Marriage

By Aisha M Auyo

Marriage is a huge opportunity to earn good deeds. By adjusting your intention, everything you do for your spouse can be an act of worship. It is that simple.

Seek to please Allah and be intentional. Every single thing you do with and for your spouse can be a form of worship when Ihsan is your motivation, and your heart is engaged in the remembrance of Allah in some way.

And by default, when good things become a habit, your good deeds are habitually earned too, insha’Allah.

From time to time, make a specific intention and say, “Oh Allah, I am doing this for my spouse only for Your sake and to earn Your pleasure.” You’ll feel the difference. A mundane task gets supercharged!

Umar ibn Al-Khattab reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said:

“Verily, deeds are only with intentions. Verily, every person will have only what they intended. Whoever emigrated to Allah and His Messenger, then his emigration is for Allah and His Messenger. Whoever emigrated to get something in the world or to marry a woman, then his emigration is for whatever he emigrated for.” (Ṣaḥīḥ al-Bukhārī 54, Ṣaḥīḥ Muslim 1907).

This hadith and post are especially important for my fellow women… wives… If all the good and extra things you do for your man are just so he wouldn’t marry another woman, know that your reward stops there. And he may marry other wives if that’s in his Qadr.

It might work if you’re being obedient, respectful, kind, and many other good things, just so you’d be his favourite among his wives, but know that the reward may stop there.

Let’s always remember that this world is only temporary… Our permanent abode is the aakhira. I am not in any way saying you should stop whatever you’re doing. In fact, I suggest we always try to improve, increase, and upgrade… 

Just be conscious of your intentions and be deliberate in whatever you do. Doing so, we will have double reward… here and in the hereafter, in sha Allah.

Aisha Musa Auyo is a doctoral researcher in Educational Psychology. A wife, a mother, a homemaker, a caterer, a parenting, and relationship coach. She can be reached via aishamuauyo@live.co.uk.

By Aisha Musa Auyo

I will begin my write-up with this Hadith: Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said, “Nothing is heavier on the believer’s scale on the Day of Judgment than good character.” (Sunan al-Tirmidh).

If we pay attention and are fair to ourselves, I bet you will realise that none of us is perfect. We all have areas in our lives where we excel, and we all have areas where we do not excel – or even fail. This will be true in your marital life as well. So, let us try to upgrade our character based on this fact.

Marriages collapse for many reasons. Some marriages and relationships go wrong because people fail to praise each other’s strengths and tend to criticise each other’s weaknesses. 

Let me tell you from experience. I love getting praise when I do something good, but if I totally blow something, I am already critical and upset enough with myself that I do not need my mate coming in and twisting the knife, so to speak. I am pretty sure everyone out there would agree with me on this. 

If you want to approach marriage the right way, you must generously praise each other, particularly when one excels at something, and use criticism sparingly when one flounders. Pray about the challenges and allow Allah, the Most High, to handle the work. 

Crushing your spouse’s soul will only push them away and never pull them toward you. When you see your spouse has messed something up, this is a time to draw them into your arms, hug them tight, and assure them everything will be okay. 

Marriage is teamwork, not competition, so learn to support and encourage each other. If you discover that you have strengths in areas where your spouse is weaker, take the lead in those aspects of the relationship and allow your partner to excel in what they do best. This synergy is achievable only in a healthy, selfless, progressive marriage.

If you both struggle in an area, agree to collaborate to address it. Learning to use this key effectively will create tremendous harmony in your relationship.

This formula can be applied beyond marital relationships. Any type of relationship can benefit from it, including those between parents and children, teachers and students, siblings, coworkers, or employers.

In a world where you can be anything…. choose positivity, compassion, empathy, and kindness. Remember, people may forget how you look, but they may never forget how you made them feel.

One more reason to be kind, encouraging, and compassionate is the hadith that the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said: “The best among you are those who have the best manners and character” (Sahih al-Bukhari).

Aisha Musa Auyo is a Doctorate researcher in Educational Psychology. A wife, a mother, a homemaker, caterer, parenting, and relationship coach. She can be reached via aishamuauyo@live.co.uk.

