Marital life

To wash, or not to wash: that is the question

‘Whether it is nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous’ servitude,

or to take a stand against a sea of troubles, mediocrity and ‘by opposing, end them?’

Since washing the husband’s clothes has found its way to the topmost topic worthy of discussion amidst many other issues ravaging our dear region, let’s talk about it then. We are unserious, first of all, I must admit. After wasting time and energy on such trivial topics, I wonder how we still expect an actual transformation to occur. How is that possible?

By the way, washing the husband’s clothes is not a crime; it fetches rewards from Allah and love from (some) husbands. If you want to be a diligent wife and conquer his heart by washing his clothes, please do, as there’s no user guide to a successful marriage. Just do what works for you. But remember, no good husband will wish slavery and suffering upon his wife. If he/she has the means to make life easier for you and they are not doing that, then dear, you are probably with the wrong partner.

Who are you married to? A lover or a husband?

Yes, because it’s about time we differentiate between the two. But I was married to both in one person, so to say that I washed his clothes out of love shouldn’t be surprising. We were newly married then. I was young (and not naive, thanks), energetic, and most of all, wanted to prove the ‘I am a good wife’ point. We both were pursuing our masters in India, so whenever he had classes and I didn’t, I would wash and iron his clothes before he returned. I love to see him appreciate me. That ‘Allah ya yi miki albarka‘ meant a lot to me, and I would do anything to get those blessings.

So while I was washing, he would try to dissuade me. Other times he would join when he was around, and because I wouldn’t stop, he searched, found and patronised dry cleaners in the neighbourhood until we got our washing machine. So, whether or not to do these little things is absolutely perspectival. I washed not just his clothes but those soiled with poop and vomit (when he was sick). It doesn’t make me feel lesser, and I would do that again if necessary because if I don’t, who will? I did it diligently, with enthusiasm and so much pride.

Moreover, that made us happier; it fetched me lots of love and admiration and earned me a good repute. As such, he washed mine and the kids’ too. We were abroad without any other relative, so whenever I put to bed, he’d be fully in charge of the laundry – and other domestic chores. What is love and compassion in marriage for?

I have seen similar arguments about cooking as well. So if you say women shouldn’t care for or serve their husbands in these little ways, how else should they do it if he is not rich enough to afford such services? Just how?

I am not saying being a slave is the only way to a man’s heart; instead, I want to rebuke the adamant claims that rule out the possibility of making these little gestures. If care is not taken, someday, women will argue about whether to have intercourse with their husbands. Hello!

It saddens me every time I see women following a so-called ideology trashing the institution of marriage – in the guise of ‘woke-ness’, for we may escape the traps of their unwavering criticisms, but what about our kids? The louder their voices, the more sceptical the next generation would be about marriage. Many youths are now feeling pessimistic about the whole idea of marriage – thanks to influencers and bloggers. Remember, if we continue to applaud life without marriage, we will watch our societies relapse into lethargic savagery.

I am not saying being a slave is the only thing about marriage; no, there’s a lot more. But please, let’s engage in marital discourses more positively and always keep in mind that the younger generation is watching. Marry, wash or cook if you want to, and if you don’t want to, just shut up! We shouldn’t be accomplices to the tacit agenda infesting our region.

Please do not misconstrue my opinion. Being servitude isn’t the key to every man’s heart. It depends on the man and the circumstances. Also, washing his clothes (among other courtesies) wouldn’t keep him, if you like wash his clothes and all of his village people’s, he will replace you in a snap if he wants to. No amount of endurance, sacrifice, compassion and diligence would guarantee that you have won him, my dear; only a man that wants to be kept can be kept.

So, as you put all your efforts into building your home, do everything for Allah’s sake to earn His pleasure only because man is naturally dynamic. Wash if you want to, I reiterate, but remember, it’s not your religious duty as a wife. However, you may do it for the fun of it. Be a bloody Samaritan. It’s fun! What is love without compassion and foolishness? Although my ‘breakfast’ was just recently served, I choose to say objectively: Marriage is sacred and an achievement, take it or leave it!

