Marriage

By Maimunna Katuka Aliyu

Understanding blood types and genotypes is crucial for emergencies, such as blood transfusions during accidents. However, knowing one’s genotype, particularly before marriage, is equally important to avoid having children with Sickle Cell Disease (SCD).

Blood genotypes determine an individual’s blood type, inherited from our parents and remain constant throughout our lives. The four main blood types are A, B, AB, and O, classified based on the presence of antigens in red blood cells. The Rh factor can also be present (Rh-positive) or absent (Rh-negative), further defining blood types.

Blood genotypes play significant roles in the following:
– Blood Transfusions: Ensuring compatibility between donor and recipient blood.
– Pregnancy: Preventing complications like haemolytic disease of the newborn.
– Organ Transplants: Matching donor and recipient blood types for successful transplants.
– Disease Susceptibility: Influencing susceptibility to diseases like sickle cell anaemia.

Sickle cell disease is a genetic disorder affecting haemoglobin production, leading to abnormal red blood cells. These cells become crescent-shaped and rigid, causing a range of health problems. The genotype responsible for SCD is known as HbSS or HbSβthal, resulting from a mutation in the HBB gene.

Individuals with sickle cell disease have two copies of the mutated gene (HbSS), while those with one normal gene and one mutated gene (HbAS) have the sickle cell trait but generally remain healthy. Understanding an individual’s genotype is crucial in determining their risk of developing SCD or passing it to their offspring.

The symptoms of sickle cell disease can vary in severity and include:
– Anemia
– Fatigue
– Shortness of breath
– Pale skin
– Yellowing of the skin and eyes (jaundice)
– Painful episodes (crises)
– Swelling of hands and feet
– Increased risk of infections

While there is no cure for sickle cell disease, several management options help alleviate symptoms and prevent complications:
– Pain Management: Medications like acetaminophen and ibuprofen.
– Blood Transfusions: Increasing healthy red blood cell levels.
– Hydroxyurea: Reducing the frequency of painful episodes and improving anaemia.

Aisha Mahmud, a sickle cell patient diagnosed at age three, shared her experiences. As she grew older, the frequency of her crises reduced, occurring only once every three months. She regularly visits Primus Hospital in Karu, Abuja, and FMC Azare for checkups. Aisha emphasises that emotional stress often triggers crises, highlighting the importance of therapy over medication. Remarkably, her genotype changed from SS to AC, bringing immense joy to her family.

The challenges faced by sickle cell patients are immense, impacting them physically, psychologically, emotionally, and financially. Crises can occur unpredictably, causing significant distress to patients and their families.

Researchers are continuously exploring new treatment options for sickle cell disease. Some of the latest developments include:

– Hydroxyurea: Reduces pain crises and acute chest syndrome, decreasing the need for blood transfusions.

– Voxelotor: Approved for people age four and older to reduce pain crises and improve anaemia.

– Crizanlizumab: Approved for people age 16 and older to reduce pain crises.

– L-glutamine: Approved for people age five and older to reduce pain crises.

– Bone Marrow Transplant: Can cure some individuals with SCD but requires careful consideration and a suitable donor.

– Gene Therapy: Genes are used to correct the mutations that cause sickle cell disease.

– CRISPR Technology: A gene-editing tool that corrects the mutation causing SCD.

In conclusion, sickle cell disease is a complex and debilitating genetic disorder affecting millions worldwide. While there is no cure, management options help alleviate symptoms and prevent complications. Ongoing research and new treatment options offer hope for improved treatment and potentially a cure in the future.

Maimunna Katuka Aliyu wrote via munat815@gmail.com.

By Aisha Musa Auyo 

September is globally declared Sickle Cell Awareness Month.  The month is dedicated to raising awareness about sickle cell disease (SCD) and the challenges faced by those living with this inherited blood disorder. It serves as an opportunity to educate the public, promote early diagnosis, and advocate for better treatment options and research. 

The month also highlights the importance of genetic screening, support for patients and families, and increased funding to improve the quality of life for individuals affected by SCD. Through community events, health campaigns, and social media, advocates aim to bring attention to the urgent need for action and support for those impacted by sickle cell disease.

Today, I want to discuss sickle cell disease from a social and psychological perspective rather than a medical one. While I’m not a medical doctor, I’ll focus on the impact this condition has on families and individuals beyond the clinical aspects.

Anyone who knows me as a relationship coach knows that I deeply love and believe in love. I advocate for it passionately. However, when it comes to marriage, love is just one of many essential foundations. I’ll be very realistic here—there’s much more needed to make a marriage thrive. We’re all witnesses to the struggles and the painful moments of crisis of sickle cell sufferers. We know how their parents strain to cope with the financial demands at times of crisis.