By Ibrahyim A. El-Caleel

Muslim men who have an interest in interfaith marriages (marriage to non-Muslim wives) seem to be looking at the matter only at the surface. They do not look deeply into the injunctions around the whole marriage. 

Yes, Islam permits a Muslim man to marry a non-Muslim wife, but the reverse case is prohibited. Some of the few things you must think deeply about and seek explanations from scholars over are:

1.It is not permissible for the Muslim husband to force his non-Muslim wife to accept Islam. This is not permissible in Islam. 

2. To what degree can you ensure that your children from the wife remain upon the fitrah – remain as Muslims? A large number of children from this form of marriage end up as non-Muslims. Some of them leave the fold of Islam after their Muslim fathers die. Some of the fathers don’t even care. They actually make it a “democracy” sort of thing. “You boys and girls can just choose what you think you are okay with- my religion or your mother’s”. 

3. How do you reconcile specific differences between the injunctions in your religion and hers? An example here is that a Muslim wife must take her janabah bath after menstruating. Equally, there is no intercourse during that period. Are you aware of what is the provision for a non-Muslim wife? From where do you start, especially since there is even a niyyah (intention) component in the janabah bath? Have you thought about this before?

4. You must allow her to practice her religion if she is genuinely committed to it. If, for example, she must hang a symbol of her religion, let’s say , in her living room, would you be okay with it? Okay, let’s assume you have no problem with that. Have you asked what the Islamic injunction on praying is for any of your five compulsory prayers in a room with such a symbol inside it? 

Both Muslim men and non-Muslim women must seek clarification on some of these things before getting married. They should not just look at the permissibility at the surface. What are the other injunctions within such a marriage? Islam is full of injunctions as a religion based on knowledge of the Qur’an and Hadith. 

There are many injunctions even in a marriage between a Muslim man and a Muslim woman. Therefore, intending couples in interfaith marriages must better know what they are getting into. It is not always about getting a flight ticket and a visa to Rome. You must think ahead—what happens after you land in Rome?

By Maimunna Katuka Aliyu

Understanding blood types and genotypes is crucial for emergencies, such as blood transfusions during accidents. However, knowing one’s genotype, particularly before marriage, is equally important to avoid having children with Sickle Cell Disease (SCD).

Blood genotypes determine an individual’s blood type, inherited from our parents and remain constant throughout our lives. The four main blood types are A, B, AB, and O, classified based on the presence of antigens in red blood cells. The Rh factor can also be present (Rh-positive) or absent (Rh-negative), further defining blood types.

Blood genotypes play significant roles in the following:
– Blood Transfusions: Ensuring compatibility between donor and recipient blood.
– Pregnancy: Preventing complications like haemolytic disease of the newborn.
– Organ Transplants: Matching donor and recipient blood types for successful transplants.
– Disease Susceptibility: Influencing susceptibility to diseases like sickle cell anaemia.

Sickle cell disease is a genetic disorder affecting haemoglobin production, leading to abnormal red blood cells. These cells become crescent-shaped and rigid, causing a range of health problems. The genotype responsible for SCD is known as HbSS or HbSβthal, resulting from a mutation in the HBB gene.

Individuals with sickle cell disease have two copies of the mutated gene (HbSS), while those with one normal gene and one mutated gene (HbAS) have the sickle cell trait but generally remain healthy. Understanding an individual’s genotype is crucial in determining their risk of developing SCD or passing it to their offspring.

The symptoms of sickle cell disease can vary in severity and include:
– Anemia
– Fatigue
– Shortness of breath
– Pale skin
– Yellowing of the skin and eyes (jaundice)
– Painful episodes (crises)
– Swelling of hands and feet
– Increased risk of infections

While there is no cure for sickle cell disease, several management options help alleviate symptoms and prevent complications:
– Pain Management: Medications like acetaminophen and ibuprofen.
– Blood Transfusions: Increasing healthy red blood cell levels.
– Hydroxyurea: Reducing the frequency of painful episodes and improving anaemia.

