Lifestyle

By Usman Muhammad Salihu

In our busy lives, we often overlook a fundamental truth: sharing what little we have can bring blessings to others and ourselves. It doesn’t require grand gestures or lavish gifts; sometimes, small acts of sharing can profoundly impact lives and illuminate the world.

Sharing fosters connections between people, whether it’s with a friend, a family member, or even a stranger. These bonds can be significant, reminding us of our shared humanity. Sharing brings joy, whether you’re offering your time, food, or old clothes. Giving, even in modest amounts, can bring immense happiness and contentment. Knowing you’ve made someone else’s day better is a joy.

What might seem insignificant to you could mean the world to someone in need. Your extra meal or a warm blanket could mean the difference between hunger and comfort for someone less fortunate. Sharing eases the burden of those in hardship and can inspire others to do the same, creating a cycle of kindness that brightens the world one act at a time. Moreover, it cultivates gratitude for the small blessings in your life, fostering a more positive outlook.

Across various cultures and beliefs, there’s a common understanding that what you give is what you receive or even more than that (givers never lack). The universe has a way of rewarding those who share, although not always in the same form. Sharing also minimises waste, putting resources to good use and contributing to a more efficient use of our planet’s resources.

Your act of sharing has a ripple effect, touching the lives of many. These blessings extend far beyond you, positively impacting the world. It’s not about the quantity you give but the quality of your heart when you give. A warm smile, a meal, or a helping hand – each act of sharing can change lives and enhance the world, one kindness at a time. Therefore, never underestimate the profound impact of sharing. It’s only in giving we receive the true blessings of life.

Usman Muhammad Salihu writes from Jos, Nigeria and can be reached via muhammadu5363@gmail.com.

By Aisha Musa Auyo

In simple terms, body shaming is defined as the action or practice of mocking or stigmatising someone by making critical comments about the shape, size, or appearance of their body.

Body shaming involves humiliating someone by making inappropriate or negative comments about their body size or shape. As well as “fat shaming,” you may also hear negative comments if you’re underweight or about a specific body part.

This type of criticism can be made to others or yourself. You may feel unhappy with your weight or body’s appearance and judge yourself harshly. You may even engage in negative self-talk, such as “I feel so fat today” or “I need to stop stuffing my face with food.”

The act of body shaming can be carried out in person or remotely via the internet and social media and can be done by your parents, siblings, friends, or people you’re not even close to.

Even in a joking manner, remarks about what you eat or how much food you consume constitute body shaming. Giving someone advice about dieting or praising weight loss is also considered body shaming, whether intentional or not. 

Your friends and family often don’t want to hurt your feelings, but their comments can still be critical. They may not realise the negative effect that questions like “Have you lost weight?” or “Do you need to eat all of that?” can have.

Why Do People Body Shame?

You know how hurtful these behaviours can be if you’ve received those judgments—or even within earshot of words, looks, and gestures that judge others. So why do people do it?

Before I discuss why people choose to body shame others, I would say right up front: reasons don’t equal excuses! Ever. There’s no appropriate reason to make another person feel bad about the skin they’re in.

At the same time, it can be helpful to understand the motivation behind a person’s hurtful words. Doing this gives us perspective. Perspective helps us decide on the best path forward. Depending on the situation, we might:

* Shake off what another person says about us

* Remain confident as we see the lack of confidence in others

* Understand the heart behind hurtful words

* Call out misbehaviour in a calm, respectful manner

* Shut down rude talk without room for more to be said

With this in mind, let’s gain some perspective on why people do it.

We could talk about many interesting things—and have many good reasons to laugh. So why talk about how a person looks, right? Unfortunately, plenty of people do. Let’s look at some of the reasons why

1. Insecurity: When a person feels self-conscious about their body, they may talk badly about another person’s body to make themselves feel better. 

2. Societal norms: For so long, joking about how people look has been something that many people were brought up thinking is okay. This is learned bias.

3. Societal norms: For so long, joking about how people look has been something that many people were brought up thinking is okay. This is learned bias.