For AS-AS couples who choose to look beyond their genotype and marry for love, the romantic vision they once had is often overshadowed by constant worry, fear, and apprehension. The looming possibility of having a child with sickle cell disease adds significant stress. After having children, the anxiety only deepens, with parents constantly fearing an impending crisis or managing one. This often results in the other children not receiving the care and attention they need, as the focus shifts primarily to the sick child.

Sometimes, the mother has to forfeit most of her dreams and aspirations because she’s always in and out of the hospital. I don’t want to mention the fear, horror, and pain they endure whenever their kids are in the hospital. The hospital becomes the second home of sickle cell kids with their parents. 

These parents hardly have any social life outside their homes and hospitals. The mothers, who are naturally more emotional, tend to be most affected by this.

Now, let’s discuss the pain and agony of sickle cell children. As much as I hate to write about it, we have to do it.  The pain experienced by a sickle cell patient is not only severe but often unpredictable. It can occur when least expected. 

The crisis stems from the sickle-shaped red blood cells that block blood flow, reducing oxygen delivery to tissues and causing intense pain. The pain can affect various parts of the body, particularly the bones, joints, chest, and abdomen. It can be acute (lasting hours to days) or chronic (persistent over time). The episodes are triggered by stress, dehydration, cold, or infections. The ensuing pain can be debilitating, leading to hospitalisations and significantly affecting the patient’s quality of life.

As these children grow older, many develop feelings of resentment toward their parents. They feel that their parents prioritised their desires over the potential suffering of their children. Every painful episode and crisis can remind you of choices made without fully considering the long-term consequences. This resentment stems from a sense of betrayal as they bear the physical and emotional toll of a decision that was not theirs. Parents often face this blame, which adds another layer of pain to an already difficult journey.

Parents in this situation are bound to carry the heavy burden of guilt and regret. Some marriages don’t survive the strain, leading to divorce, while others remain intact but with the painful decision to stop having children. 

I’ve seen firsthand the difficult choices couples make, including terminating multiple pregnancies because the babies were predicted to have sickle cell disease. It begs the question—why start down this path in the first place, knowing the potential heartache? No one should have to make these choices, and it’s a reminder of the importance of understanding genetic risks before taking that step.

Dear aspiring couples, Love, while beautiful, is not enough to withstand the many challenges that marriage brings. If both of you carry the AS genotype, I urge you to reconsider your relationship. There are many potential partners out there, and though it may be difficult, stepping away now could save you unimaginable heartache later. Trust me, it’s not worth the pain.

To couples already married with the AS genotype, please think carefully before bringing more children into the world. Consider the immense suffering that comes with sickle cell disease—for both you and your child. Spare them the pain and constant crises. Your love can be expressed in ways that protect their future.

Dear parents of children with sickle cell, my heart goes out to you. As a fellow parent, I can only imagine the trauma, pain, regrets, and difficult choices you face. The physical, financial, and emotional toll can feel overwhelming at times. 

Please remember that this is beyond your control, and you are doing your best for your child. Stay strong and lean on each other for support. Don’t hesitate to seek help from family, and make time for yourselves to recharge. Remember, there’s a life outside the hospital and home—try to socialise and find moments of joy. 

Connect with other parents who understand your journey, learn the best ways to care for your child, and never stop seeking knowledge. Above all, pray for Allah’s guidance and strength. You are not alone, and you will get through this.

Dear sickle cell warrior, please know your parents are deeply feeling your pain. They live with a mix of empathy and guilt, wishing they could take away your suffering. While they can’t change the course of destiny, they are sacrificing so much to ensure you have the care and support you need. Their love for you runs incredibly deep, often even more so because of the battles you face. If they could go back and change things, they would do so in a heartbeat. Always remember that your health and happiness mean the world to them.

The spread of the sickle cell genotype can end in a few generations when we intentionally avoid reproducing that genotype. It is a must for all of us to know our genotype before engaging in any serious relationship with the opposite gender. A stitch in time saves nine.

In my next post on this topic, I will discuss prevailing medical solutions in the management and treatment of sickle celldisease.

Aisha Musa Auyo is a Doctorate researcher in Educational Psychology. A wife, a mother, a homemaker, caterer, parenting, and relationship coach. She can be reached via aishamuauyo@live.co.uk.

By Aisha Musa Auyo

Hormones influence or determine a considerable percentage of our behaviours and physical appearance. If we say our hormones are what makes us, we won’t be exaggerating. Yet, we hardly discuss it. Yet very few know about it; very few believe in its impact. From genetics to behavioural scientists to physiologists and psychologists, these specialists believe in the power of hormones, especially in women. I will try my best to write in the simplest language possible so that I will not suffocate you with medical jargon.