Aisha Mahmud, a sickle cell patient diagnosed at age three, shared her experiences. As she grew older, the frequency of her crises reduced, occurring only once every three months. She regularly visits Primus Hospital in Karu, Abuja, and FMC Azare for checkups. Aisha emphasises that emotional stress often triggers crises, highlighting the importance of therapy over medication. Remarkably, her genotype changed from SS to AC, bringing immense joy to her family.

The challenges faced by sickle cell patients are immense, impacting them physically, psychologically, emotionally, and financially. Crises can occur unpredictably, causing significant distress to patients and their families.

Researchers are continuously exploring new treatment options for sickle cell disease. Some of the latest developments include:

– Hydroxyurea: Reduces pain crises and acute chest syndrome, decreasing the need for blood transfusions.

– Voxelotor: Approved for people age four and older to reduce pain crises and improve anaemia.

– Crizanlizumab: Approved for people age 16 and older to reduce pain crises.

– L-glutamine: Approved for people age five and older to reduce pain crises.

– Bone Marrow Transplant: Can cure some individuals with SCD but requires careful consideration and a suitable donor.

– Gene Therapy: Genes are used to correct the mutations that cause sickle cell disease.

– CRISPR Technology: A gene-editing tool that corrects the mutation causing SCD.

In conclusion, sickle cell disease is a complex and debilitating genetic disorder affecting millions worldwide. While there is no cure, management options help alleviate symptoms and prevent complications. Ongoing research and new treatment options offer hope for improved treatment and potentially a cure in the future.

Maimunna Katuka Aliyu wrote via munat815@gmail.com.

By Aisha Musa Auyo 

September is globally declared Sickle Cell Awareness Month.  The month is dedicated to raising awareness about sickle cell disease (SCD) and the challenges faced by those living with this inherited blood disorder. It serves as an opportunity to educate the public, promote early diagnosis, and advocate for better treatment options and research. 

The month also highlights the importance of genetic screening, support for patients and families, and increased funding to improve the quality of life for individuals affected by SCD. Through community events, health campaigns, and social media, advocates aim to bring attention to the urgent need for action and support for those impacted by sickle cell disease.

Today, I want to discuss sickle cell disease from a social and psychological perspective rather than a medical one. While I’m not a medical doctor, I’ll focus on the impact this condition has on families and individuals beyond the clinical aspects.

Anyone who knows me as a relationship coach knows that I deeply love and believe in love. I advocate for it passionately. However, when it comes to marriage, love is just one of many essential foundations. I’ll be very realistic here—there’s much more needed to make a marriage thrive. We’re all witnesses to the struggles and the painful moments of crisis of sickle cell sufferers. We know how their parents strain to cope with the financial demands at times of crisis.

For AS-AS couples who choose to look beyond their genotype and marry for love, the romantic vision they once had is often overshadowed by constant worry, fear, and apprehension. The looming possibility of having a child with sickle cell disease adds significant stress. After having children, the anxiety only deepens, with parents constantly fearing an impending crisis or managing one. This often results in the other children not receiving the care and attention they need, as the focus shifts primarily to the sick child.

Sometimes, the mother has to forfeit most of her dreams and aspirations because she’s always in and out of the hospital. I don’t want to mention the fear, horror, and pain they endure whenever their kids are in the hospital. The hospital becomes the second home of sickle cell kids with their parents. 

These parents hardly have any social life outside their homes and hospitals. The mothers, who are naturally more emotional, tend to be most affected by this.

Now, let’s discuss the pain and agony of sickle cell children. As much as I hate to write about it, we have to do it.  The pain experienced by a sickle cell patient is not only severe but often unpredictable. It can occur when least expected. 

The crisis stems from the sickle-shaped red blood cells that block blood flow, reducing oxygen delivery to tissues and causing intense pain. The pain can affect various parts of the body, particularly the bones, joints, chest, and abdomen. It can be acute (lasting hours to days) or chronic (persistent over time). The episodes are triggered by stress, dehydration, cold, or infections. The ensuing pain can be debilitating, leading to hospitalisations and significantly affecting the patient’s quality of life.

As these children grow older, many develop feelings of resentment toward their parents. They feel that their parents prioritised their desires over the potential suffering of their children. Every painful episode and crisis can remind you of choices made without fully considering the long-term consequences. This resentment stems from a sense of betrayal as they bear the physical and emotional toll of a decision that was not theirs. Parents often face this blame, which adds another layer of pain to an already difficult journey.