4. Best of intentions: Friends, family members, and even medical professionals can think they’re helpful by pointing out perceived areas for improvement in another person.

5. Lack of awareness: A person may refer to a friend’s stature or frame and not realise that they’ve crossed a line or that the person on the receiving end doesn’t like it.

5. Immaturity and lack of empathy: Some people don’t take the time or care to consider their words or how they might affect another person.

Please, allow me to be blunt. Beyond gaining perspective, it doesn’t matter why a person chooses to body shame. After all, the results are the same. Body shaming is known to cause mental health problems, eating disorders, low self-esteem, etc.

Most of us know firsthand about the adverse effects of body shaming because we’ve been on the receiving end of it at one time or another—especially when we were growing up. Research shows that 94% of teen girls and 64% of teen boys have been body-shamed.

The effects of body shaming and how to overcome it

Hearing negative comments about your appearance can impact your body image and leave you feeling anxious and self-conscious. However, there are ways to manage body shaming or other critical remarks and achieve body acceptance.

Supermodels and prima ballerinas have insecurities and imperfections, but we still perceive them as the ultimate representations of beauty. You may feel inadequate and unworthy if you don’t meet these standards.

And if you experience body shaming by others and take their negative comments to heart, it can lead to unhealthy behaviours and mental health problems, such as:

Eating Disorders: Having a negative body image is one of the main factors for developing disordered eating or an eating disorder, such as anorexia, bulimia, or binge eating.

You may start a diet that involves restrictive eating to change your body shape or size. However, such dieting can spiral into harmful behaviours like skipping meals, fasting, vomiting after eating, excessive exercising, or overusing laxatives. Over time, you deprive your body and brain of essential nutrients necessary for optimal health.

Body shaming comments such as “Did you lose weight? You look so much better” can be triggering and create more disordered eating habits in an attempt to maintain or lose even more weight.

Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD): Experiencing body shaming can interfere with your self-image and make you feel highly self-conscious. This can escalate into body dysmorphic disorder, where you become obsessed with a perceived appearance flaw that can create repeated avoidance behaviours.

Daily life can become consumed with concerns about a minor flaw or one not apparent to others. You may constantly look at yourself in the mirror or avoid mirrors altogether, conceal body parts you don’t like, pick at your skin, or frequently ask others if you look okay.

Being constantly ashamed of your body can also impair your performance at school and interfere with your relationships with peers, teachers, and family members. Fears about being judged by others may cause you to limit or avoid social activities.

Anxiety and depression: Body shaming can trigger or worsen existing symptoms of anxiety and depression. If you are body-shamed in public or on social media, you may try to avoid going to school or other situations where this shaming might occur. You may withdraw from others and feel isolated and alone.

Hearing critical comments about your appearance can also be humiliating, heighten your insecurities, and damage your self-esteem. Consequently, you may engage in negative self-talk as you internalise these feelings of worthlessness. You may tell yourself things like “I am a bad person” or “I am completely worthless.” This can escalate into extreme loneliness, depression, anxiety, and poor body image.

Physical Health Issues: Fat shaming, in particular, is rampant in our society as obesity is associated with being lazy, unattractive, and lacking the willpower to lose weight. In one study, over 70% of adolescents reported being bullied about their weight in the past few years. This can be harmful to your physical as well as psychological health.

Rather than being a motivating factor for losing weight, fat shaming has the opposite effect. The stress has been linked to a reduction in physical activity and the consumption of more calories.

Don’t body shame others

Research shows that when you promote body positivity to others, you also feel more positively about your body. Surround yourself with people who are courteous and treat others with respect. Avoid bullies who engage in body shaming and talk about the flaws of others.

Establish boundaries with your friends and clarify that you will not tolerate comments about your body or weight. You can also set an example by standing up for others who are the targets of body shaming.

So, let’s work together to stop body shaming and talk about more interesting things. The truth is, we all body shame one another. We are sometimes the villains and sometimes the victims. And the society has made it very normal. If we genuinely believe that every one of us is created by our Lord, none of us chooses how we look in most cases, and none of us knows how we will look tomorrow (life happens… story for another day), then we should stop body shaming. It starts with you and I. 

