Marriage

By Khalilah Yahya Aliyu

Nothing like polygamy has been grossly abhorred and misunderstood in marriage, especially among women. It trends both ways, be it positive or negative, with the latter being blown out of proportion – leading to an intense phobia for women young and old.

Please note that we Muslims don’t practice polygamy. What we are allowed to practice is polygyny. The difference here is that in polygamy, both men and women are allowed to have multiple wives or husbands, respectively, while polygyny refers to a husband taking more than one wife, four to be precise. So, I will use polygamy for this article.

The piece will be dominated by my point of view, garnished with some spicy personal experiences. Writing this has been difficult because I felt as though I was laying bare a part of my soul. After going through numerous articles and books on polygyny, I realised that much attention is given to the perspective of the first wife or existing wives. Their fears and insecurities when confronted with polygyny and ways to overcome them were discussed in detail. Therefore, the added wife is left to nurse her worries and insecurities alone as it is being treated as non-existent.

During my secondary school days, we did ask ourselves questions regarding polygyny, and we all wanted to be the first wife. This position to our understanding back then, comes with these benefits:

Societal empathy towards the first wife, with the man and his new wives, considered wrongdoers, conspiring to destabilise the existing wife’s life.

You enjoy the man’s prime years and resources, which translates to more attention and care. You get a clearer understanding of the man’s personality as a husband, having spent more years with him and his close and extended family.

Being his first and as humans, we tend to get sentimentally attached to our first of everything, be it a child, car, job, etc.

Those are a few of the benefits. They could be more or less depending on the person and the current situation. All these made me crave that position, too, to the extent of being willing to welcome co-wives so that I could hold on to the bragging rights of knowing him first. Well, fate has an entirely different story lying in waiting for me.

I met this amazing man. I have always been an incurable romantic at heart, placing emphasis on those zings and sparks you feel when you meet someone you share a strong chemistry with. “This here is the man of my dream,” I exclaimed to myself. The feelings were mutual; I am sure you will be like, “why didn’t you get married right away” as it is the only legal way to have a relationship with non-Mahram. It wasn’t that easy because here I am, a not previously-married young lady from a monogamous home presenting a married man as a suitor to her family. The more the number of wives, the more difficult it is for our parents to accept the man as a spousal choice for their girls. In my case, it was even wives, not a wife, an unsurmountable wall, it seemed.

As parts of the tenets of our Deen, we must accept “qadr”, otherwise known as the divine decree, regardless of how it comes. I drew strength from this and presented him as my choice. During the waiting period before the wedding, I was riddled with nerves and bouts of insecurities. This shows that added wives, too, have fears. What if the other wives are better looking, cooks and humans than I am? No day passes without my heart racing faster when I think about what lies ahead. Your intentions might be noble, but you can’t say the same about the other parties with the recent ugly trend of co-wives harming one another. The what-ifs were actually numerous, including the ability of our husband to treat us fairly.

I channelled the energy generated by these fears into finding a better version of myself, seeking religious knowledge and reading more on human psychology to understand better the tricks of maintaining a healthy relationship between humans—anything on polygyny I devoured keenly to better prepare for what lies ahead. Marriage is a lifetime journey, and no preparation is termed too much. So when I felt ready, armed with prayers and all I have learnt, I plunged bravely into it and “Alhamdulillah”, it was not as difficult as I envisaged.

Though no amount of preparation is adequate when reality finally hits, coping mechanisms are needed to maintain a healthy relationship when jealousy glares its ugly head. A naturally occurring phenomenon, even our mothers, the wives of our noble prophet (S.A.W), were not spared. Feeling bouts of jealousy is normal, but borrowing a leaf from how our role models, Mothers of the Faithful, dealt with theirs will keep this strong emotion in check. How you handle this emotion can make or break you. I try to always look at a person as a human first, and no matter how jealous or angry I get, I will try my best to treat the person humanely. No one is worth your “Iman” I repeat, never lose your “Iman” over anything. Keep striving to maintain a better version of yourself. Study your co-wives because understanding their temperaments will make it easier for you to relate with them accordingly. It might not lead to friendship per se, but an amicable relationship is assured.

Plus, always remember that humans are dignified creatures, and every soul has its unique form of beauty. As a famous saying goes, “beauty is in the eyes of the beholder” sister, you are beautiful. Indulge in many positive affirmations, eat healthy, exercise, and maintain positive hygiene to boost your self-esteem should you ever feel your co-wives are better.