Hormones are chemicals that coordinate different bodily functions by carrying messages through the blood to the various organs, the skin, muscles, and other tissues. Hormones are the signals that tell your body what to do and when to do it. There is no gainsaying, therefore, that hormones are essential for life and health. So far, scientists have identified over 50 hormones in the human body.

 Hormones control many bodily processes, including metabolism, homeostasis (constant internal balance), such as blood pressure and blood sugar regulation, fluid (water) and electrolyte balance, body temperature, growth and development. Hormones also affect sexual function, reproduction, sleep-wake cycle, and mood.

With hormones, a little bit goes a long way. Because of this, minor changes in levels can cause significant changes to your body and lead to certain conditions that require medical attention. The levels and nature of hormones in the body correlate with our moods, sense of smell, body odour, taste buds, thinking faculty, energy, and looks. 

In this week’s outing, I will start with women, as they are the gender whose hormones have a greater influence and impact on their lives. If you have a woman in your life, regardless of your relationship with her, know that hormones are constantly influencing her. 

Growing up and transitioning into a woman is a roller-coaster of emotional and physical changes. There will be noticeable differences in her attitude, looks, behaviour, and even how she smells. There will be irritability, sadness, and heightened or lowered confidence.

Women have heightened hormonal influence during certain periods. When she grows from a girl to an adult, when she’s ovulating, and at different times when she is on her monthly period. There is a hormonal influence in pregnancy when she is breastfeeding and when she is using hormonal contraceptives. There is yet another hormonal issue at menopause, just as it is at adolescence. 

A few days to menstrual onset (ovulation periods), a woman experiences a libido boost, appetite changes, heightened sense of smell and mood changes…usually in a good mood. But, during the onset of their period, a woman will experience cramps, dizziness, bloating, acne breakout, feeling tired, and mood swings…sadness, anger and anxiety. It isjust a roller-coaster of feelings and emotions. 

When pregnant (this should be a topic of its own), a woman is most likely to experience, among other things, morning sickness, dizziness, nausea, and vomiting; strange food cravings; fatigue; heightened sense of smell; forgetfulness; lack of patience; and crying for no explicit reasons. Bro, be patient and empathic; it’s beyond her. 

Then there comes the postpartum and breastfeeding period, which is associated with crying, difficulty in making decisions, lack of sleep or oversleeping, tiredness, mood swings, etc. Not infrequently, a woman may fall into depression at this phase. 

Then, there are issues relating to the use of contraceptives. These range from headache, migraine, acne, weight loss or gain, hair loss, smooth skin, dryness, and mood swings. The signs are numerous, depending on the woman and the type of contraceptives used.

Then, there is the advent of menopause, which comes with palpitations, hot or cold flashes, difficulty sleeping, tiredness and irritability, dryness and a whole lot of other changes.

Have you ever noticed how a woman can be so lovely today and nasty the next day for no reason? Have you ever seen a woman cry just like that? Have you ever seen a woman with clear skin today and skin full of rashes or acne tomorrow? Have you ever noticed that a woman can be thin today and bloated the day after? Know that these amazing, dramatic transformations result from the interplay of hormones. You have to be tolerant, understanding, and kind.

As a husband, father, son, brother, or friend, you need to understand the complexities of hormones in women to a certain level. This will help you make informed decisions about certain behaviours. This might help explain some oddities in women’s behaviour you experience or notice. The knowledge will help you and be the person she needs during those trying periods.

Sometimes, all a woman needs is space, silence, patience, kind words, empathy, massages, or a shoulder to cry on (that is, if she’s your wife, yauwa!). Chocolates, a listening ear, a credit alert (LOL!), hot tea, a pain killer, or taking her on a walk may be the healing or soothing balm.

The above is just a summary of what women go through. I will expound on each stage in subsequent editions, each stage as a topic of itself, and see how we can navigate through each milestone of hormonal symphony and the complexities of women’s health and emotions. Insha Allah.

Dear reader, but do you know that men, too, have hormones and emotional issues which we overlook? From childhood to adolescence and adulthood, men also come under certain societal expectations and pressure to suppress their feelings. I will try to summarise that in my next article.

Aisha Musa Auyo is a Doctorate researcher in Educational Psychology, a wife, a mother of three, a homemaker, a chef, and a parenting/ relationship coach. She can be reached via aishamuauyo@live.co.uk.