Were you ever body-shamed? Please share with us how you felt, how it affected you, and what you did to overcome it.

Aisha Musa Auyo is a Doctorate researcher in Educational Psychology. A wife, a mother, a homemaker, caterer, parenting, and relationship coach. She can be reached via aishamuauyo@live.co.uk.

By Aisha Musa Auyo

As a wife, your confidence can wither away if you continue to live your life only through the eyes of what your husband thinks of you. Yes, you have read that correctly.

Naturally, you want his approval, attention, praise, and appreciation for all that you do. From taking care of the home front to always being on top of the kid’s school projects and progress to making delicious dishes, entertaining guests, and remembering the family schedule of events, the list is endless!

But he is another human being preoccupied with his thoughts, goals, and ideas and isn’t always tuned in to what you are doing.

While I believe it’s important for a husband and wife to consistently express their appreciation, love, or admiration for each other, the REALITY is that life happens. When it does, those things don’t always come as regularly as you would all like.

As much as it is natural for women to need and want genuine compliments that uplift and celebrate their unique qualities, men are naturally reserved when it comes to expressing their thoughts and feelings. So, please don’t hurt yourself waiting for his verbal validation.

Here are a few things you should do:

Surround yourself with purpose and meaning: When you surround yourself with purpose, you prioritise the things that truly matter to you. Filling your physical space with meaning can create a sense of harmony and inspire your daily interactions. Consider incorporating books, phrases, artwork, or websites that hold significance to you. They can serve as constant reminders of your values and goals, grounding you and igniting your passion to pursue a meaningful life.

Moreover, seeking activities and endeavours that resonate with your purpose can bring immense fulfilment. Whether it’s volunteering for a cause close to your heart, pursuing a career that aligns with your passions, or dedicating time to personal growth and self-reflection, these intentional choices infuse your life with purposeful actions and contribute to your overall sense of fulfilment.

Remember, surrounding yourself with purpose and meaning is not a one-time endeavour but an ongoing process of introspection, evaluation, and intentional decision-making. It entails regularly reviewing and adjusting your surroundings to ensure they continue to inspire and support your journey.

So, take the initiative to curate a life that reflects your values, passions, and aspirations. Embrace the power of purposeful surroundings, and let them guide you towards a more fulfilling and meaningful existence.

Spend time with people who understand you and are motivated by your ideas and vision, and vice versa. Make a conscious effort to be surrounded by people who inspire you, support your growth, and share your vision. These relationships become the foundation for collaboration, encouragement, and personal development.

Give in “whatever” capacity you can to your dreams and aspirations that go beyond the walls of your home. The capacity will vary from family stage (beginners with small kids to middle-aged families with grown kids) to family educational background, religion, and financial stability.

Fingers are not equal, so be true to your situation while still not compromising your dreams and aspirations.

Make du’a and speak to Allah often the ideas in your heart. Praying and talking to Allah regularly is very important for deep Spiritual Connection, which allows you to strengthen your faith and feel His presence in your life.

He will provide you with guidance, clarity, and wisdom when you’re faced with important decisions and or challenges.

When speaking to Allah, make it a point of expressing gratitude. Be grateful for His endless blessings, and seek forgiveness for your sins and mistakes.

Sharing your thoughts and feelings with Allah offers relief and support during difficult times. It encourages self-reflection and a sense of purpose in life.

Overall, praying and speaking to Allah helps you maintain a strong connection with your faith, find guidance, and nurture a sense of peace and well-being.

Develop a sense of contentment. Like anyone else, a wife should develop a sense of contentment as it promotes mental and emotional well-being. Contentment helps you find happiness and satisfaction, reduces stress and anxiety, and fosters a positive outlook.

It also leads to healthier relationships and a greater sense of fulfilment, allowing you to navigate life’s challenges with resilience and peace.

Dear wife, resist the idea that your husband “completes” you, and therefore, you are always in need of him completing you while you wait for him to take notice of the intricacies of your world.

