Women

By Aisha Musa Auyo

When I was in primary school, my grandmother visited us, and she was mesmerized by our nature-friendly environment. She said we were wasting resources by not utilizing the space with livestock. So she suggested animal rearing, that she would send a sheep first, and if all goes well, that sheep will give birth to many others, and in a few years, we will have a flock. She kept her words and sent a pregnant sheep. It was assigned to me since I’m the eldest.

The Fulani in me took over, and the bonding was natural for my sheep and me. I fed her morning and night. I brought her out and tied it with a rope in the afternoon for grazing. I then returned her to the barn in the evening. On a fateful Friday afternoon, I brought her out and tied her to a guava tree in our compound so that it would graze as usual.

I can’t recall what happened, but she cleverly freed herself. (That euphoria when a captive gains independence ). She walked, played, jumped and danced! Then, when she became aware of her absolute freedom, she began to run, somewhere far away from our house, and I followed her. The race continued, but I managed to hold the rope.

My sister went in to let my parents know of the happening. I was still holding the rope, but I fell while that ‘wicked’ sheep was still running. I was somersaulting and screaming but still managed to see my parents laughing like crazy outside. My world was spinning, and I had bruises all over my face.

Finally, when I couldn’t bear it anymore, I let go of the rope, thus the sheep, and as I managed to open my eyes, my parents were at the spot to pick me up, but still laughing at my stupidity. ‘Yar fari’ (first daughter), they all chorused! Firstborns are believed to be idiots!

They calmed me down, soothed my wounds and finally, they said, “This could be avoided. You should have simply let go of the rope and the sheep. She will come back”.

This is a life lesson I learned the hard way. I’m glad it happened in my early days of life, as within two days, the wounds healed, and all the bruises disappeared in a week. All thanks to the fruits and medication that I’ve been taking. But from that day, I learned to let go of anything I perceive as a threat to my life or my happiness with immediate effect.

My instincts always alert me of immediate danger, and I respond unhesitatingly. Sometimes even too early that people around me think I do not give people or situations the benefit of the doubt or that I make early conclusions. Still, better early than late. Letting go comes easy because I’ve learned before that holding on to what doesn’t want to stay leads to bruises, wounds and pain.

The recent trends in domestic abuse have made me think, how can we reduce this menace in the upcoming generations? How can we raise mentally sound and selfless generations that will not abuse and tolerate abuse? What are we doing in our power to sensitize our wards of this growing menace?

People, especially women, tend to hold on to their mental and physical abusers be they friends, husbands, relatives, house helps or any other person. They endure all kinds of pain and suffering while trying to hold on to what they think is theirs until they are finally bruised, injured, suicidal, or killed. That’s when they let go. No, this has to stop!

I’m not in the position to punish abusers, but the little I can do now is to enlighten you, the reader, to learn to let go of that which harms you or threaten your happiness and or well-being. Learn to follow your instincts, they are there for a reason, and most often than not, they don’t fail us.

May Allah protect us from abusers, amin. May we never abuse anything under our care, amin. May Allah give us the strength to leave that which will harm us. May we never get attached to what isn’t ours, amin. May the love and respect we give be appreciated and reciprocated, amin. May we see the light even in darkness, amin.

Aisha Musa Auyo is a Doctorate researcher in Educational Psychology. A mother of three, Home Maker, caterer, parenting and relationship coach. She can be reached via aishamuauyo@gmail.com.

By Sabo Ibrahim Hassan

Did I just say Religious Domestic Violence? Of course, you heard me very right. It may though initially sound quite odd and obfuscated, but when you allow it to sink and give the brain some time to analyze the phrase critically, it will indeed become your today’s take-home. While countless homes unknowingly suffer from this type of domestic abuse, notably in religious geographies, the need to unveil and tackle this type of intimate partner violence becomes an inevitable obligation.

According to the United Nations (UN), Domestic Violence, also called “domestic abuse” or “intimate partner violence”, can be defined as a pattern of behaviour in any relationship used to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner. Abuse is physical, sexual, emotional, economic, or psychological actions or threats that influence another person. This includes behaviour that frightens, intimidates, terrorizes, manipulates, hurts, humiliates, blames, injures, or wounds someone. 

In line with the definition above, we can say that religious-domestic violence refers to the use of half-baked understanding or rather misconception of religious command, painted with sentiment, to inflict a sense of insecurity, and manipulate or frighten the psychology of partner, to ultimately have their total control.