Parents in this situation are bound to carry the heavy burden of guilt and regret. Some marriages don’t survive the strain, leading to divorce, while others remain intact but with the painful decision to stop having children. 

I’ve seen firsthand the difficult choices couples make, including terminating multiple pregnancies because the babies were predicted to have sickle cell disease. It begs the question—why start down this path in the first place, knowing the potential heartache? No one should have to make these choices, and it’s a reminder of the importance of understanding genetic risks before taking that step.

Dear aspiring couples, Love, while beautiful, is not enough to withstand the many challenges that marriage brings. If both of you carry the AS genotype, I urge you to reconsider your relationship. There are many potential partners out there, and though it may be difficult, stepping away now could save you unimaginable heartache later. Trust me, it’s not worth the pain.

To couples already married with the AS genotype, please think carefully before bringing more children into the world. Consider the immense suffering that comes with sickle cell disease—for both you and your child. Spare them the pain and constant crises. Your love can be expressed in ways that protect their future.

Dear parents of children with sickle cell, my heart goes out to you. As a fellow parent, I can only imagine the trauma, pain, regrets, and difficult choices you face. The physical, financial, and emotional toll can feel overwhelming at times. 

Please remember that this is beyond your control, and you are doing your best for your child. Stay strong and lean on each other for support. Don’t hesitate to seek help from family, and make time for yourselves to recharge. Remember, there’s a life outside the hospital and home—try to socialise and find moments of joy. 

Connect with other parents who understand your journey, learn the best ways to care for your child, and never stop seeking knowledge. Above all, pray for Allah’s guidance and strength. You are not alone, and you will get through this.

Dear sickle cell warrior, please know your parents are deeply feeling your pain. They live with a mix of empathy and guilt, wishing they could take away your suffering. While they can’t change the course of destiny, they are sacrificing so much to ensure you have the care and support you need. Their love for you runs incredibly deep, often even more so because of the battles you face. If they could go back and change things, they would do so in a heartbeat. Always remember that your health and happiness mean the world to them.

The spread of the sickle cell genotype can end in a few generations when we intentionally avoid reproducing that genotype. It is a must for all of us to know our genotype before engaging in any serious relationship with the opposite gender. A stitch in time saves nine.

In my next post on this topic, I will discuss prevailing medical solutions in the management and treatment of sickle celldisease.

Aisha Musa Auyo is a Doctorate researcher in Educational Psychology. A wife, a mother, a homemaker, caterer, parenting, and relationship coach. She can be reached via aishamuauyo@live.co.uk.

By Aisha Musa Auyo

Hormones influence or determine a considerable percentage of our behaviours and physical appearance. If we say our hormones are what makes us, we won’t be exaggerating. Yet, we hardly discuss it. Yet very few know about it; very few believe in its impact. From genetics to behavioural scientists to physiologists and psychologists, these specialists believe in the power of hormones, especially in women. I will try my best to write in the simplest language possible so that I will not suffocate you with medical jargon.

Hormones are chemicals that coordinate different bodily functions by carrying messages through the blood to the various organs, the skin, muscles, and other tissues. Hormones are the signals that tell your body what to do and when to do it. There is no gainsaying, therefore, that hormones are essential for life and health. So far, scientists have identified over 50 hormones in the human body.

 Hormones control many bodily processes, including metabolism, homeostasis (constant internal balance), such as blood pressure and blood sugar regulation, fluid (water) and electrolyte balance, body temperature, growth and development. Hormones also affect sexual function, reproduction, sleep-wake cycle, and mood.

With hormones, a little bit goes a long way. Because of this, minor changes in levels can cause significant changes to your body and lead to certain conditions that require medical attention. The levels and nature of hormones in the body correlate with our moods, sense of smell, body odour, taste buds, thinking faculty, energy, and looks. 

In this week’s outing, I will start with women, as they are the gender whose hormones have a greater influence and impact on their lives. If you have a woman in your life, regardless of your relationship with her, know that hormones are constantly influencing her. 