You are whole.

Aisha Musa Auyo is a Doctorate researcher in Educational Psychology. A wife, a mother, a homemaker, caterer, parenting, and relationship coach. She can be reached via aishamuauyo@live.co.uk.

By Aisha M Auyo

Rider: “In the intricate tapestry of marriage, love is but one thread”.

Marriage is not just the union of people who are genuinely in love with each other. It requires a whole lot of other factors to keep it going. I can confidently tell you a marriage can exist without love if the other factors exist. Our grandparents and generations before them have done it, and the divorce rate was very low compared with ours. Their marital relationship is stronger than ours, which capitalises on love.

Theirs is a relationship built on patience, understanding, selflessness, respect, belief in qadr, devotion, and peace. Not on lust. Not on love. Not on desire. Not on physical look. Not on avarice. It is almost the total opposite of marriage nowadays.

A strong marriage is determined by the sacrifices and struggles a husband and wife go through and their ability to stay strong and be patient with each other. There is no marriage without problems, issues, or tests. Even in the noble house of our Rasool, SAW, they had issues. From small ones that involve petty actions fuelled by jealousy within the wives to bigger problems that involve an accusation of adultery levied against Aisha, RA, also known as the “event of Ifk“, which can be traced to Surah An-Nur.

Couples should try not to give up when undergoing tests, DIVINE TESTS such as poverty, infertility, illness, polygamy, etc. Please understand that I am not saying we should condone HUMAN MADE CHALLENGES such as bad character, SERIAL infidelity (there may be exceptional cases of being victims or moments of weakness which should not be more than once), abuse of any kind, (mental, verbal, physical, or emotional), etc. We should be able to explore the fine line between Allah’s tests and man-made issues.

Allah says in the Qur’an, “We will test you with something of fear, and hunger and loss of wealth, and souls and vegetation. And give glad tidings to those who have patience. Those who, if in any difficulty or trial, or tribulation occurs to them or happens to them, they say: ‘Verily we are from Allah and to Allah we return.’ They are those who will receive prayers from their Lord and Mercy, and it is those who are guided.” Al baqarah.

The missed nuances in Northern Nigerian marriage customs, emphasising materialism over the essential attributes of lasting matrimony, have contributed immensely to the high divorce rate in our community. Parents neglect the core aspects of marriage and pay more attention to the superficial and materialistic aspects. Instead of counselling their kids on how to live with each other, the groom side will be busy making plans on ‘Kayan life‘ and ‘gida na gani na fada’. The bride side will be busy buying expensive furniture and ‘gara’, ‘kada a raina mu‘. The couples will be busy organising ‘Instagrammable’ wedding events that will trend for a week.

At least, the bride’s family does not joke with kayan mata and little Nasiha on ‘Yi, nayi, bari na bari’, ‘A yi haquri’. But on the groom’s side, no one says anything to him regarding how to live his life with the bride.

Then, after all the events, reality sets in. Expectations not met. The pretence energy is exhausted. Before you know it, ‘hide my ID’, parents’ intervention and divorce will happen. In less than five years, the marriage will be dissolved, with two or three innocent kids involved.

Many people would look at the marriages and successes of others and wish they were them, not knowing how much they struggled to get there or the sacrifices they made to succeed in their marriages.

In sum, I have delved into the enduring factors that fortify matrimonial bonds beyond love, drawing wisdom from the timeless legacy of our forebears. The essence of patience, understanding, selflessness, respect, belief in destiny, devotion, and peace is the age-old recipe for marital success. How strong unions are forged through trials and sacrifices. I hope this will guide parents and couples in nurturing resilient marriages by shedding light on the struggles behind seemingly idyllic unions.

May Allah make it easy for all those going through hardships in their marriages and protect us from such calamities, amin.

Always remember that, with divine guidance and patience, weathering marital storms can lead to stronger, more enduring love.

Aisha Musa Auyo is a Doctorate researcher in Educational Psychology. A wife, a mother, a homemaker, caterer, parenting, and relationship coach. She can be reached via aishamuauyo@live.co.uk.