The ill-conceived interpretation and manipulation of some scriptural verses is the primary cause of this religious-domestic violence. However, the issue remains controversial because many deem it the only way to sustain their power and maltreatment against their intimate partners. Besides, our inability to question any irrational interpretation of any scripture, simply because the compass of our thought has been disoriented, hence forced to think in lower rather than higher resolution, has chiefly contributed to the escalation of this menace. Meanwhile, we are not challenging the scripture rather the unfair interpretation of it. Additionally, the fear that you can be easily given your certificate to hell by some so-called custodians of religion has made this type of domestic violence seemingly undefeatable.

The effect of this pseudo-domestic violence is such apparent that it has stolen the joy and peace of many homes, leaving most women helpless with severe psychological trauma. Moreover, the effect is not restricted to the primary victim. It also affects the closest people to the victim, like children, affecting their psychology and perspective. Hence, the fear, insecurity, and misconception of the sacred meaning are passed through different generations, leaving potential victims banged up in fright and uncertainty.

Religious domestic violence often cuts across mental, economic, and psychological boundaries. For example, in a situation where one, due to his badly thought-out interpretation, renders one’s wife inferior, with no regard in decision making, it becomes psychological. Similarly, when one marries or bears children more than one’s capability, that certainly involves both the mental and economic nature of domestic violence. The superiority of men over women lies in their ability to protect them with all their might, provide for them, support them with all they have, and be a shoulder for them to lean on, anywhere, any time.

Rational and fair explanations of some sacred commands, notably those related to marriage, should be the priority of any society that wants to see the end of this menace. That reminds me of a viral video of a woman perceived to be a scholar, preaching to some Muslim women that, should their husbands slap them, they should be patient and respectful enough to, perhaps, kneel and ask for forgiveness while pretending like nothing though happened. I still can’t see any rationale behind her counsel, let alone relevance. Authorities should inexcusably halt such fake scholars. Fair counter-explanation and how to morally react under situations of such nature should be explicitly taught and encouraged.

Until a reasonable explanation of the scripture becomes paramount, and an irrational interpretation painted with sentiment is scrapped, many homes will continue to live in agony. Many men will continue to hide under the masquerade of religious interpretation to maltreat their partners. Therefore, creating a paradigm shift in geographies affected by this unfair perspective becomes necessary. Sensitization is vital, and the responsibility to do that is collective.

Know your religion and what it says, seek rational interpretation of the scriptures, and do not hesitate to question anything irrational.

Sabo Ibrahim Hassan sent this article via ibrahimsabohassan60@gmail.com.

By Aeesha Abdullahi Alhaji

I winced while taking the journals I studied back into their bookshelf. Next, I rubbed my back slightly due to sitting in one place for so many hours. Then, I remembered I had a funeral to attend later in the day. So, I called Annabelle, my housekeeper, to prepare a light lunch for me to eat while I freshen up for the day’s businesses.

My junior colleague at the office lost his wife while giving birth. As I arrived at the venue, there was a commotion because Mr Andre, the bereaved, refused to allow his deceased wife’s body to be lowered into the grave. He was crying profusely. Looking at his unshaven face and unkempt beard, I knew he must have gone through a lot these past few days.

My eyes burned with unshed eyes, making me remember a fleeting memory of the worse day I pray never happens to any mortal on the face of the earth. I quickly shrugged off the bitter moment and walked over to the crowd gathered around Mr Andre. He was being consoled, but all was futile. He was devasted at the loss of his dear wife. After the burial, Mr Andre refused to leave his wife final resting place.

After an hour of waiting for him at his house to pay my final condolence, his older brother walked in, worries written over him. He attempted to explain to sympathizers how Andre refused to leave the cemetery. I smiled bitterly and told his family members I would get him.

I went back to the funeral ground, met him staring at her final abode, tears running down his cheek. I sat quietly behind him, asking him why he couldn’t accept destiny and let go of what had been ordained by the Creator. After all, death is a plane all of us will board.

He turned to look at me with a grief-stricken face saying, “Prof. Akin, you won’t understand. My wife and I have been through a lot. She had been through thin and thick of life trials and tribulations with me, but when my hard work is paying off today, she is no longer here with me. So what’s the essence of all I have endured getting if my loving wife is not here to enjoy it with me?”

I chuckled, swallowing a bitter taste that erupted in my mouth. I looked into his eyes. “Andrew, whatever has happened to you today, worse of it has happened to others, and I am one of them.”

