

4. Best of intentions: Friends, family members, and even medical professionals can think they’re helpful by pointing out perceived areas for improvement in another person.

5. Lack of awareness: A person may refer to a friend’s stature or frame and not realise that they’ve crossed a line or that the person on the receiving end doesn’t like it.

5. Immaturity and lack of empathy: Some people don’t take the time or care to consider their words or how they might affect another person.

Please, allow me to be blunt. Beyond gaining perspective, it doesn’t matter why a person chooses to body shame. After all, the results are the same. Body shaming is known to cause mental health problems, eating disorders, low self-esteem, etc.

Most of us know firsthand about the adverse effects of body shaming because we’ve been on the receiving end of it at one time or another—especially when we were growing up. Research shows that 94% of teen girls and 64% of teen boys have been body-shamed.

The effects of body shaming and how to overcome it

Hearing negative comments about your appearance can impact your body image and leave you feeling anxious and self-conscious. However, there are ways to manage body shaming or other critical remarks and achieve body acceptance.

Supermodels and prima ballerinas have insecurities and imperfections, but we still perceive them as the ultimate representations of beauty. You may feel inadequate and unworthy if you don’t meet these standards.

And if you experience body shaming by others and take their negative comments to heart, it can lead to unhealthy behaviours and mental health problems, such as:

Eating Disorders: Having a negative body image is one of the main factors for developing disordered eating or an eating disorder, such as anorexia, bulimia, or binge eating.

You may start a diet that involves restrictive eating to change your body shape or size. However, such dieting can spiral into harmful behaviours like skipping meals, fasting, vomiting after eating, excessive exercising, or overusing laxatives. Over time, you deprive your body and brain of essential nutrients necessary for optimal health.

Body shaming comments such as “Did you lose weight? You look so much better” can be triggering and create more disordered eating habits in an attempt to maintain or lose even more weight.

Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD): Experiencing body shaming can interfere with your self-image and make you feel highly self-conscious. This can escalate into body dysmorphic disorder, where you become obsessed with a perceived appearance flaw that can create repeated avoidance behaviours.

Daily life can become consumed with concerns about a minor flaw or one not apparent to others. You may constantly look at yourself in the mirror or avoid mirrors altogether, conceal body parts you don’t like, pick at your skin, or frequently ask others if you look okay.

Being constantly ashamed of your body can also impair your performance at school and interfere with your relationships with peers, teachers, and family members. Fears about being judged by others may cause you to limit or avoid social activities.

Anxiety and depression: Body shaming can trigger or worsen existing symptoms of anxiety and depression. If you are body-shamed in public or on social media, you may try to avoid going to school or other situations where this shaming might occur. You may withdraw from others and feel isolated and alone.

Hearing critical comments about your appearance can also be humiliating, heighten your insecurities, and damage your self-esteem. Consequently, you may engage in negative self-talk as you internalise these feelings of worthlessness. You may tell yourself things like “I am a bad person” or “I am completely worthless.” This can escalate into extreme loneliness, depression, anxiety, and poor body image.

Physical Health Issues: Fat shaming, in particular, is rampant in our society as obesity is associated with being lazy, unattractive, and lacking the willpower to lose weight. In one study, over 70% of adolescents reported being bullied about their weight in the past few years. This can be harmful to your physical as well as psychological health.

Rather than being a motivating factor for losing weight, fat shaming has the opposite effect. The stress has been linked to a reduction in physical activity and the consumption of more calories.

Don’t body shame others

Research shows that when you promote body positivity to others, you also feel more positively about your body. Surround yourself with people who are courteous and treat others with respect. Avoid bullies who engage in body shaming and talk about the flaws of others.

Establish boundaries with your friends and clarify that you will not tolerate comments about your body or weight. You can also set an example by standing up for others who are the targets of body shaming.

