Lifestyle

By Aisha Musa Auyo

Allah created marriage for lifelong pleasure and happiness. Therefore, beyond any other human relationship, marriage has the potential to make us happier. But there is a price to this happiness, which is CHARACTER. 

Marriage tests our character in every way. It tests our patience, work ethic, willingness to forgive, sensitivity to others, tolerance for those different from us, cooperation ability, endurance, and humility. Marriage is simply the biggest character test in life.

These tests integrate into our demeanour and give us a certain level of understanding, patience and maturity, and willingness to forgive. Moreover, it opens our eyes to the reality of life that unconditional love is exclusively for parents and children.

One needs to work more on his character, temperament, and personality to be able to live peacefully with others. Emotional intelligence plays a greater role in the relationship than anything else.

For most new couples, marriage was like a trip to the proverbial woodshed for the first several years. They were selfish, insensitive, angry and chauvinistic. After the first few years, many spouses were convinced that they had made a mistake in marrying their mate and that they were the cause of their misery.

But after lots of patience and endurance, when they look back at those times, they will realise that all the negatives that happened are crucial in forming their character. Many couples admit that they almost didn’t make it. They almost give up, but such circumstances forced them to decide to change and become more like Allah wants them to be… (patient, prayerful, selfless, understanding, and forgiving).

As a partner, know that your marriage will take a significant step forward every time you make a positive character change. Your spouse also will make positive character choices that will benefit your relationship, and you will have a great marriage, inshaAllah. It won’t be perfect, but you will be happier, contented, and at peace than ever before and will be glad to be committed to the lifelong journey.

Know that before marriage makes you happy, it will make you grow.

Aisha Musa Auyo is a Doctorate researcher in Educational Psychology. A mother of three, Aisha is a homemaker, caterer and parenting/relationship coach.

By Fatihu Ibrahim

Going through my newsfeed,  I came across a letter dated the 7th of May 2021. Onukwubiri Ifeanyi Kingsley allegedly renounced his position as the first son in the family, because (as he said in the letter) the position increased his problems, increased his liability, and was a thorn in his flesh. 

I wonder if he graciously relinquishes his position out of fear of responsibilities. If this is the case, he is wrong to flee from his duties. This life is nothing but a set of examinations, tribulations and challenges, running from the one you may likely encounter superior challenges along your way. So the best solution is to face your challenges and try your best to conquer them.

Historically, in a patriarchal society like ours, the firstborn child’s role has been socially significant, particularly for a firstborn son. As a result, there are sets of expected do’s and don’ts in the lives of firstborns.

As the firstborns, our parents expect us to be 101% good. We have to set the example for other siblings; we have to be brilliant, extra careful, perfect, intelligent, great administrators, toppers in any exam, good athletes and the list goes on. The level of expectation on us is very high, and the burden on our shoulders is quite heavy.

Being the eldest son was never our choice nor our intention, but nature has its way of imposing things on us, and here we are as the firstborns, a position we will hold for our entire life. 

Moreover, our darling parents never see us the same as our fellow siblings but rather as alpha children moulded into hardworking gentlemen responsible for steering various homes’ wheels. This blend of expectation and motives sometimes stressed us, resulting in anxiety, which overclouded our verdicts. We fall prey to superfluous fear of the future, which affects our existence, dwindling our efforts in conquering dilemmas.

My advice to all the firstborns is never to see this position as a burden but rather as a blessing. Do your very best in all facets of life, and always look to the Mighty Lord for guidance. If by any chance you feel like losing hope, remember the Quran 26:62 “إنَّ مَعِیَ رَبِّی سَیَھدِ ینِ” “Indeed my Lord is with me, and He is going to guide me”. So when the lord is in control, we have to trust Him and play our part by doing our very best. 

To all the firstborns, hold your head high up. You have been endowed with qualities such as strength, struggle and some considered leadership characteristics.

May God bless our hustle, amin. God bless Nigeria, amin.

Fatihu Ibrahim sent this article via fisabbankudi123@gmail.com.

By Aisha Musa Auyo

When I was in primary school, my grandmother visited us, and she was mesmerized by our nature-friendly environment. She said we were wasting resources by not utilizing the space with livestock. So she suggested animal rearing, that she would send a sheep first, and if all goes well, that sheep will give birth to many others, and in a few years, we will have a flock. She kept her words and sent a pregnant sheep. It was assigned to me since I’m the eldest.

The Fulani in me took over, and the bonding was natural for my sheep and me. I fed her morning and night. I brought her out and tied it with a rope in the afternoon for grazing. I then returned her to the barn in the evening. On a fateful Friday afternoon, I brought her out and tied her to a guava tree in our compound so that it would graze as usual.

I can’t recall what happened, but she cleverly freed herself. (That euphoria when a captive gains independence ). She walked, played, jumped and danced! Then, when she became aware of her absolute freedom, she began to run, somewhere far away from our house, and I followed her. The race continued, but I managed to hold the rope.

My sister went in to let my parents know of the happening. I was still holding the rope, but I fell while that ‘wicked’ sheep was still running. I was somersaulting and screaming but still managed to see my parents laughing like crazy outside. My world was spinning, and I had bruises all over my face.

Finally, when I couldn’t bear it anymore, I let go of the rope, thus the sheep, and as I managed to open my eyes, my parents were at the spot to pick me up, but still laughing at my stupidity. ‘Yar fari’ (first daughter), they all chorused! Firstborns are believed to be idiots!

They calmed me down, soothed my wounds and finally, they said, “This could be avoided. You should have simply let go of the rope and the sheep. She will come back”.

This is a life lesson I learned the hard way. I’m glad it happened in my early days of life, as within two days, the wounds healed, and all the bruises disappeared in a week. All thanks to the fruits and medication that I’ve been taking. But from that day, I learned to let go of anything I perceive as a threat to my life or my happiness with immediate effect.

My instincts always alert me of immediate danger, and I respond unhesitatingly. Sometimes even too early that people around me think I do not give people or situations the benefit of the doubt or that I make early conclusions. Still, better early than late. Letting go comes easy because I’ve learned before that holding on to what doesn’t want to stay leads to bruises, wounds and pain.

The recent trends in domestic abuse have made me think, how can we reduce this menace in the upcoming generations? How can we raise mentally sound and selfless generations that will not abuse and tolerate abuse? What are we doing in our power to sensitize our wards of this growing menace?

People, especially women, tend to hold on to their mental and physical abusers be they friends, husbands, relatives, house helps or any other person. They endure all kinds of pain and suffering while trying to hold on to what they think is theirs until they are finally bruised, injured, suicidal, or killed. That’s when they let go. No, this has to stop!

I’m not in the position to punish abusers, but the little I can do now is to enlighten you, the reader, to learn to let go of that which harms you or threaten your happiness and or well-being. Learn to follow your instincts, they are there for a reason, and most often than not, they don’t fail us.

May Allah protect us from abusers, amin. May we never abuse anything under our care, amin. May Allah give us the strength to leave that which will harm us. May we never get attached to what isn’t ours, amin. May the love and respect we give be appreciated and reciprocated, amin. May we see the light even in darkness, amin.

Aisha Musa Auyo is a Doctorate researcher in Educational Psychology. A mother of three, Home Maker, caterer, parenting and relationship coach. She can be reached via aishamuauyo@gmail.com.