My statement startled him. Yes, I nodded, adding: “Do you remember how often you asked me about my family, and I often shunned the topic? Let me tell you something today; I am the last of my kin.” Andre looked more surprised in disbelief.

Thinking about it, I started recollecting the sad memory.

“Darling, please, I have a senate meeting at the university. So I won’t be able to come with you to pick up our kids and their families at the airport but please, help me explain to them. But I will try to go home early enough for the family reunion dinner. Bye, my love,” I told my wife.

I hung up the phone with a big relief. I was not happy I could not pick up our kids coming home after a year abroad. But what could I do as official duty at times comes first?

An hour later, I received a call from an unknown number to come to a fatal crash scene involving a motorcade of cars. I ran out of the meeting; only God knew how I got to the accident scene with my sanity intact.

I could not believe my eyes until I saw the dead bodies of my wife, my three kids, daughters-in-law, seven grandchildren all lying dead. My world turned upside down. Though many people lost their lives in that accident, my loss was colossal. I lost my entire family that fateful day.

I later heard the cause of the accident was that they were in the traffic when, unfortunately, an oil tank lost brake and collided with many cars, going up in flames and affecting the other vehicles.

So you see, Mr Andre, your loss is nothing compared to mine. That tragic incident left me shattered. I go home every day from work with no family to welcome me. I have no family left, No kin to continue my lineage. I can no longer have kids talkless of remarrying because I am old now. My bones are crumbling, but what keeps me going is the sheer pleasure and smiles on my students’ faces. I take solace in them, seeing them as my kids.

So, be grateful at least you still have kids your late wife left behind. You better man up and start being a mother and a father to them. Please, don’t mourn for a lifetime because you have kids waiting for you to fill the vacuum of a mother and a father to them. Death is a whirlwind of fate that comes unannounced into our lives, but anyway, we are leaving the seasonal shade of life someday.

Mr Andre looked at me, dumbfounded. My life story numbed him. I patted his back and told him to go home. He stood up, smiling faintly grateful for my kind words and left. I stood watching the sunset in, a favourite pastime of my late wife.

Aeesha Abdullahi Alhaji is a student at the Ibrahim Badamasi Babangida University, Lapai, Niger State, Nigeria. She is also a member of the prestigious Hilltop Creative Art Foundation, Minna Literary Society, etc.

By Abdullahi Adamu

Rape is dishonourable, immoral and sinful to humans and must be outrightly condemned by all. Everyone has a woman in their life – mother, wife, sister, niece, or daughter. We should understand that rape is a crime to the existence of humans and must be kicked out of this nation now.

It is dishonourable because it takes away the victim’s pride that has been raped and her skin engraved in a deep wound that may take years to heal.

It is immoral because society frowns at it as it goes against the general acceptable way and conduct in any given community. It is also sinful because it goes against the dictates of the creator and amount to stealing from the other person, the victim.

We have heard the government of Nigeria speak against it but with no pragmatic line of action. Instead, we have seen the hand of the law taking a long but slow road to this issue.

One of the challenges of rape is the low level of prosecution despite the high number of media-reported cases. As a result, some victims agree to ‘settle the matter’ with the active connivance or encouragement of law enforcers. Although the Penal Code of Nigeria (Section 282), the Criminal Laws of Lagos State (Section 258), and Violence Against Persons Prohibition Act (Section 1) all present rape as a serious offence.

One unconfirmed report states that there have been only eighteen convictions in Nigeria! Most rape cases are never reported. Even some ladies find it difficult or impossible to tell their parents or guardian

Government should declare a national crisis on rape. Women and children safety must be paramount across Nigeria. The security agents should wake up and take a necessary measure on the issue of rape in the country and stop keeping mute like a  dog that cannot bark.

As a woman, you need to take it upon yourself to resist the societal attempt to objectify yourself. Your “womanness” is not by how good you conform to the stupid societal standard of you being an object. You’re a woman, and that alone validates your “womanness”

And as a man, you need to understand that the idea of being “a dog who respects no fair play in the game” only puts you on the same pedestal as animals. Your real trophy will come from the number of women you choose to treat strictly as “women” and not “objects” like society implores you to do. You’re a man, not a dog!

Rapists are criminals and should be prosecuted and convicted. Victims identities should be protected. Known rapists should be named and tagged. A special anti-rape police unit should be created in the Nigeria Police dominated by trained women.

Abdullahi Adamu can be reached via nasabooyoyo@gmail.com.