Growing up and transitioning into a woman is a roller-coaster of emotional and physical changes. There will be noticeable differences in her attitude, looks, behaviour, and even how she smells. There will be irritability, sadness, and heightened or lowered confidence.

Women have heightened hormonal influence during certain periods. When she grows from a girl to an adult, when she’s ovulating, and at different times when she is on her monthly period. There is a hormonal influence in pregnancy when she is breastfeeding and when she is using hormonal contraceptives. There is yet another hormonal issue at menopause, just as it is at adolescence. 

A few days to menstrual onset (ovulation periods), a woman experiences a libido boost, appetite changes, heightened sense of smell and mood changes…usually in a good mood. But, during the onset of their period, a woman will experience cramps, dizziness, bloating, acne breakout, feeling tired, and mood swings…sadness, anger and anxiety. It isjust a roller-coaster of feelings and emotions. 

When pregnant (this should be a topic of its own), a woman is most likely to experience, among other things, morning sickness, dizziness, nausea, and vomiting; strange food cravings; fatigue; heightened sense of smell; forgetfulness; lack of patience; and crying for no explicit reasons. Bro, be patient and empathic; it’s beyond her. 

Then there comes the postpartum and breastfeeding period, which is associated with crying, difficulty in making decisions, lack of sleep or oversleeping, tiredness, mood swings, etc. Not infrequently, a woman may fall into depression at this phase. 

Then, there are issues relating to the use of contraceptives. These range from headache, migraine, acne, weight loss or gain, hair loss, smooth skin, dryness, and mood swings. The signs are numerous, depending on the woman and the type of contraceptives used.

Then, there is the advent of menopause, which comes with palpitations, hot or cold flashes, difficulty sleeping, tiredness and irritability, dryness and a whole lot of other changes.

Have you ever noticed how a woman can be so lovely today and nasty the next day for no reason? Have you ever seen a woman cry just like that? Have you ever seen a woman with clear skin today and skin full of rashes or acne tomorrow? Have you ever noticed that a woman can be thin today and bloated the day after? Know that these amazing, dramatic transformations result from the interplay of hormones. You have to be tolerant, understanding, and kind.

As a husband, father, son, brother, or friend, you need to understand the complexities of hormones in women to a certain level. This will help you make informed decisions about certain behaviours. This might help explain some oddities in women’s behaviour you experience or notice. The knowledge will help you and be the person she needs during those trying periods.

Sometimes, all a woman needs is space, silence, patience, kind words, empathy, massages, or a shoulder to cry on (that is, if she’s your wife, yauwa!). Chocolates, a listening ear, a credit alert (LOL!), hot tea, a pain killer, or taking her on a walk may be the healing or soothing balm.

The above is just a summary of what women go through. I will expound on each stage in subsequent editions, each stage as a topic of itself, and see how we can navigate through each milestone of hormonal symphony and the complexities of women’s health and emotions. Insha Allah.

Dear reader, but do you know that men, too, have hormones and emotional issues which we overlook? From childhood to adolescence and adulthood, men also come under certain societal expectations and pressure to suppress their feelings. I will try to summarise that in my next article.

Aisha Musa Auyo is a Doctorate researcher in Educational Psychology, a wife, a mother of three, a homemaker, a chef, and a parenting/ relationship coach. She can be reached via aishamuauyo@live.co.uk.

By Abdurrazak Muktar Makarfi

A home that lacks peace is a prison. This statement resonates deeply with the human experience, highlighting the fundamental need for tranquillity and harmony within one’s living space. Ideally, the home is a sanctuary where individuals can retreat from the chaos of the outside world to find solace and comfort. When this essential peace is disrupted, the very essence of the home is transformed into a confining and oppressive space akin to a prison.

In a home bereft of peace, the walls that should offer protection and security become barriers, trapping the inhabitants in a cycle of stress and unease. The once-welcoming rooms turn into cells devoid of warmth and joy. Instead of being a refuge, every corner of the house becomes a reminder of the discord and strife that permeates the environment. This transformation is not merely symbolic; it has tangible effects on the well-being and mental health of those who dwell within.