Contrary to popular belief of competition between co-wives, you are there to compete with no one; be yourself and try as much as you can to support and not bring them down. Remember, as your sisters in Islam, you owe them that. Banters will be thrown, especially that of knowing him before you did or you coming to marry their husband. He was never meant for them alone; it was decreed that he would marry you all in the manner or order he did. You have the same right as any of them, but this shouldn’t make you disrespectful. Support your spouse; it takes a lot of spunk and sacrifice to maintain a wife and talk more about wives.

Personally, polygyny has been a blessing. Ask pizza lovers; having a slice of it is better than not having a taste at all. I wouldn’t have been able to enjoy the good moments with the man of my dreams if it wasn’t legal for him to marry me too.

Regardless of being the first or last, we are all advised to make it work. Equip yourself with what it takes to build a peaceful haven or sanctuary for yourself, your husband, and everyone visiting your home. He is yours; make every moment count. It is not how much time is spent but how qualitative it is. To the added wife, know this, you are brave and unique, and you’ve got nothing to fear. Be yourself, and I wish you the best.

Khalilah Yahya Aliyu writes from Kaduna and can be reached via khalilah20@gmail.com.

By Umm Khalid

Playing singles means you are playing by yourself with no one else on your team. You face off against another individual opponent. I found playing singles easier because it was simple: I knew that every ball that comes over the net was my responsibility. No one else was there to share the responsibility with. Playing a singles game is straightforward. One on one.

But it is exhausting. Every ball is your responsibility. There’s no one to help you, no partner to get the balls you can’t reach, no one to back you up. You have to run back and forth to cover the length and width of your side of the court by yourself.

Playing doubles tennis, on the other hand, means you have a partner and the two of you are a team facing off against another team of two. You and your teammate work together to hit the ball back over the net, so each of you has fewer balls to hit, less court space to cover.

But I hated it because it’s very easy to lose when you play doubles. Very often, the ball comes sailing right between the two of you as both of you look, startled, at one another and neither person hits the ball.

The first person assumed that the second was going to get it, and the second person assumed that the first person was going to get it. Neither gets it, and the ball bounces off the court and you lose the point.

Continue playing like this, and you lose the game, the set, and the match. You walk off the court, defeated and disappointed.

Marriage is a little like playing doubles tennis. The only way to win is to have well-defined tasks and to communicate CLEARLY with your partner. The two of you must coordinate so that nothing falls through the cracks. Each person knows exactly what he or she is going to cover. You know you’re on the same team and that you’ve got each other’s back–but you still need to talk about who’s going to do what and what your expectations are and ask for help when you need it.

To have a good marriage, the husband and wife need to work together like a well-oiled machine.

It is, of course, challenging to work so closely with another person, to coordinate tasks, to divide labor evenly based on each person’s strengths.

This is why many modern women prefer to just play singles games, living the single life without the hassle of being on a team or dealing with another person.

But living that single life is exhausting and lonely. Sure, you don’t have to work things out with anyone else and can do things all by yourself…but… you are all by yourself.

Marriage is a joint effort for the sake of Allah, a combined struggle of both the husband and the wife to build and maintain a strong Muslim family. The husband and the wife are a team: they each have clearly-defined assigned roles, but they also don’t hesitate to lovingly step in to help one another if it’s needed.

If you play it right, you can reap all the benefits of playing doubles tennis without the drawbacks.

Make sure that you:

1. Have a clear division of labor, so each person knows which side of the tennis court they’re responsible for. In marriage, we call this gender roles.
2. Communicate clearly, so no points are lost due to each person expecting the other to hit the ball. In marriage, the husband and wife have to communicate effectively with each other to decide which non-obvious tasks fall under whose domain so that all tasks are covered.
3. Ask for help if you need it, so that unlike in a singles game, your doubles partner can bail you out or back you up if you try to hit your ball but miss. In marriage, each spouse has a well-defined role, but one of the beauties of marriage is the ability to ask your spouse for help if you need help. Marriage is a soft, loving relationship between a man and a woman who have love and mercy for one another. You have someone who will willingly step in to carry your load on the days you find it to be too heavy, until you get back on your feet.
4. Be a team player, not selfish, self-centered, or negligent of your role. In our modern age, hyper-individualism has made many people selfish and narcissistic, putting themselves and their own individual whims above the needs of the group or their role in the collective. When you play selfish, whether in tennis or in marriage, you lose.