By Abdurrazak Mukhtar

In a world often rushed by in a whirlwind of emotions and responsibilities, we easily find ourselves swept away by the tide of anger. We’ve all been there, haven’t we? That moment when anger boils up inside us, threatening to overflow. It’s a natural human emotion, but what we choose to do with it truly defines us. In this article, we’ll explore the profound impact of our words when spoken in anger and why choosing kindness or silence can be transformative.

Anger, like a sudden storm, can engulf us in its intensity. It’s a primal emotion, a response to perceived threats or injustices. Our minds can become clouded in moments of anger, and our tongues sharp as swords. We lash out, often without thinking, in an attempt to relieve the emotional pressure building within us.

Yet, we may not realise in those heated moments that while our anger may pass, the words we’ve unleashed can leave lasting scars. Words, once spoken, cannot be unsaid. They have the power to wound deeply, and those wounds can take years to heal if they ever do.

Think back to when someone said something hurtful to you in anger. Perhaps it was a friend, a family member, or a colleague. The memory of those words may still sting, even years later. This is the undeniable impact of words spoken in anger.

So, what can we do when anger rears its head? Here, the age-old wisdom comes into play: “Never say mean words out of anger.” Instead, we can choose the path of kindness. Kind words, even in the face of anger, can diffuse tension and promote understanding.

Choosing kindness doesn’t mean suppressing your feelings or letting others walk over you. It means expressing your emotions in a way that is respectful and constructive. It means taking a step back, breathing deeply, and finding words to lead to resolution rather than conflict.

Sometimes, the kindest words are the ones left unspoken. When anger threatens to consume us, silence can be a powerful ally. In silence, we give ourselves the space to cool down and gain perspective. We prevent ourselves from saying things we might regret later.

Silence, when used wisely, can also send a powerful message. It can convey that we value the relationship and are willing to wait for the right moment to address the issue. It can create an opening for dialogue once emotions have settled.

In a world where anger is often the default response to frustration and conflict, choosing to use kind words or be silent is profound. It’s a choice that can shape our relationships, define our character, and leave a legacy of empathy and understanding.

So, the next time anger knocks at your door, remember the enduring impact of your words. Choose kindness whenever possible, and when words fail you, let the grace of silence be your guide. In doing so, you’ll tame the storm of anger within and foster a world where kindness prevails over cruelty.

Abdurrazak Mukhtar wrote via prof4true1@gmail.com.

By Aisha M. Auyo

In my last article, I wrote about how verbal appreciation affects marriage. In this episode, I will discuss how our words have the power to build or break our marriages. Words are not just for communication; they are for construction and destruction.

We are builders when we use our words wisely. With our words, we are creating a marriage that matters, a union that makes it through the good and bad, through thick and thin.

Here are a few things that you can build with your words in marriage

1. Intimacy

Intimacy is not just something physical. Share your heart with your spouse. Cultivating a marriage with meaningful communication will build deeper intimacy. 

Words move two hearts closer together and unite them as one. 

Dear wife, be patient with your husband – we all know men generally don’t talk as much… They are people of action.

Allah didn’t create marriage to be boring! Have fun for His sakes! From sending a naughty text during the day, a random phone call with words that will make your spouse want to finish whatever they are doing and come home to using words that will build anticipation.

Simple sentences like “I made your favourite dish” or “I’ll come home with your favourite smoothie” can do the trick. It is not the entity that matters. It’s about knowing that your Significant Other has thought about you and even tried to do what pleases you.

When you are together, set aside time for just the two of you to talk. Be intentional and selective with your words. Flirt with one another.

2. Build encouragement

Wives, one of the best things YOU can do for your relationship is to be an encourager. Encouragement can come naturally through sincere daily prayers. Through voicing delight in whatever is done or given to you, through words of gratitude. This will make him want to do more.

Men, women are highly receptive to words. Simple sentences could fuel her attitude for years. The phrase “Allah yai miki albarka” (We want this very badly), or “We can’t do without you”, is all she needs to hear to be her very best.