By Abdurrazak Muktar Makarfi

A home that lacks peace is a prison. This statement resonates deeply with the human experience, highlighting the fundamental need for tranquillity and harmony within one’s living space. Ideally, the home is a sanctuary where individuals can retreat from the chaos of the outside world to find solace and comfort. When this essential peace is disrupted, the very essence of the home is transformed into a confining and oppressive space akin to a prison.

In a home bereft of peace, the walls that should offer protection and security become barriers, trapping the inhabitants in a cycle of stress and unease. The once-welcoming rooms turn into cells devoid of warmth and joy. Instead of being a refuge, every corner of the house becomes a reminder of the discord and strife that permeates the environment. This transformation is not merely symbolic; it has tangible effects on the well-being and mental health of those who dwell within.

Consider the psychological toll of living in such an environment. Constant exposure to conflict and tension can lead to chronic stress, anxiety, and even depression. Starved of peace, the mind becomes a battleground where thoughts of escape and a longing for freedom from turmoil dominate. This relentless pressure can erode relationships, fray tempers, and diminish the overall quality of life. In its truest sense, the home is lost, replaced by a space that suffocates rather than nurtures.

Moreover, the absence of peace disrupts the natural rhythm of daily life. Simple pleasures, like sharing a meal or enjoying a quiet evening, are overshadowed by underlying tensions. Conversations are strained, and the genuine connection between family members is fractured. The home fails to serve its purpose as a haven of intimacy and love and instead becomes a site of emotional incarceration.

In contrast, a home imbued with peace is a fortress of strength, providing its residents with the stability and support needed to face external challenges. It fosters a sense of belonging and security, where each individual feels valued and understood. In such an environment, love and respect flourish, creating a positive feedback loop that reinforces the home’s role as a sanctuary.

To transform a house that feels like a prison back into a peaceful home requires conscious effort and commitment from all inhabitants. Open communication, mutual respect, and a willingness to resolve conflicts amicably are essential. Cultivating a calm home is not merely about the absence of conflict but the presence of understanding, empathy, and shared purpose.

In conclusion, a home without peace is a prison, trapping its inhabitants in a relentless cycle of discord and discomfort. The importance of a peaceful home cannot be overstated; it is the bedrock of personal well-being and harmonious relationships. By prioritising peace and fostering a nurturing environment, a home can fulfil its role as a sanctuary, offering respite from the outside world and enriching the lives of those within.

Abdurrazak Muktar Makarfi wrote via prof4true@gmail.com.

By Aisha M Auyo

Love, it is popularly said, makes the world go round. This implies that the presence of love engenders harmony, peace, and tranquillity in relationships.

As the nucleus of the family, which in turn is the pivot of human society, it is very important that true or genuine love exists between the two people who live together as a couple, as in husband and wife.

Do you know the concept of love language? Do you know your love language? Do you know your partner’s love language?

Knowing about these will solve most of the issues that usually rock marriages and our relationships with others.

Love language is defined as a person’s characteristic means of showing affection or care for another. It can also be portrayed as how a person prefers to express love to—and receive it from—a partner. 

If you doubt your partner still loves you, know you are not alone. The fact is, you might be speaking a different love language from that of your partner. 

Relationship expert Dr. Gary Chapman created the concept of love languages in his book The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts. 

The book explains that to ensure a healthy relationship, it is essential to identify and use your partner’s love language. This will help eliminate miscommunication and allow for a more understanding, harmonious couple. The following are some points to know about love languages to help you on the road to a healthier relationship.

There are five types of love languages: 

1. Words of affirmation.

When words of affirmation are your love language, words build you up. You thrive on spoken affection, praise, encouragement, and compliments. Harsh words and criticism irk and can bother you for a long time.

2. Acts of service.

As a woman, anything your partner does willingly to ease your workload is a sign of love to you. You feel cared for when, for instance, your partner vacuums (or sweeps) before you get to it or makes you breakfast as a surprise. On the other hand, broken promises or laziness can make you feel unimportant.

3. Receiving gifts.

When you speak this love language, a thoughtful (special) gift shows you that you are special. In contrast, generic gifts and forgotten special events have the opposite effect. This love language is not necessarily materialistic – it could be as simple as receiving your favourite snack after a bad day.

4. Quality time.

To you, nothing says you’re loved like undivided attention. When your partner is genuinely present (not looking at their phone, laptop or TV), it makes you feel important. Failure to actively listen or long periods without one-on-one time can make you feel unloved.

5. Physical touch.

Holding hands, kisses, hugs, and other tender touches are your preferred ways to show and receive love. Appropriate touches convey warmth and safety, while physical neglect can drive a wedge between you and your partner. 

Generally, men are people of action, while women thrive on words. If a woman disrespects a man, doesn’t obey his orders, or talks to him disparagingly, it is usually very difficult to convince that man that she loves him, even if she does.