May Allah bless our marriages, our homes, and our families, ameen.

By Lawan Bukar Maigana 

To say that I was bemused reading a story of a young lady whose parents influenced her to reject a guy she truly loved because of “Lefe” (trousseau) would be a gross understatement.

Unsatisfied with what her soon-to-be husband had offered, the lady asked him to change the lefe items with expensive ones or abandon the thought of marrying her. He asked why and she explained that the things he brought were not up to her taste because she was about to graduate and deserved better. Nevertheless, she insisted that he had to come and pick up his boxes. Respectfully, his friend went to her house and picked them up. 

After the above encounter, he stopped calling her. She became worried and asked him why did he stop calling her. He told her there was no point in calling someone who didn’t love him, and that was the end of their conversation. After that, he sold all the boxes, started a business, and happily got married after three years. 

This story happened 13 years ago. The lady is now a graduate and still unmarried. Unfortunately, she came out to share her experience with the public because the same aunties that influenced her to reject the man because of his inability to fill the boxes with pricy things are the same people asking to be the fourth wife to an elderly man who perhaps she doesn’t like. 

She is 32 and regrets her decision to side with her mother and aunties. She desperately wants to know his whereabouts and apologize to him. I think there are a lot of lessons in her story. Her last words: “Ladies, not all that glitters is gold. Lefe isn’t important; dowry isn’t important…”

Even though Islam is not in conflict with our native culture, parents must make it easy for their children to get married to avoid them becoming promiscuous. But, more importantly, now is the time to abolish the culture of offering lefe, as a necessity for our Muslim youths, especially the ones in the North, to become couples. It is one JIHAD that must be fought.

Lawan Bukar Maigana writes from Maiduguri, Borno State, and can be reached via lawanbukarmaigana@gmail.com.

By Ahmad Deedat Zakari

Veteran comedian and rapper, Bright Okpocha, better known with his stage name, Basketmouth, has announced the end of his marriage to wife, Elsie Okpocha.

Basketmouth announced the end of his 12-year-old marriage on his verified social media handles on Thursday.

He said: “As much as it pains me to bring my personal life to the public space, this is an unavoidable situation.

“After much deliberations, my wife and I have made the difficult decision to end our marriage.

“As we move forward separately, we will continue to work together to give our beautiful children all the care, love, guidance and support they need.

We humbly ask that you respect our privacy as we navigate through these times. Thank you.”

Rumours of upheavals in Basketmouth marriage had spread rapidly in November when he failed to publicly celebrate the marriage anniversary, which usually comes up every November.

By Uzair Adam Imam

The Kano State Hisbah Board Monday said it apprehended 19 youths for same-sex marriage in the state.

The Commander General, Sheikh Harun Muhammad Sani Ibn Sina, confirmed the development to journalists.

Ibn Sina said the youths gathered to witness the wedding of two suspected homosexuals, Abba and Mujahid, at one event centre in the city.

However, he said their personnel arrived at the scene before the commencement of the wedding rites and 15 females, and four males were arrested during the operation.

He added that some of the ladies arrested said they were invited to the wedding from the neighbouring states.

He noted that the duo, tagged as bride and groom, Abba and Mujahid, escaped immediately after the arrival of the Hisbah personnel at the wedding venue.

A 21-year-old lady, Salma Usman, who is now in Hisbah custody, was said to be the event organiser.

Meanwhile, while reiterating that the Hisbah will intensify efforts to ensure the arrest of Abba and Mujahid, Ibn Sina said they would hand over those in their custody to the police for further action.

Some of those arrested who spoke to Radio Nigeria, Salma Usman, Sadiya, Aisha Adam, Maryam Ibrahim and Bilkisu Lukman, claimed to have been invited to a birthday party.

The ladies pleaded for leniency and promised not to engage in such acts.

By Habibu Maaruf Abdu

The Executive Director, Kano State Censorship Board, Alhaji Isma’ila Na’abba Afakallah, has tied the knot with veteran Kannywood actress, Rukayya Umar Santa (Dawayya).

The wedding fatiha took place on Friday, November 4, 2022, at Tishama Jumu’at mosque in Kano, after months of speculations about their relationship on social media.