Yours humbly,

Dr Sadiya Abubakar

By Khadijah Tijani

There are many untold stories of Muslim women who are dissatisfied in their marriages due to sexual starvation. But unfortunately, people are not ready for the conversation. Many reasons are responsible for the apathy towards this problem.

Here are some of my thoughts:

Most women are “expected” to have a lower libido than men. However, experience has shown that many women have a high libido but often find ways to actively suppress their unattended desires. People think it’s a rare thing, but really, it’s more common than you think.

They are “expected” to accept whatever their husbands throw at them without complaining. But, since polygamy is not for women and divorce is not easy to get, they endure the sexual incongruity and bottle in the heightened emotions.

They are “expected” to focus on their children and care less about their sexual urges. However, in reality, some women begin to understand their sexuality only after reaching full maturity (age 35 and above). For some, this may happen after birthing all their children! They become more self-aware and assertive enough to demand sex. In fact, some women don’t stop wanting sex even after menopause! Conversely, men tend to become less sexually active in their late 30s and 40s. They’re more likely to be physically and emotionally absent from home due to work, business or further studies. For some men, even if they’re present, chronic medical conditions may have set in, putting them at risk of erectile dysfunction and lower sex drive.

They decide not to complain because no one will listen anyway. 8 out of 10 women would rather not speak against sexual dissatisfaction because of these high expectations. If they ever summon the courage to speak, they are often shushed by families, friends and religious clerics. Many don’t have access to professional help or the money to pay for such services.

In a survey I conducted among a small group of married Muslim women last year, I found out that 40% of them have difficulty achieving sexual satisfaction. This could be due to an inability to reach orgasm (a real psychosexual disorder) or enjoy regular, satisfying intimacy with their husbands. A larger percentage of these women cannot express their dissatisfaction for the reasons I have mentioned above.

The first solution to this problem is for men to normalize taking feedback from their wives. Don’t assume that you’re done because YOU are done. You don’t even need to ask if she’s satisfied; you only need to look at her face and feel her body language. A well-bedded woman will keep smiling at you for the rest of that day, if not longer. She will show other verbal and nonverbal cues to endorse that you have done a good job.

You need to acknowledge and validate her feedback to show that you care.

“I can see that you are smiling all the way. So that’s a good sign, right?”

Or,

“You’re not smiling. What’s wrong?”

“You know I’ve been under too much stress lately. Please give me some time to rest. I’ll make it up with you very soon.”

These validations will reassure her of your interest in satisfying her and encourage her to open up and communicate her needs.

If there’s an unsettled problem, feel free to talk about it. Avoid sweeping issues under the carpet and using sexual starvation to punish your wife. It works sometimes, but it can also be counterproductive at other times. She may begin to doubt herself and second-guess her choice of marrying you. This may negatively impact her mood and self-esteem.

And if you’re one of those who joke about the importance of sex and intimacy in marriage (“is sex a food?” Really?!), remember that the lady can get everything she needs without marrying you; let’s face it. She left her father’s house just for sex and procreation!

Also, remember that shaitan is always lurking around to identify loopholes to invade your marriage. A dissatisfied wife is one of such loopholes. She might begin to hear whisperings on how to satisfy her needs through haram ways. She may start cheating subtly, looking for means to unleash the pressure and engaging in unwholesome activities to douse the tension. We seek Allāh’s refuge against such.

In conclusion, I implore men to study their wife’s sexual needs and try to satisfy them as much as possible. Communicate freely and assist each other to achieve happiness through halal intimacy. Seek professional advice and therapy if possible. Do not shame your spouse for wanting a little bit more than usual. What makes your marriage what it is, if not the permission for intimacy?

Khadijah Tijani is a medical doctor. She writes from London, Ontario and can be reached through askodoctorkt@gmail.com or @AskDoctorKT.