3. Build confidence

Life is hard, full of tough and sobering reminders that we live in a broken world. So, use your words to encourage and build hope in your spouse. 

Tell them you believe in them and trust their ability to excel. In a world full of competition, envy, and self-doubt, be the number one person who believes your spouse, uplift them, and make them trust themselves. From writing exams, presentations, business ideas, etc. Instil the seed of belief and confidence in them.

Men, please encourage your wife and boost her confidence in her looks and dreams. We need this like oxygen. With your support and trust, we can be the best version of ourselves.

Women, showing doubt in your man’s ability or dreams will kill his ego. His zeal to work hard, his zeal to excel. If there’s one thing that keeps men alive more than oxygen, it should be a massaged ego.

4. Heal

Words heal broken people, sick people, tired people, people who lost loved ones, even people in coma! I’m sure you’ve watched a movie where friends or families of a person in life support talk and say good things to them, and with time, the person in a coma comes back to life. This works not only in movies but also in real life. 

Soothing words for a broken person can help their physical and mental recovery immensely. Hearing someone say that they care about you, believe in your ability to heal, or that life will get better is often enough to improve someone’s mood in their lows.

Life-changing events, sickness, ailment, etc., can affect one spouse or the other. Be the person who brings harmony and healing to your spouse through words. Make it a point to say something positive to your significant other, even once a day.

However, let us always remember that our words can cripple, destroy and disrupt as much as they can build and construct. Verbal abuse is as powerful and destructive as physical abuse. It’s not every time we say what we feel. Most times (Not always woo), silence is better than some utterances. 

Avoid any word that will bring negativity, fear, or discouragement to your spouse. Never threaten or demean your spouse. If an issue needs to be resolved, choose your words wisely.

Know that words, once spoken out, can never be taken aback. The words ‘I’m sorry’, ‘I don’t mean it,’ and ‘it was a joke’ can never undo what you said. Some words create wounds that apology will never heal.

Aisha Musa Auyo is a Doctorate researcher in Educational Psychology, a wife, a mother of three, a homemaker, a caterer and a parenting/ relationship coach.

By Muhammad Ubale Kiru

In today’s digital age, it’s undeniable that sharing every aspect of our lives on social media statuses has become the norm. From announcing joyous occasions like the birth of a child to celebrating birthdays and achievements, we’ve come to believe that posting on our statuses is the ultimate expression of love and support.

But let’s take a step back and consider: Is our affection, loyalty, or friendship genuinely defined by what we post online? Do we measure the depth of our feelings by the number of reposts and likes?

For instance, when a dear friend welcomes a new bundle of joy, do we really need to rush to post it on our status to show our happiness? Should we assume jealousy or indifference if we don’t? Or when someone celebrates a birthday, must we repost it to prove our love?

The truth is that authentic connections thrive beyond the digital realm. True love, genuine friendships, and sincere empathy are expressed in actions, in the support provided when no one is watching, and in the real moments we share.

Let’s resist the notion that it’s not genuine if it’s not on our status. Authenticity is found in the personal gestures that come from the heart, not the public displays.

Next time you feel pressured to post every emotion or occasion, remember that your feelings are far more meaningful than what appears on your screen. Let’s focus on nurturing our connections beyond the virtual world.

Actions speak louder than status updates and true love and friendship are felt, not just seen.

By Aisha Musa Auyo

A beautiful marriage comprises couples who see and know how to appreciate one another by verbalising their positive estimation of each other. Some couples don’t just internalise their appreciation of each other’s beauty but voice it out. 

Men, when you see your wife as she is dressing up, don’t keep quiet; it’s an opportunity to tell her how beautiful she looks, for you are her mirror. I started with men because they are the gender that is very stingy with words. It’s the same gender that was telling you how beautiful you were before marriage. Now they became mute; I wonder what happened.  

Men, you are the only ones who see the fabulous underwear your spouse is wearing, which others will never have an opportunity to see or compliment. If she does not have undies worth complimenting, get her one! Who is more qualified to tell a woman she is beautiful than her husband?