The 37-year-old actress, who is also the founder of Dawayya Movies Nigeria Limited, appeared in hundreds of films in a career which spanned 22 years. Her last production, Ummi Sambo was released in Cinemas on 6 December, 2019.

This is her second marriage as she was previously married and has a son.

By Alkasim Harisu Alkasim

Women now scout affluent people to marry. When married, they want to be idling their hours in luxury mise en scenes where life seems perfect. Alas! Life is not a *Kublai Khan’s Xanadu* . To them, enjoyment consists with virtue and success in life. They go to the whereabouts of people ladened with money. Some of them narrate to each other about stinking rich people the way a spy reports the whereabouts of criminals to the police. To such women, marriage has to be a paradise, not a hell. Yes, life should be handsome. That is why if what they expect doesn’t occur in the matrimonial houses, they begin a disturbance. They destroy the peace reigning in their homes until everything goes south. When you live down the expectations of such worldy-wise and financially-charged ladies, you risk wounding their feelings and bruising their ego. The only language they understand is money. They suck and squander money the way a guzzling car sips and swallows oil. When you offend them, you will know how spendthrift they are with their tongues. Their tongues are razor-sharp. Because they will call you names. Such girls do not know the current economics nor do they know the economics of building the architecture of a modern family. Getting spoused to them, means you stand the chance of ruining your life beyond correction. They exceed limit when engaging one in a verbal combat.

A little mention of bucks silences them and arrests their attention. They only feel relieved when discussions are made from dollar-and-cents’ perspectives. They don’t mind when you become financially threadbare. In such a situation, they can still rob you of the last dollar you are down to. To them, you don’t rank high and the poverty that bites you buys you a disadvantage with them. Their prostitute principles demonstrate their demonic intentions. When they cut marital ties with you, they keep to themselves and may begin prostituting for a living. Therefore, I advise you against marrying above your station.

After years of bachelordom, a person weds. As a novice, he, in the first place, fails to know the marriage industry inside out. Things unfold slowly and sometimes, he starts to gain the knowledge of things back to front. If not gifted with a virtuous wife, his life turns out to exemplify the idiom; getting out of the frying pan into the fire. That is why you have to learn to endure greater difficulties throughout your married life. These women manipulate you. They tell you what you should do. They manouver everything the way the politicians massage election data to gain a majority.

The above women exemplify women of violent fate, women of no excellent majesty who keep milking you of your funds. It is high time our societies began policing acts of irresponsibility and gross misconduct lest we fall apart as a people. Such women should not go scot-free. Look at how our communities are fast getting peopled by the ill-fated. People who don’t know what they were created for. I know a person who doesn’t people well. He is such a loner, yet, hardly will you hear people abusing him. He opens his heart and palm to all. Such women don’t want to bear you children the moment they understand wedding you is a difficulty. They now make sure the marriage proves childless. Nice! This will relieve you of the burden of feeling entitled to her or submitting to be handcuffed to her responsibilities as a spouse.

I don’t think if we can quickly get back to normality. I have my doubts to voice for saying so. First, things are not what they used to be. Secondly, we do not want to accept faults. There are people that fail to even acknowledge their doubts regarding the correctness or otherwise of many things. They see everything that benefits them as good even if it is morally unsound and vice versa. Frankly, everybody knows that our societies are not in excellent health. This is my opinion and how I see things but I am not selling you the idea of seeing things from my own perspective. Bluntly, you have to learn your worth. Don’t sell yourself short or stoop low to get yourself conquered by anybody, because you are far better than many people around you.

In the same vein, the moment a woman seems to have found her voice, she will become a vixen. She will never allow you to lord it over her. And if you allow her bad manners to recur time and again, she will start to see herself as a more suitable option to be the leader in your own home. She will compel you to do her wants even if it means getting you credit-drowned. And as debt overwhelms you, she will run away leaving you debt-ridden, grief-saddled and regret-laden. She has now succeeded at queening it over you.

Marrying such women forces you to feel as if you were not the one husbanding them. While wiving them, you get psychologically womaned. Your home will be womaned too because you have married a lady who can be described as a woman among women, a woman of the world or even a woman of the streets. You will have to pocket all the womansplaining of this world. If you try to womanhandle her, you will fail. But she instead, can easily manhandle you. Even getting her womannapped cannot compensate for your spendings on her and the undertreatment you suffer from her.