Consider the psychological toll of living in such an environment. Constant exposure to conflict and tension can lead to chronic stress, anxiety, and even depression. Starved of peace, the mind becomes a battleground where thoughts of escape and a longing for freedom from turmoil dominate. This relentless pressure can erode relationships, fray tempers, and diminish the overall quality of life. In its truest sense, the home is lost, replaced by a space that suffocates rather than nurtures.

Moreover, the absence of peace disrupts the natural rhythm of daily life. Simple pleasures, like sharing a meal or enjoying a quiet evening, are overshadowed by underlying tensions. Conversations are strained, and the genuine connection between family members is fractured. The home fails to serve its purpose as a haven of intimacy and love and instead becomes a site of emotional incarceration.

In contrast, a home imbued with peace is a fortress of strength, providing its residents with the stability and support needed to face external challenges. It fosters a sense of belonging and security, where each individual feels valued and understood. In such an environment, love and respect flourish, creating a positive feedback loop that reinforces the home’s role as a sanctuary.

To transform a house that feels like a prison back into a peaceful home requires conscious effort and commitment from all inhabitants. Open communication, mutual respect, and a willingness to resolve conflicts amicably are essential. Cultivating a calm home is not merely about the absence of conflict but the presence of understanding, empathy, and shared purpose.

In conclusion, a home without peace is a prison, trapping its inhabitants in a relentless cycle of discord and discomfort. The importance of a peaceful home cannot be overstated; it is the bedrock of personal well-being and harmonious relationships. By prioritising peace and fostering a nurturing environment, a home can fulfil its role as a sanctuary, offering respite from the outside world and enriching the lives of those within.

Abdurrazak Muktar Makarfi wrote via prof4true@gmail.com.

By Aisha M Auyo

Love, it is popularly said, makes the world go round. This implies that the presence of love engenders harmony, peace, and tranquillity in relationships.

As the nucleus of the family, which in turn is the pivot of human society, it is very important that true or genuine love exists between the two people who live together as a couple, as in husband and wife.

Do you know the concept of love language? Do you know your love language? Do you know your partner’s love language?

Knowing about these will solve most of the issues that usually rock marriages and our relationships with others.

Love language is defined as a person’s characteristic means of showing affection or care for another. It can also be portrayed as how a person prefers to express love to—and receive it from—a partner. 

If you doubt your partner still loves you, know you are not alone. The fact is, you might be speaking a different love language from that of your partner. 

Relationship expert Dr. Gary Chapman created the concept of love languages in his book The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts. 

The book explains that to ensure a healthy relationship, it is essential to identify and use your partner’s love language. This will help eliminate miscommunication and allow for a more understanding, harmonious couple. The following are some points to know about love languages to help you on the road to a healthier relationship.

There are five types of love languages: 

1. Words of affirmation.

When words of affirmation are your love language, words build you up. You thrive on spoken affection, praise, encouragement, and compliments. Harsh words and criticism irk and can bother you for a long time.

2. Acts of service.

As a woman, anything your partner does willingly to ease your workload is a sign of love to you. You feel cared for when, for instance, your partner vacuums (or sweeps) before you get to it or makes you breakfast as a surprise. On the other hand, broken promises or laziness can make you feel unimportant.

3. Receiving gifts.

When you speak this love language, a thoughtful (special) gift shows you that you are special. In contrast, generic gifts and forgotten special events have the opposite effect. This love language is not necessarily materialistic – it could be as simple as receiving your favourite snack after a bad day.

4. Quality time.

To you, nothing says you’re loved like undivided attention. When your partner is genuinely present (not looking at their phone, laptop or TV), it makes you feel important. Failure to actively listen or long periods without one-on-one time can make you feel unloved.

5. Physical touch.

Holding hands, kisses, hugs, and other tender touches are your preferred ways to show and receive love. Appropriate touches convey warmth and safety, while physical neglect can drive a wedge between you and your partner. 

Generally, men are people of action, while women thrive on words. If a woman disrespects a man, doesn’t obey his orders, or talks to him disparagingly, it is usually very difficult to convince that man that she loves him, even if she does.