It is very encouraging for a spouse to know that their partner appreciates how they look and still thinks of them as handsome or beautiful, not minding the number of years they have been together as a couple. It does not matter how old you are or how long you have been married. Simple appreciation, no matter the form, is a beautiful way of adding colour to your marriage. The food is delicious, the home smells nice, the bathroom looks spotless, this hairstyle looks great on you, etc., will cost you nothing but earn you a lot.

As much as men enjoy verbal appreciation, they also crave respect and admiration. Admiration for their hard work, masculinity, sacrifices, and admiration for their ideals, deeds, and wins.

When a spouse knows they are highly appreciated or valued, the one who receives the love will always have an urge or a longing to give back what they have received. So it’s a win-win.

Even if you have been giving and not receiving compliments, don’t despair. You will agree that giving of appreciation has a package attached to it: the joy of giving. A gift which lightens your heart and sends waves of fulfilment to you whenever you show gratitude. It’s a win-win situation.

Remember, your spouse is an opportunity to show love, kindness and gratitude; the best expression of meekness and humility and, above all, the best person after God to lavish all the praise you can fathom.

Aisha Musa Auyo is a Doctorate researcher in Educational Psychology, a wife, a mother of three, a homemaker, a caterer and a parenting/ relationship coach.

By Anas Tukur Balarabe

Even a child knows that life isn’t all beer and skittles. They just can’t figure out why. However, as an adult with developed faculties, you can make sense of whatever challenges life throws you. Our ability to observe, interpret and infer sets us apart from other animals. Each time we encounter a hurdle, we are presented with two choices.

The first is to muster the courage, jump over the hurdle, and gain an additional survival skill if we succeed or crash into it and taste the sweetness of intrepidity and the bitterness of failure. Either way, you have succeeded because you can only win or lose when you dare the odds. The second choice is to run away and save your energy and time.

The danger of this choice is that it renders you ill-equipped to travel through the murky waters of life. It is common knowledge that life and challenges are inextricably connected. Now and then, we face trials to learn some valuable as we progress.  While solutions to certain challenges are apparent, some (challenges) appear inescapable to those who haven’t gone through the rigours of life. Still, people bashed by life can see escape hatches even if there appear to be none.

When a challenge thrusts, individuals who adopt running away from life-lesson opportunities as the only viable survival strategy will have zero entries in their survival manuals– and the result will always be confusion, fear, capitulation, then humiliation. He who fights and runs away lives to fight another day, as opined by Oliver Goldsmith, might come across as a clever survival tactic; however, running away from a problem doesn’t necessarily mean escaping it. The problem you run away from today can mutate or evolve and confront you tomorrow when you are less prepared to face it.

Intrinsically, we prefer smooth sailing in our undertakings, but as a fair teacher, life has taught us that challenges are the rung on the ladder to success. The more you overcome, the further you climb. Babies crawl, walk and eventually begin to run. They fail, succeed, and learn many lessons from one milestone to another. However unpleasant they may seem, challenges are our surefire of accomplishing our goals in life.

Only those who dare the odds win medals and earn promotions in the military and other professions. A soldier will never be given a medal for desertion or mutiny but for bravery and courage. While being courageous, however, your sense of judgement and sense of proportion must be your guardrail. You must understand why an elephant is too big a prey for an anaconda. You must know the reason why orcas, despite their hostility, would never attempt to wreck an ocean liner.

To put it succinctly, this is by no means an encouragement for one to be reckless in their pursuits but a sincere reminder that whatever you set out to achieve, you must pursue it vigorously while keeping in mind that you could be ambushed by [a] challenge(s) on your way to the finish line. Whenever life presents you with a challenge, you either buckle up and exploit it or be exploited by it.

Anas Tukur Balarabe is a PhD candidate at the University of Portsmouth. He can be contacted via atnbalarabe@gmail.com.