So, let’s work together to stop body shaming and talk about more interesting things. The truth is, we all body shame one another. We are sometimes the villains and sometimes the victims. And the society has made it very normal. If we genuinely believe that every one of us is created by our Lord, none of us chooses how we look in most cases, and none of us knows how we will look tomorrow (life happens… story for another day), then we should stop body shaming. It starts with you and I. 

Were you ever body-shamed? Please share with us how you felt, how it affected you, and what you did to overcome it.

Aisha Musa Auyo is a Doctorate researcher in Educational Psychology. A wife, a mother, a homemaker, caterer, parenting, and relationship coach. She can be reached via aishamuauyo@live.co.uk.

By Aisha Musa Auyo

As a wife, your confidence can wither away if you continue to live your life only through the eyes of what your husband thinks of you. Yes, you have read that correctly.

Naturally, you want his approval, attention, praise, and appreciation for all that you do. From taking care of the home front to always being on top of the kid’s school projects and progress to making delicious dishes, entertaining guests, and remembering the family schedule of events, the list is endless!

But he is another human being preoccupied with his thoughts, goals, and ideas and isn’t always tuned in to what you are doing.

While I believe it’s important for a husband and wife to consistently express their appreciation, love, or admiration for each other, the REALITY is that life happens. When it does, those things don’t always come as regularly as you would all like.

As much as it is natural for women to need and want genuine compliments that uplift and celebrate their unique qualities, men are naturally reserved when it comes to expressing their thoughts and feelings. So, please don’t hurt yourself waiting for his verbal validation.

Here are a few things you should do:

Surround yourself with purpose and meaning: When you surround yourself with purpose, you prioritise the things that truly matter to you. Filling your physical space with meaning can create a sense of harmony and inspire your daily interactions. Consider incorporating books, phrases, artwork, or websites that hold significance to you. They can serve as constant reminders of your values and goals, grounding you and igniting your passion to pursue a meaningful life.

Moreover, seeking activities and endeavours that resonate with your purpose can bring immense fulfilment. Whether it’s volunteering for a cause close to your heart, pursuing a career that aligns with your passions, or dedicating time to personal growth and self-reflection, these intentional choices infuse your life with purposeful actions and contribute to your overall sense of fulfilment.

Remember, surrounding yourself with purpose and meaning is not a one-time endeavour but an ongoing process of introspection, evaluation, and intentional decision-making. It entails regularly reviewing and adjusting your surroundings to ensure they continue to inspire and support your journey.

So, take the initiative to curate a life that reflects your values, passions, and aspirations. Embrace the power of purposeful surroundings, and let them guide you towards a more fulfilling and meaningful existence.

Spend time with people who understand you and are motivated by your ideas and vision, and vice versa. Make a conscious effort to be surrounded by people who inspire you, support your growth, and share your vision. These relationships become the foundation for collaboration, encouragement, and personal development.

Give in “whatever” capacity you can to your dreams and aspirations that go beyond the walls of your home. The capacity will vary from family stage (beginners with small kids to middle-aged families with grown kids) to family educational background, religion, and financial stability.

Fingers are not equal, so be true to your situation while still not compromising your dreams and aspirations.

Make du’a and speak to Allah often the ideas in your heart. Praying and talking to Allah regularly is very important for deep Spiritual Connection, which allows you to strengthen your faith and feel His presence in your life.

He will provide you with guidance, clarity, and wisdom when you’re faced with important decisions and or challenges.

When speaking to Allah, make it a point of expressing gratitude. Be grateful for His endless blessings, and seek forgiveness for your sins and mistakes.

Sharing your thoughts and feelings with Allah offers relief and support during difficult times. It encourages self-reflection and a sense of purpose in life.

Overall, praying and speaking to Allah helps you maintain a strong connection with your faith, find guidance, and nurture a sense of peace and well-being.

Develop a sense of contentment. Like anyone else, a wife should develop a sense of contentment as it promotes mental and emotional well-being. Contentment helps you find happiness and satisfaction, reduces stress and anxiety, and fosters a positive outlook.