 If you, as a man, spend time, resources, and efforts to make life easier for a woman and make no effort to tell her sweet nonsense, trust me, you may not win her heart. On the other hand, a playboy, with few spoken words like, ‘I love you’ or ‘you’re beautiful’, will win her heart in no time.

 Although some women may be materialistic and prefer gifts and money, some men, too, may prefer a voluptuous or sophisticated woman to a submissive, uneducated one. The examples are endless.

How love languages can improve your relationships

Most of us have one or two preferred love languages – often different than our significant other’s. If you express your love through your preferred love language, the chances are that it goes unnoticed by your partner.

For example, if your love language is gifts, and you often surprise your partner with thoughtful gifts, how does it make you feel when they just have a quick look at your thoughtful present? Meanwhile, your partner hardly values gifts but appreciates acts of service. It would mean the world to them if you did chores around the house instead of buying gifts. So you and your partner won’t feel loved, as there is a difference between what one gives and what the other wants to receive.

Many women complain that their men are not romantic: no hugs, pecks, or holding hands. Some frown at their women when they initiate any of these gestures. Some men find it hard to vocalise their feelings, such as “I love you”, “I miss you”, “you are beautiful”, and “You smell nice” appear to be very difficult for some men. “Allah Ya yi miki albarka” is difficult for some men. The issue here is a difference in love language between the couples. 

If these men go out of their way to provide for the family and make you comfortable, then to them, they’re communicating that they love you. If your man is interested in what you do, listen to your small and big talks, even if he doesn’t say a word, it means he cares about you.

My sister, if your man hardly comments on your clothes or outfits, it means he values your character and personality more than your looks. But if he’s so inclined to your physical appearance, it means you should pay much more attention to how you look than how you behave.

My brother, I know it’s a man’s nature not to vocalise what you feel, but your woman needs to know your love language to please you. Know your love language and communicate it accordingly. Also, try and get to know hers.

Some women love gifts, but this doesn’t mean they’re materialistic. Even if it’s something small, the thought matters to them. She will be happy and submissive. 

Some women love to hear sweet nonsense. These kinds of women do not care about your gift as much as they care about your attention and affection. If your woman is of this type, men, your wealth or gift will not mean much to her. Lack of attention makes her feel unloved.

In conclusion, speaking your partner’s preferred language can drastically strengthen your relationship. Relate with your partner in their love language, not yours, for a better and more fulfilling relationship. Let me stop here.

Aisha Musa Auyo is a Doctorate researcher in Educational Psychology, a wife, a mother of three, a homemaker, a chef, and a parenting/ relationship coach. She can be reached via aishamuauyo@live.co.uk.

By Salihi Adamu Takai 

Women in the Hausa community shouldn’t remain as they were in the 90’s. They don’t have to be so conservative — refusing to delve into the reflection of the life of smartness. Islam has a lot for women, and in fact, they are mostly recognised more than men in different perspectives. So, women are expected to use the opportunity Islam gives them. 

Before Prophet Muhammad (SAW) married his first wife, Khadijah, she was a wealthy businesswoman who employed men to run some of her businesses. She was inspired by the Prophet’s trustworthiness when she hired him to lead the business, which made her propose to him for marriage. The Prophet married her. 

The Khadija’s adventure in her life of being a businesswoman and the first wife of the Prophet was a challenge to the Muslim women who think that marriage is only the means to become a liability. If the Prophet’s wife could be such a businesswoman in those days, the reason for dumping our women is very outrageous. 

This could also apply to paying the dowry for marriage. Islam makes brideprice the sine qua non of marriage and says it is the right of the wife, not her parents or guardians. It is the wife’s privilege to have capital in her matrimonial house. The dowry can help her run a business while living as the wife.

Almighty Allah decreed paying for a dowry in the Qur’an, Chapter 4, verse 4, in which He says: “Give women ˹you wed˺ their due dowries graciously. But if they waive some of it willingly, then you may enjoy it freely with a clear conscience.”

Thus, dowry could serve as a form of security for the wife to use in the marital home or even upon marriage breakdown. Therefore, if that’s the case, it would be better for women to use the money for business.

Women should stop feeling dependent on their marital homes. They must be innovative and collaborate with their husbands to improve their lives.