 If you, as a man, spend time, resources, and efforts to make life easier for a woman and make no effort to tell her sweet nonsense, trust me, you may not win her heart. On the other hand, a playboy, with few spoken words like, ‘I love you’ or ‘you’re beautiful’, will win her heart in no time.

 Although some women may be materialistic and prefer gifts and money, some men, too, may prefer a voluptuous or sophisticated woman to a submissive, uneducated one. The examples are endless.

How love languages can improve your relationships

Most of us have one or two preferred love languages – often different than our significant other’s. If you express your love through your preferred love language, the chances are that it goes unnoticed by your partner.

For example, if your love language is gifts, and you often surprise your partner with thoughtful gifts, how does it make you feel when they just have a quick look at your thoughtful present? Meanwhile, your partner hardly values gifts but appreciates acts of service. It would mean the world to them if you did chores around the house instead of buying gifts. So you and your partner won’t feel loved, as there is a difference between what one gives and what the other wants to receive.

Many women complain that their men are not romantic: no hugs, pecks, or holding hands. Some frown at their women when they initiate any of these gestures. Some men find it hard to vocalise their feelings, such as “I love you”, “I miss you”, “you are beautiful”, and “You smell nice” appear to be very difficult for some men. “Allah Ya yi miki albarka” is difficult for some men. The issue here is a difference in love language between the couples. 

If these men go out of their way to provide for the family and make you comfortable, then to them, they’re communicating that they love you. If your man is interested in what you do, listen to your small and big talks, even if he doesn’t say a word, it means he cares about you.

My sister, if your man hardly comments on your clothes or outfits, it means he values your character and personality more than your looks. But if he’s so inclined to your physical appearance, it means you should pay much more attention to how you look than how you behave.

My brother, I know it’s a man’s nature not to vocalise what you feel, but your woman needs to know your love language to please you. Know your love language and communicate it accordingly. Also, try and get to know hers.

Some women love gifts, but this doesn’t mean they’re materialistic. Even if it’s something small, the thought matters to them. She will be happy and submissive. 

Some women love to hear sweet nonsense. These kinds of women do not care about your gift as much as they care about your attention and affection. If your woman is of this type, men, your wealth or gift will not mean much to her. Lack of attention makes her feel unloved.

In conclusion, speaking your partner’s preferred language can drastically strengthen your relationship. Relate with your partner in their love language, not yours, for a better and more fulfilling relationship. Let me stop here.

Aisha Musa Auyo is a Doctorate researcher in Educational Psychology, a wife, a mother of three, a homemaker, a chef, and a parenting/ relationship coach. She can be reached via aishamuauyo@live.co.uk.

By Salihi Adamu Takai 

Women in the Hausa community shouldn’t remain as they were in the 90’s. They don’t have to be so conservative — refusing to delve into the reflection of the life of smartness. Islam has a lot for women, and in fact, they are mostly recognised more than men in different perspectives. So, women are expected to use the opportunity Islam gives them. 

Before Prophet Muhammad (SAW) married his first wife, Khadijah, she was a wealthy businesswoman who employed men to run some of her businesses. She was inspired by the Prophet’s trustworthiness when she hired him to lead the business, which made her propose to him for marriage. The Prophet married her. 

The Khadija’s adventure in her life of being a businesswoman and the first wife of the Prophet was a challenge to the Muslim women who think that marriage is only the means to become a liability. If the Prophet’s wife could be such a businesswoman in those days, the reason for dumping our women is very outrageous. 

This could also apply to paying the dowry for marriage. Islam makes brideprice the sine qua non of marriage and says it is the right of the wife, not her parents or guardians. It is the wife’s privilege to have capital in her matrimonial house. The dowry can help her run a business while living as the wife.

Almighty Allah decreed paying for a dowry in the Qur’an, Chapter 4, verse 4, in which He says: “Give women ˹you wed˺ their due dowries graciously. But if they waive some of it willingly, then you may enjoy it freely with a clear conscience.”

Thus, dowry could serve as a form of security for the wife to use in the marital home or even upon marriage breakdown. Therefore, if that’s the case, it would be better for women to use the money for business.

Women should stop feeling dependent on their marital homes. They must be innovative and collaborate with their husbands to improve their lives.

During the Prophet’s lifetime, it was reported that the wife of the Prophet’s companion used to help her husband with some work on his farm when he was sick to get what they could. Islam is concerned about the chastity of women, so women should dress decently.

Salihi Adamu Takai wrote via salihiadamu5555@gmail.com.