It also leads to healthier relationships and a greater sense of fulfilment, allowing you to navigate life’s challenges with resilience and peace.

Dear wife, resist the idea that your husband “completes” you, and therefore, you are always in need of him completing you while you wait for him to take notice of the intricacies of your world.

You are whole.

Aisha Musa Auyo is a Doctorate researcher in Educational Psychology. A wife, a mother, a homemaker, caterer, parenting, and relationship coach. She can be reached via aishamuauyo@live.co.uk.

By Aisha M Auyo

Rider: “In the intricate tapestry of marriage, love is but one thread”.

Marriage is not just the union of people who are genuinely in love with each other. It requires a whole lot of other factors to keep it going. I can confidently tell you a marriage can exist without love if the other factors exist. Our grandparents and generations before them have done it, and the divorce rate was very low compared with ours. Their marital relationship is stronger than ours, which capitalises on love.

Theirs is a relationship built on patience, understanding, selflessness, respect, belief in qadr, devotion, and peace. Not on lust. Not on love. Not on desire. Not on physical look. Not on avarice. It is almost the total opposite of marriage nowadays.

A strong marriage is determined by the sacrifices and struggles a husband and wife go through and their ability to stay strong and be patient with each other. There is no marriage without problems, issues, or tests. Even in the noble house of our Rasool, SAW, they had issues. From small ones that involve petty actions fuelled by jealousy within the wives to bigger problems that involve an accusation of adultery levied against Aisha, RA, also known as the “event of Ifk“, which can be traced to Surah An-Nur.

Couples should try not to give up when undergoing tests, DIVINE TESTS such as poverty, infertility, illness, polygamy, etc. Please understand that I am not saying we should condone HUMAN MADE CHALLENGES such as bad character, SERIAL infidelity (there may be exceptional cases of being victims or moments of weakness which should not be more than once), abuse of any kind, (mental, verbal, physical, or emotional), etc. We should be able to explore the fine line between Allah’s tests and man-made issues.

Allah says in the Qur’an, “We will test you with something of fear, and hunger and loss of wealth, and souls and vegetation. And give glad tidings to those who have patience. Those who, if in any difficulty or trial, or tribulation occurs to them or happens to them, they say: ‘Verily we are from Allah and to Allah we return.’ They are those who will receive prayers from their Lord and Mercy, and it is those who are guided.” Al baqarah.

The missed nuances in Northern Nigerian marriage customs, emphasising materialism over the essential attributes of lasting matrimony, have contributed immensely to the high divorce rate in our community. Parents neglect the core aspects of marriage and pay more attention to the superficial and materialistic aspects. Instead of counselling their kids on how to live with each other, the groom side will be busy making plans on ‘Kayan life‘ and ‘gida na gani na fada’. The bride side will be busy buying expensive furniture and ‘gara’, ‘kada a raina mu‘. The couples will be busy organising ‘Instagrammable’ wedding events that will trend for a week.

At least, the bride’s family does not joke with kayan mata and little Nasiha on ‘Yi, nayi, bari na bari’, ‘A yi haquri’. But on the groom’s side, no one says anything to him regarding how to live his life with the bride.

Then, after all the events, reality sets in. Expectations not met. The pretence energy is exhausted. Before you know it, ‘hide my ID’, parents’ intervention and divorce will happen. In less than five years, the marriage will be dissolved, with two or three innocent kids involved.

Many people would look at the marriages and successes of others and wish they were them, not knowing how much they struggled to get there or the sacrifices they made to succeed in their marriages.

In sum, I have delved into the enduring factors that fortify matrimonial bonds beyond love, drawing wisdom from the timeless legacy of our forebears. The essence of patience, understanding, selflessness, respect, belief in destiny, devotion, and peace is the age-old recipe for marital success. How strong unions are forged through trials and sacrifices. I hope this will guide parents and couples in nurturing resilient marriages by shedding light on the struggles behind seemingly idyllic unions.