By Aisha Musa Auyo

One thing everyone wishes for and works towards is to succeed in life. From infancy to adulthood, up to old age, we aim to succeed in every part of our lives. But what we fail to do is also to prepare ourselves for failure. Yes, because it’s inevitable. 

One of the pillars of the Islamic faith is the belief in qadr (divine will and decree), good or bad. This means that good and bad will surely ensue in life, success and otherwise. It’s how life is designed. But why do we do nothing or very little in preparing ourselves and our wards for failure? Why are we shielding ourselves and wards from the reality of life? 

This may be why people cheat, as they cannot afford to fail. They just have to win at all costs. Others commit suicide. Some go on drugs because they have been unable in certain expectations or tasks.

So as parents and teachers or elders, we need to let ourselves and our wards know that failure, not consistently winning, or not being at the top is okay. It is acceptable, and life does not end there. We can always try later and do better. 

Let’s show our wards and significant others they can trust us to be there for them whenever they fail. Just as they will want to come to us with success stories, they should be free to do that with failure stories. This is what unconditional support is all about. We should be a shoulder to cry on. 

We should also, as parents, accept that we sometimes fail and let our kids see how we feel and how we are going about it. The norm is to show the kids that we are always succeeding and doing great, just so they can be inspired, but we are not helping them by doing so. 

In summary, these are the points I want us to reflect on and ponder. 

1. Prepare your child for failure. We will always have good and bad days. Let them know they cannot always win, and it’s okay.

2. Let us always put in the back of our minds and theirs that “Over every possessor of knowledge is one [more] knowing”. Qur’an 12:76 

Regardless of one’s intelligence, hard work, and luck, we will surely meet others who are better than us. Let us know that we are better than others too.

3. Failure is a learning process to know what to do and what to avoid in the future. If one fails in a certain task, one may succeed in another task.

4. We should learn to compete with ourselves, not others. Set a target for yourself, and work towards achieving it.

5. Life doesn’t end or begin with school grades, work promotions, or huge profits. There’s more to life than these.

6. Good relationships, emotional intelligence, compassion, contentment, and adaptability guarantee success in every life situation.

8. It’s lonely up there: If you cheat your way up or compete to be better than everyone else, people will leave you with your success. No one wants to be with someone who always wants to be on the top by hook or crook. Cheating often backfires. And if it doesn’t, the people who made it to the top by defrauding others end up very lonely and have no genuine person to share the success with. 

9. Healthy competition is okay. Being motivated by other people’s success stories is okay, but we should not cheat or compete. We are made differently.

10. Avoid social media attention or fame: The pursuit of likes, followers, and validation has led to detrimental effects on mental health, values, and overall well-being. The obsession with social media fame has resulted in a culture of superficiality, narcissism, and moral erosion, hindering the progress and development of society as a whole.

Parents and teachers must take responsibility and invest in youth development, focusing on their holistic growth, character development, and real-world contributions. By doing so, we can create a future where youth can realise their full potential and social media platforms can be used for positive change rather than as a means of self-promotion and validation.

11. School, parental, and peer pressure

School positions are not necessary; Those numbers instil unhealthy competition among students. Instead of children competing against themselves, they are pushed to compete with each other. 

A student should be encouraged to push himself harder to get better grades, not in comparison with another student. Teachers should do as much as possible to adopt learner-centred teaching so that each student receives the attention they crave.

Parents should learn to accept their children when they fail. We should know our capabilities and not push ourselves and our wards to be what we can’t be. I know it’s hard to accept defeat or reward failure, but that is the moment when self-love and support are needed most. If we know we did our best, we should not be disappointed. 

Parents should stop comparing siblings. Each child has his/her unique quality. A child lacking intellectual intelligence may score higher in emotional or social intelligence. Let’s focus on our highs instead of our lows.

When the storm is over, parents or guardians can discuss with the kids how to do better, with a reward or promise that will make the kid want to do better. We elders must learn to discourage cheating and encourage integrity and self-acceptance.

Aisha Musa Auyo is a Doctorate researcher in Educational Psychology, a wife, a mother of three, a Home Maker, a caterer and a parenting/ relationship coach.