By Khalilah Bint Aliyu

Never have I found it this difficult to write down my thoughts on a particular subject. The institution of marriage is highly coveted by women, especially African women. Societal pressure, feelings of vulnerability, the biological clock, and to some extent, a bit of a misunderstanding about whether it is compulsory or not.

Marriage, even though highly encouraged, is not compulsory for either gender, as long as a person can stay clear of immorality and remain firm in their tenets of faith. Allowing culture to override what the scripture states puts overwhelming pressure on many unmarried women, especially Muslim women.

I have watched bright minds become shadows of themselves for no apparent reason, yet they have to wake up daily to taunts and endless questions about when they intend to marry. A woman’s success gets downplayed. Some brave women might be willing to shrug off these tons of negative energy directed at them and pursue excellence, but they will meet an unwavering blockade from an angry parent or guardian.

Addressing this issue has to come in two aspects. We are going to address the parents or guardians and then the crux of the matter, the lady herself.

African parents, especially our mothers, derive pleasure from getting all their female children married. Should there be any delay, they get worried and intentionally or unintentionally transfer the negative energy in the form of pressure onto the unmarried ladies. It is destiny: some will marry early, others late, and some not at all. It is a gift and uncertain in nature. Aspiring for our womenfolk to marry in their early or mid-twenties is not a crime in itself, but making it a must and putting untold pressure on them can lead to poor spousal choices, deteriorating mental health, severe insecurity, and in some cases, amoral behaviors.

I want to use this analogy. A gardener sowed some orange seeds to sell the sprouts. He tended to them, and they grew healthy and strong, but no buyer showed interest. He kept watering and caring for the plants, much to the amazement of passersby. He was advised to let them be, but he paid no heed, and the seedlings grew into healthy orange trees that provided both shade and juicy fruits, subsequently attracting the attention of the right people who offered to buy the entire garden.

Women, unlike the plants here, are not for sale but are nurtured to prepare them to do the same and even more for the next generation. The more learned and well-mannered your wards are, the better equipped they will be as wives, mothers, and custodians of generations to come. Marriage will come at its destined time, and the terms “early” and “late” are manmade, designed to cause anxiety.

Keep your female children on the path of growth without any hindrance, support them, and alleviate the stress that society may throw at them, as this will make them flourish and live a life of purpose, leaving behind long-lasting positive footprints or a legacy, as it is popularly called.

For the ladies, you are strong, resilient, empathetic, and gifted with multitasking abilities. Jannah is not only for the married but also for the servants of Allah who stand firmly on the path of righteousness.

Define your life goals and, as long as they do not go against the ethics of your religion, pursue them purposefully. Don’t settle for less. I know how discouraging it can be to be told you are not enough just because you are not married. The delay that you are distressed about is a gold mine of opportunity. The fewer the number of stakeholders, the easier it is to make a decision.

As an unmarried woman, all you need to make a choice is a nod from your parents and guardians. This is not true for married women; you have husbands, in-laws, and children to think about before making decisions.

I had an opportunity to attend a two-week intensive training, an opportunity I had coveted for a while. Luckily, I got the slot. I received a nod from my husband, but I searched and could not find a trusted nanny to care for my infant for the duration of the training. I had no other option but to let go of the opportunity and wait for another one, praying that every force of nature would be favorable to me.

The above narrative is very common among women juggling both career and family. Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, in one of her interviews, spoke about how having a little princess slowed the pace of her writing career. She said, “Becoming a mother is a glorious gift, but it comes at a cost. I could probably have written two novels had I not had my child.”

I implore you all to eat well, exercise, read widely, be kind, attend seminars, symposia, volunteer your services, and watch for a deluge of opportunities, including marriage proposals. Who doesn’t want a beautiful flower?

Khalilah Aliyu Yahaya writes from Kaduna and can be reached via Khalilah20@gmail.com.

By Aisha Musa Auyo

I have been writing about how women should be patient, understanding, tolerant, verbally appreciative of their men, admire them, massage their egos, and constantly upgrade themselves to please their men, etc. The men are loving it. It’s about time women get their concerns heard.

We all love good things. And I know it’s a man’s nature not to care what his woman thinks about his looks after he marries her. The truth is, smart men know that appeasing their women pleases themselves. Most of the time, women reciprocate what they feel. If they’re happy, they radiate that energy to the people around them, and trust me, a positive vibe is contagious.

You’ve seen her, and you wanted nothing but to marry her at that moment. You will do anything to please, impress, convince, attract, and marry her. That’s not the end, though. You need to work on staying happily married to her. You need to stay attractive to her. Women are strange beings—simple yet complicated. Basic things like hygiene (oral, toilet, clothes, head, nails, and general body cleanliness), choice of perfume, or outfits can make her love or hate you. Yes, we don’t dislike—we hate. Lol.