In conclusion, the marriage industry is quickly womaning itself from the perspectives of responsibility. Women are overtaking the mantle of leadership in homes. It also produces women that are captivatingly prowessed at deception and beautifully arresting. This is an industry that compels the male newlywedded to be under the gun. If the male spouse does his best to reform corrupt practices, his efforts always flop. Thus, their marrying you is not a true indication of their hearts but the epitome of their getting starved of money. Some information should not be exposed here. In short, this is what marks a low point in my love life. As it happens to be one of the bitterest experiences I have ever come across, I have begun to have a low opinion of women. Excuse my saying so.

By Alkasim Harisu Alkasim

It is beyond exaggeration to say that marriage for money is a norm today. Repeating this amounts to a cliché. A great score of us want to marry money, and we hate to bring to mind poverty, never mind the difficulties accompanying it. That is why, today, many a family frown upon poverty-ridden dudes. Such families try to avoid poverty by marrying into monied families. They hold that, given the fact their homes are poor, they should, as a matter of fact, change their fates. Hence, by marrying rich men, they will be able to compensate for the difficulties biting them.

Unknowingly, there are difficulties that rehappen to destroy newly-built families. The first thing that throws a spanner in marriages is the recognition of the male spouse that his wife weds him thanks to his wealth. She also attracts for herself the despise of her in-laws who accord her and her family no respect. They disgrace and see them as a bunch of people that worship money. Also, the groom, who earnestly believes that the woman marries him because of his riches, ponders the fact that whenever he becomes poor, she will turn her back on him.

There are decisions we oftentimes take that we tend to regret after the passing of time. Because of our thirst for money, we take to cheapening and even slaving ourselves to attain the consideration of the haves. After throwing ourselves to the dogs, we then begin to think of a way to regain our good names. But the game is already over. This is a true definition of turning back the clock. Alas! Time never comes back once it is gone. What I imply here is that girls do themselves a disservice when they choose to be in love with undeserving fellows. What should you do when this happens, that is, when a girl sees nothing in you? I personally advise that whenever a girl hates building up a relationship with you, you should call it quits. Otherwise, you will be carrying a torch for somebody and nothing will expiate for you the time, energy and money you have expended.

Another thing that ruins relationships is poor moral standing. It is true that girls that idolise money quickly grow immoral. And boys with money seduce such girls for a quickie one-night stand. Yes, their sole desire is to hit it and quit it. Achieving this, they vanish into the thin air. As the girl conceives and becomes heavy with pregnancy, the world concentrates attention on her. Bad words from the public begin to weigh on her mind as well as her negligent family’s. People will antagonize her to the point of tears. Then, she will begin to regret her mistakes. Sadly, she has already got deflowered. And no amount of crying can return her virginity. The boy is gone. She and her family will try to get back at the missing boy, but they will just be carrying coals to Newcastle. At that very moment, the family starts to an afterthought. They will ruminate on ways to punish the boy or force him to marry the girl.

The problem of marrying money is mother to many immoralities that are currently occurring. It causes infidelity which is becoming the father of our ailing society and falling apart as a people. I was told about a wife that cheated on her husband. Albeit she was husbanded well, she did what only the baseborn do. The spouse catered for all her needs but she was notoriously infidel enough to practice adultery as though she did not subscribe to Islam. Whenever he left for market, this adulterous wife would take her children to her mother-in-law’s. She would then call her paramour. A faithful neighbour has often seen this thus he got devastated. Given the gravity of the issue, he was compelled to shut it. For he didn’t know how to let the husband know. Later, as the misdeed persisted, he locked the house on the two wrongdoers. He quickly called the husband who was already at market. The husband rushed it home and saw the nightmare of his lifetime. No sooner had he witnessed what his neighbour had been feeling indifferent to let him learn than he divorced her. Parting the way of unfaithful wives is the best decision no matter how one loves them. Because, if you don’t summon the courage to divorce them, they can mother you bastard children and pretend you are the one that fathers them. Was this woman fathered well? This is a question many people pose.