During the Prophet’s lifetime, it was reported that the wife of the Prophet’s companion used to help her husband with some work on his farm when he was sick to get what they could. Islam is concerned about the chastity of women, so women should dress decently.

Salihi Adamu Takai wrote via salihiadamu5555@gmail.com.

By Khalilah Bint Aliyu

Never have I found it this difficult to write down my thoughts on a particular subject. The institution of marriage is highly coveted by women, especially African women. Societal pressure, feelings of vulnerability, the biological clock, and to some extent, a bit of a misunderstanding about whether it is compulsory or not.

Marriage, even though highly encouraged, is not compulsory for either gender, as long as a person can stay clear of immorality and remain firm in their tenets of faith. Allowing culture to override what the scripture states puts overwhelming pressure on many unmarried women, especially Muslim women.

I have watched bright minds become shadows of themselves for no apparent reason, yet they have to wake up daily to taunts and endless questions about when they intend to marry. A woman’s success gets downplayed. Some brave women might be willing to shrug off these tons of negative energy directed at them and pursue excellence, but they will meet an unwavering blockade from an angry parent or guardian.

Addressing this issue has to come in two aspects. We are going to address the parents or guardians and then the crux of the matter, the lady herself.

African parents, especially our mothers, derive pleasure from getting all their female children married. Should there be any delay, they get worried and intentionally or unintentionally transfer the negative energy in the form of pressure onto the unmarried ladies. It is destiny: some will marry early, others late, and some not at all. It is a gift and uncertain in nature. Aspiring for our womenfolk to marry in their early or mid-twenties is not a crime in itself, but making it a must and putting untold pressure on them can lead to poor spousal choices, deteriorating mental health, severe insecurity, and in some cases, amoral behaviors.

I want to use this analogy. A gardener sowed some orange seeds to sell the sprouts. He tended to them, and they grew healthy and strong, but no buyer showed interest. He kept watering and caring for the plants, much to the amazement of passersby. He was advised to let them be, but he paid no heed, and the seedlings grew into healthy orange trees that provided both shade and juicy fruits, subsequently attracting the attention of the right people who offered to buy the entire garden.

Women, unlike the plants here, are not for sale but are nurtured to prepare them to do the same and even more for the next generation. The more learned and well-mannered your wards are, the better equipped they will be as wives, mothers, and custodians of generations to come. Marriage will come at its destined time, and the terms “early” and “late” are manmade, designed to cause anxiety.

Keep your female children on the path of growth without any hindrance, support them, and alleviate the stress that society may throw at them, as this will make them flourish and live a life of purpose, leaving behind long-lasting positive footprints or a legacy, as it is popularly called.

For the ladies, you are strong, resilient, empathetic, and gifted with multitasking abilities. Jannah is not only for the married but also for the servants of Allah who stand firmly on the path of righteousness.

Define your life goals and, as long as they do not go against the ethics of your religion, pursue them purposefully. Don’t settle for less. I know how discouraging it can be to be told you are not enough just because you are not married. The delay that you are distressed about is a gold mine of opportunity. The fewer the number of stakeholders, the easier it is to make a decision.

As an unmarried woman, all you need to make a choice is a nod from your parents and guardians. This is not true for married women; you have husbands, in-laws, and children to think about before making decisions.

I had an opportunity to attend a two-week intensive training, an opportunity I had coveted for a while. Luckily, I got the slot. I received a nod from my husband, but I searched and could not find a trusted nanny to care for my infant for the duration of the training. I had no other option but to let go of the opportunity and wait for another one, praying that every force of nature would be favorable to me.

The above narrative is very common among women juggling both career and family. Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, in one of her interviews, spoke about how having a little princess slowed the pace of her writing career. She said, “Becoming a mother is a glorious gift, but it comes at a cost. I could probably have written two novels had I not had my child.”

I implore you all to eat well, exercise, read widely, be kind, attend seminars, symposia, volunteer your services, and watch for a deluge of opportunities, including marriage proposals. Who doesn’t want a beautiful flower?

Khalilah Aliyu Yahaya writes from Kaduna and can be reached via Khalilah20@gmail.com.