Frankly, I don’t want to write about this. I don’t want to start telling adult males how to groom themselves, but the direct messages and tags I receive are too numerous to ignore. So, let’s do this!

It was reported to me that most men don’t flush after peeing. Yes, you read that correctly. I feel compelled to bring this out for the sake of my girls. Furthermore, when they flush after a number two, they don’t bother to wait and see if everything is cleared, let alone use the toilet brush or air freshener.

The ideal way to clean up after using the toilet is to wash yourself with soap and water. Water alone will suffice for purification, but soap is necessary for hygiene and a pleasant smell.

When it comes to underwear, kindly change them daily. Buy as many as you can afford. There are affordable ones for everyone’s pocket. Nigerian weather is not very friendly. Those sweatpants and tight trousers are bad for hygiene. Please let your body breathe!

Mouthwash, clove, and chewing gum are not for women alone. They’re oral hygiene products for both genders. Teeth scaling, polishing, and dental check-ups are not just for celebrities. They’re for everyone. Manicures, pedicures, and shaving (for men) every Friday are sunnah. Shampoo, conditioner, and anti-dandruff products are for both genders, especially men who want to grow their hair. However, they should be aware that this decision comes with financial responsibility.

Wash or sanitize your hands immediately when you get home. Bathe and brush your teeth after work, and use deodorant, body spray, antiperspirants, and perfumes (I know most of you do these things before going out). The problem is when you are home. Your wife deserves the best version of you. Please ask her what she thinks of your perfume. If her choice is different from yours, use your own choice when you are going out and her choice when you are home.

When your wife nonchalantly suggests that you freshen up, get the clue, dude… she may not spell out that you stink. And if anyone you trust offers you a clove, chewing gum, or minted sweets, gladly accept it; chances are, you need to freshen your breath. Accept corrections and observations about your hygiene with an open mind.

If you notice that your wife is avoiding physical contact or conversations with you, check your hygiene. A wife prepares herself and waits the whole day just to be with her husband. So if she’s keeping her distance, something must be amiss. Freshen up and both of you will be fine.

Women love money, they say, but decent women love hygienic and good-smelling men more. If you have money, use it to look and smell good. If you don’t, make sure you are not dirty. There are cheaper options for looking and smelling good. A woman can never hate a neat and good-smelling guy. Women pay more attention to how you smell than how you look.

And that annoying jallabiyya you men wear from Friday evening until Monday morning, please try to change the habit. It really annoys us. If we ladies can change at least two outfits a day just to please you, you may as well reciprocate the gesture. There are comfortable casual clothes that are very available and affordable.

The dreaded morning breath… we know it’s unavoidable, but hey, brush your teeth before sleeping, use mouthwash, chew mint leaves or cloves before bed. That morning intimacy couples rave about isn’t so great with morning breath. Please brush before going to Subhi prayer (that one is a complaint from your fellow men). Just brush before talking to anyone. Drink water and eat a date or apple to neutralize the acidity in your empty stomach.

In general, a pleasant smell has a calming effect on the person who wears it and the person who breathes it in. A bad smell is not only offensive to the nose but also damages the recipient’s mood, angering them instantly. The unfortunate thing is that most people who exude a bad smell are unaware of it. Therefore, as an individual, do everything humanly possible to avoid having an unpleasant odor. Never be too busy or in a hurry to the detriment of your personal hygiene and grooming.

Aisha Musa Auyo is a Doctoral researcher in Educational Psychology, a mother of three, a homemaker, caterer, and parenting/relationship coach. She can be contacted via aishamuauyo@gmail.com.

By Salihi Adamu Takai

It has been almost a month that – the discussion on the issue of the discovered “existing law”, Marriage Practice Control (CAP 26) in Kano State has become the topic of the discussion on the media. The existing law that regulated the marriage practices among the respective Kano State community on how to get married in harmony, has been discovered by the notorious lawyer in Kano, Barrister Abba Hikima. The existing law, in section 5, has listed some practices that are not allowed in the marriage – and doing so – shall put the offender into a danger of imprisonment – or its likes as it’s mentioned in section 8 of the Act.

Notwithstanding of the fact that, the 1999 Constitution of the Federal Republic of Nigeria, unequivocally, recognises the existing law in section 315, the Marriage Practice Control (CAP 26) 1988 in Kano is not effective. The law is, as it’s recognised by the Constitution, valid – but it seems useless or not in existence. The essence of any law is to control the existence of the people. It gives the right of doing something and at the same time stops people from doing something.

As I heard about “the existing law” in question, I got confused pondering on it that how could this be possible? – it seems like it’s not for Kano – or it’s just in my dreams! The law is in contrary with the people of Kano State.