May Allah make it easy for all those going through hardships in their marriages and protect us from such calamities, amin.

Always remember that, with divine guidance and patience, weathering marital storms can lead to stronger, more enduring love.

Aisha Musa Auyo is a Doctorate researcher in Educational Psychology. A wife, a mother, a homemaker, caterer, parenting, and relationship coach. She can be reached via aishamuauyo@live.co.uk.

By Abdurrazak Mukhtar

In a world often rushed by in a whirlwind of emotions and responsibilities, we easily find ourselves swept away by the tide of anger. We’ve all been there, haven’t we? That moment when anger boils up inside us, threatening to overflow. It’s a natural human emotion, but what we choose to do with it truly defines us. In this article, we’ll explore the profound impact of our words when spoken in anger and why choosing kindness or silence can be transformative.

Anger, like a sudden storm, can engulf us in its intensity. It’s a primal emotion, a response to perceived threats or injustices. Our minds can become clouded in moments of anger, and our tongues sharp as swords. We lash out, often without thinking, in an attempt to relieve the emotional pressure building within us.

Yet, we may not realise in those heated moments that while our anger may pass, the words we’ve unleashed can leave lasting scars. Words, once spoken, cannot be unsaid. They have the power to wound deeply, and those wounds can take years to heal if they ever do.

Think back to when someone said something hurtful to you in anger. Perhaps it was a friend, a family member, or a colleague. The memory of those words may still sting, even years later. This is the undeniable impact of words spoken in anger.

So, what can we do when anger rears its head? Here, the age-old wisdom comes into play: “Never say mean words out of anger.” Instead, we can choose the path of kindness. Kind words, even in the face of anger, can diffuse tension and promote understanding.

Choosing kindness doesn’t mean suppressing your feelings or letting others walk over you. It means expressing your emotions in a way that is respectful and constructive. It means taking a step back, breathing deeply, and finding words to lead to resolution rather than conflict.

Sometimes, the kindest words are the ones left unspoken. When anger threatens to consume us, silence can be a powerful ally. In silence, we give ourselves the space to cool down and gain perspective. We prevent ourselves from saying things we might regret later.

Silence, when used wisely, can also send a powerful message. It can convey that we value the relationship and are willing to wait for the right moment to address the issue. It can create an opening for dialogue once emotions have settled.

In a world where anger is often the default response to frustration and conflict, choosing to use kind words or be silent is profound. It’s a choice that can shape our relationships, define our character, and leave a legacy of empathy and understanding.

So, the next time anger knocks at your door, remember the enduring impact of your words. Choose kindness whenever possible, and when words fail you, let the grace of silence be your guide. In doing so, you’ll tame the storm of anger within and foster a world where kindness prevails over cruelty.

Abdurrazak Mukhtar wrote via prof4true1@gmail.com.

By Aisha M. Auyo

In my last article, I wrote about how verbal appreciation affects marriage. In this episode, I will discuss how our words have the power to build or break our marriages. Words are not just for communication; they are for construction and destruction.

We are builders when we use our words wisely. With our words, we are creating a marriage that matters, a union that makes it through the good and bad, through thick and thin.

Here are a few things that you can build with your words in marriage

1. Intimacy

Intimacy is not just something physical. Share your heart with your spouse. Cultivating a marriage with meaningful communication will build deeper intimacy. 

Words move two hearts closer together and unite them as one. 

Dear wife, be patient with your husband – we all know men generally don’t talk as much… They are people of action.

Allah didn’t create marriage to be boring! Have fun for His sakes! From sending a naughty text during the day, a random phone call with words that will make your spouse want to finish whatever they are doing and come home to using words that will build anticipation.

Simple sentences like “I made your favourite dish” or “I’ll come home with your favourite smoothie” can do the trick. It is not the entity that matters. It’s about knowing that your Significant Other has thought about you and even tried to do what pleases you.