Another story is of a smart guy who triples as a husband, teacher and relative. He doctors for a living. Despite his running busy all time, he keeps house while his wife idles her hours away at the same home. She does not know how to even cook or do the house chores. It connotes a tragedy when you marry a woman that does not know how to prepare water that drinks well or food that eats well. This is one of the humiliating errors a wife can ever commit in her home. More telling is that the husband had excellently patched up many problems that came up. But, one horrible argument persisted. He tried his best possible to patch up things with his wife but she refused to forget the differences thanks to her stubbornness. He pressured her into buying the idea, but he could not make her let bygones be bygones.

To control how his children marry, I was told about a father who sons ten children. He also selects wives for his children. He is very responsible and commands obedience. The norm in this family is that the father wives all his children. He also schools his sons in respecting one another. That is why, they brother themselves extremely well. They reek charm and none of their actions sisters on disrespect, despise or fakery.

When you get broken-hearted, it feels as if your whole body was giving you pains. You will be long in healing before you bounce back to excellent health. You will be suffering terrible romantic ill-health too. You will keep wondering if you would ever be able to battle the condition. To you, such a situation is a small armageddon because nothing can purge you of harrowing thoughts. Living in solitude cannot not expiate the shock you will be going through nor will it cleanse the psychological trauma you are going through. Of course, mourning the loss of one’s one-time better-half is extremely painful.

Indeed, many of us do not see the value of those we marry ourselves with either in social, friendship, work or marriage commerce until they are no more or when the relationship goes south. We mourn and weep profusely for our relatives only when they close their eyes for the last time. When alive, we don’t see the world of them. Some people take betrayal lightly. But I would rather die a thousand deaths than betray a person who reposes trust and confidence in me.

When a love relationship dies a death, responsible people, more especially those that are not the guilty party look like death warmed over. A times, the social intercourse that reigns among diverse social networks sours thanks to betrayal. As this happens, everybody swears distancing his fellow for an unimaginable period of time. People get wedded to a devilish thought. This dilemma abounds with the absence of peace and bad blood. I said earlier that we affix importance to material gains by devaluing virtue and celebrating infamy. All this plays out in marriage transactions.

I have a friend since secondary school who was schooled at BUK. He learnt medicine. Of late, he broke up with his long-time girlfriend who also doubles as his female cousin. His home neighbours the girl’s. At the morning of the misunderstanding, he sought the intermediation of his close friend. The friend tried to correct the situation, but he failed. The relationship, to sum it, has latterly met its waterloo. Another person, a close buddy of the boyf tried to talk her out of her intentions. Still, she turned a deaf ear. He too, failed to appease the tumult abounding in the relationship. Toward the end of the relationship, that was when turbulence overwhelmed everything, the girl grew the habit of talking back her boyfriend. Not only that, she most a times talked him down. Worst of all, she made him appear as if he were talking to the hand. “Am I talking to myself?” This is a question he oftentimes asked himself. She avoided his sight only to strike him dumb. Dharma has been crushed. We never feel duty-bound to things our parents did feel. But karma will have its toil on people that betray the confidence of those that trust them.

In situations such as this, if you try your best possible to mend a long-standing feud through intervention and things refuse to put to rights, what you should do is to take a backseat. Just put everything to bed and move on. It was amazing that when the relationship was booming, it put in the shade every other love commerce. But as the relationship spoilt, things failed to repair. The girl also helped in putting a spoke in the boyfriend’s wheel. Because she made all his attempts to get them back to talking terms impossible. Her father did his best to put a gun on her head, but she summoned courage and put a brave face on.

Recently, I have been neighbouring this guy. We break bread and move around. He discusses the girl a lot with me. What I gathered from the girl’s moves can be said to neighbour on deception and a total change of mind. She is not in two minds about the relationship. Because she has already taken her own verdict. Thus, I tell him to be a man since the girl considers mending relationship with him a non-issue. Everybody that receives the news of the break up pities the girl. People say she is a hundred years too early to change mind on such a highly educated, literatured and smart person everybody wishes loved his sister or daughter. That guy is the be-all and end-all when it comes to moral standing and knowledge. When he was at a tender age, grown-up females had wished he were marriageable to tie the knot with him. By turning her back to him and switching attention to another boyf, this girl is just riding for a fall. I am no stranger to break ups, but this one makes a novel exception. In truth, the girl will at the end become her own worst enemy.