The 1999 Constitution of the Federal Republic of Nigeria gives room for the State House of Assembly to make law in accordance with the culture and customs of the people living in any state. Therefore, the then government of Kano State, in 1988, made that law (Marriage Practice Control) to control the marriage practices in those days. Unfortunately, the law they made for the marriage practices, is still not in conformity with the people in the State. The people of Kano are very serious about their culture and religion. They don’t leave their culture for anything other than religion. I believe that – the law that can be so effective to them – can be that one in conformity with their cultural norms and values. You can’t control something practicable and recognisable in one’s culture and make it effective to him/her easily.

In conclusion, I am with the opinion that – the issues of marriage practices can only be controlled when they’re not in conformity with the religion, but when they remain discretionary on the people practicing them can still remain classical. Marriage is being practiced in accordance with culture and religion – or culture of the people. This is the reason why the existing law of the Marriage Practice Control (Supra) is not effective. It’s beyond the perspective of the people living in its jurisdiction.

By Jamila Yunusa Sulieman

They say ignorance is bliss, but only to the ignorant. Over the years, I have read articles on Sickle Cell Disease and witnessed some close associates deal with the unending crisis. Little did I know it would be a first-hand experience for me.

I got married without a genotype investigation, though my spouse was very sincere with his as I carelessly assumed I was of the AA genotype because my siblings all had the AA genotype except for my immediate elder brother. Careless, right? My genotype Status dawned on me during the routine medical test for antenatal. Naturally, I broke down, and full of disappointment, I prayed and cried. I had my first child and two more, which were all declared healthy and free of Sickle Cell Disease. 

It was bliss; family members would congratulate me and help me praise Allah; the feeling was more like hitting the jackpot. Four years passed by after the birth of my third child, and just then, pain and fear decided to take a seat in the kingdom of bliss. I had taken myself for an ultrasound in one of the prestigious Ultrasound service providers, where I was declared eight weeks gone. I took one of the fastest routes to my place. I walked slowly but could feel my heart beating faster; I didn’t have the excitement of pregnancy because all I felt were premonitions.

I would cry myself to sleep, and some nights, I would think deep into the night. I sparked out of melancholy. I started my antenatal clinics at 12 weeks of gestation. I became even more prayerful even though I knew I had very slim chances of having a child who wouldn’t have the SS genotype as scientifically proven. Time passed so fast, and it was 40 weeks already. I welcomed my bundle of joy with much happiness and prayers but with so much fear and guilt. 

The tension in me grew as the days passed by. He was one sickly child with a huge appetite. It was about six months when I finally summoned the courage to take him for genotype testing; after samples had been taken, I waited patiently for the test results; the wait seemed like forever. After waiting three hours, I had to enter the lab and demand the results. The microbiologist would give excuses, and so I knew something was up. 

A few minutes later, the most senior microbiologist in the lab walked up to me. Before he could complete what he was saying, I asked, “It’s SS, right?”. The affirmation on his face broke me. I walked home crying with my baby strapped to my back, and I kept repeating to myself, “I am a bad mother. I have failed my child. What have I done? How can I subject my own child to this?” I wept, I became sobber, I didn’t feel happiness or joy around me. It affected my work, my family life and my social life. 

Although I was down, I immediately registered him for the SCD clinics, I took precautions, I improved his diet, I began researching Sickle Cell Disease, I connected with mothers with Sickle Cell Disease, and we shared observations and suggestions. The nurses and doctors were always welcoming and readily available. Unfortunately, we come across people who do not understand our situation and make us feel we are just blowing things out of proportion. If only they knew the weight we carry in our hearts and the hopelessness we sometimes feel.

Sometimes, I forget his medical condition, but whenever he breaks down, it feels like the end of happiness; the whole feeling of guilt and carelessness becomes a rebirth in my life. Those days and nights of sleeplessness, the pain of watching him go through the pain and all I can do is pray and give him the best care I can. My heart gets shattered into bits and pieces. This I have brought upon my child. 

I question myself whether he would grow up to have a normal childhood like every child. What will be my answer when he begins to question his medical state in future? Would he forgive me? Would he see me as a good mother? Will there come a time when I will stop biting myself so hard?

Indeed, ignorance is not bliss but a silent time bomb waiting to explode. Love and attraction should not be the only basis for marriage; genotype plays a key role. It is time we stopped only reading about Sickle Cell Disease and began to give genotype investigation its due.

Jamila Yunusa Sulieman is an Abuja-based mother of 4 and a graduate of Ahmadu Bello University. She has a passion for enlightening others and imparting knowledge. She can be reached via suleimanjamila21@gmail.com.