When you are together, set aside time for just the two of you to talk. Be intentional and selective with your words. Flirt with one another.

2. Build encouragement

Wives, one of the best things YOU can do for your relationship is to be an encourager. Encouragement can come naturally through sincere daily prayers. Through voicing delight in whatever is done or given to you, through words of gratitude. This will make him want to do more.

Men, women are highly receptive to words. Simple sentences could fuel her attitude for years. The phrase “Allah yai miki albarka” (We want this very badly), or “We can’t do without you”, is all she needs to hear to be her very best.

3. Build confidence

Life is hard, full of tough and sobering reminders that we live in a broken world. So, use your words to encourage and build hope in your spouse. 

Tell them you believe in them and trust their ability to excel. In a world full of competition, envy, and self-doubt, be the number one person who believes your spouse, uplift them, and make them trust themselves. From writing exams, presentations, business ideas, etc. Instil the seed of belief and confidence in them.

Men, please encourage your wife and boost her confidence in her looks and dreams. We need this like oxygen. With your support and trust, we can be the best version of ourselves.

Women, showing doubt in your man’s ability or dreams will kill his ego. His zeal to work hard, his zeal to excel. If there’s one thing that keeps men alive more than oxygen, it should be a massaged ego.

4. Heal

Words heal broken people, sick people, tired people, people who lost loved ones, even people in coma! I’m sure you’ve watched a movie where friends or families of a person in life support talk and say good things to them, and with time, the person in a coma comes back to life. This works not only in movies but also in real life. 

Soothing words for a broken person can help their physical and mental recovery immensely. Hearing someone say that they care about you, believe in your ability to heal, or that life will get better is often enough to improve someone’s mood in their lows.

Life-changing events, sickness, ailment, etc., can affect one spouse or the other. Be the person who brings harmony and healing to your spouse through words. Make it a point to say something positive to your significant other, even once a day.

However, let us always remember that our words can cripple, destroy and disrupt as much as they can build and construct. Verbal abuse is as powerful and destructive as physical abuse. It’s not every time we say what we feel. Most times (Not always woo), silence is better than some utterances. 

Avoid any word that will bring negativity, fear, or discouragement to your spouse. Never threaten or demean your spouse. If an issue needs to be resolved, choose your words wisely.

Know that words, once spoken out, can never be taken aback. The words ‘I’m sorry’, ‘I don’t mean it,’ and ‘it was a joke’ can never undo what you said. Some words create wounds that apology will never heal.

Aisha Musa Auyo is a Doctorate researcher in Educational Psychology, a wife, a mother of three, a homemaker, a caterer and a parenting/ relationship coach.

By Muhammad Ubale Kiru

In today’s digital age, it’s undeniable that sharing every aspect of our lives on social media statuses has become the norm. From announcing joyous occasions like the birth of a child to celebrating birthdays and achievements, we’ve come to believe that posting on our statuses is the ultimate expression of love and support.

But let’s take a step back and consider: Is our affection, loyalty, or friendship genuinely defined by what we post online? Do we measure the depth of our feelings by the number of reposts and likes?

For instance, when a dear friend welcomes a new bundle of joy, do we really need to rush to post it on our status to show our happiness? Should we assume jealousy or indifference if we don’t? Or when someone celebrates a birthday, must we repost it to prove our love?

The truth is that authentic connections thrive beyond the digital realm. True love, genuine friendships, and sincere empathy are expressed in actions, in the support provided when no one is watching, and in the real moments we share.

Let’s resist the notion that it’s not genuine if it’s not on our status. Authenticity is found in the personal gestures that come from the heart, not the public displays.

Next time you feel pressured to post every emotion or occasion, remember that your feelings are far more meaningful than what appears on your screen. Let’s focus on nurturing our connections beyond the virtual world.

Actions speak louder than status updates and true love and friendship are felt, not just seen.