More so, to me, what appears to be more worrying is that her mother chose to shut her mouth. She took the side of the girl because she often said she had never told her daughter to unlove the guy. But she is blamable because she did not try soft-soaping her daughter. This is what caused the girl to be her own man. The problem is no longer what I considered it to be. From beginning, I thought the problem would be as soft as a baby’s bottom. But it turned out to be as hard as a rock. Many a time and oft, many a boyfriend goes to a girl’s. But you can count on your fingers those of them that mean marriage. Girls such as this, don’t listen to admonishing. The best thing is to allow life to school them. “Experience is the best teacher”, says Socrates. It is true that every occurrence has a first. However, this is not the first time she had milked quarrels to muddy the waters. She capitalized on the singular wish of her boyf to throw the gauntlet to make him come the offender with her.

By Aisha Musa Auyo

There’s this widespread belief that going into marriage makes one complete. It’s one area that most couples have gotten wrong. We can probably blame our movies and fairytales for most of it. But, perhaps, it’s a mere misappropriation of the word ‘complete’ in relation to marriage.

It makes a great storyline that someone can come into your life and complete you. The problem is that you are already a complete person, created by Allaah with or without someone else in your life.

If you have perceived lacks and weaknesses, you need to seek Allaah, your Creator alone, to help you fill those spaces, not another person. As long as you feel you must have another human to complete you, you are a danger to them and yourself.

No one within themselves can fill you with everything you need. You will drain your spouse with unrealistic expectations, and when you finally discover that they cannot provide all that you need, you will become dissatisfied and frustrated. You will begin to think that you may have made a mistake picking your spouse, which could tear you two apart.

Now, suppose you begin to put your spouse in proper perspective, realizing that Allaah allowed you two to come together and complement one another with each other’s unique characteristics and strengths. In that case, you can then learn to appreciate your spouse without draining them.

Learning how to lighten the relationship with each other’s talents and abilities enhances and improves your lives together. This is not always the most straightforward key to understand and embrace, but as you figure it out, it will allow much of the tension in your home to drain away.

Aisha Musa Auyo is a Doctorate researcher in Educational Psychology, a mother of three, a Home Maker, caterer and parenting/ relationship coach.

By Aisha M Auyo

You are married to me, not the kids.”

“I was here before the kids.”

“I come first and not the kids.”

“Your primary duty is to me and not the kids.”

How often do wives/mothers hear the above statements? Very often, of course. And to many, it’s a shame that husbands or fathers compete with their kids to get the attention of the woman of the house? Is it really?

Well, one may say, “aren’t you lucky to have your husband and kids fight over you?” But no, that is far from being lucky. The woman in this context is thrown into a state of dilemma, confusion and psychological trauma.

Husbands should be able to save their wives from this heartache and trauma by being more considerate and appreciative of the wives-cum-mothers’ indispensable roles in the family.

The moment a child is born into the world, a mother’s duties commence. In the first days of its existence, an infant is more feeble and helpless than any other living creature. They are unable to minister to their own needs. But to meet this weakness and incapacity on the part of the infant, God has implanted in the mother’s heart a yearning affection for her offspring. No one can understand so well or ever so ready to meet the needs of a child as a mother.

Nevertheless, having said all these, let’s pause and ask ourselves, “is it appropriate for a mother to make her kids her first care in a bid to fulfilling her duties?’ No. Her whole time should not be spent attending to the kids’ needs at the expense of her husband’s. However, it is necessary that reasonable time should be spent so that the kids could have the comfort and happiness they deserve.

It is, therefore, imperative to stress that husbands SHOULD NOT be neglected; neither should they be substituted for their kids.

One of the purposes of marriage is companionship and a man is expected to find this in his wife. As the wife becomes overly involved with and attached to her kids, she falls short of fulfilling this purpose towards her husband.

When this happens, the man feels lonely and loses his best friend, who is supposed to be his wife. He then becomes vulnerable to outside temptations. Will you, therefore, blame a man for reacting to this?

When a woman places her kids above her husband, her action tells him that she loves the kids more than him. This should not be so. Instead, make your husband feel important and know how much you value him.

 Alternatively, instead of treating him as a second-class citizen in his own home, why not treat him as one of your children. After all, the legendary French fashion designer Gabrielle Bonheur Chanel (CoCo Chanel) rightly said, “As long as you know men are like children, you know everything!”

Wives/mothers, be wise. But I must admit, it’s easier said than done!

Aisha Musa Auyo is a Doctorate researcher in Educational Psychology, a mother of three, a Home Maker, caterer and parenting/ relationship coach.