To wash, or not to wash: that is the question
‘Whether it is nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous’ servitude,
or to take a stand against a sea of troubles, mediocrity and ‘by opposing, end them?’
Since washing the husband’s clothes has found its way to the topmost topic worthy of discussion amidst many other issues ravaging our dear region, let’s talk about it then. We are unserious, first of all, I must admit. After wasting time and energy on such trivial topics, I wonder how we still expect an actual transformation to occur. How is that possible?
By the way, washing the husband’s clothes is not a crime; it fetches rewards from Allah and love from (some) husbands. If you want to be a diligent wife and conquer his heart by washing his clothes, please do, as there’s no user guide to a successful marriage. Just do what works for you. But remember, no good husband will wish slavery and suffering upon his wife. If he/she has the means to make life easier for you and they are not doing that, then dear, you are probably with the wrong partner.
Who are you married to? A lover or a husband?
Yes, because it’s about time we differentiate between the two. But I was married to both in one person, so to say that I washed his clothes out of love shouldn’t be surprising. We were newly married then. I was young (and not naive, thanks), energetic, and most of all, wanted to prove the ‘I am a good wife’ point. We both were pursuing our masters in India, so whenever he had classes and I didn’t, I would wash and iron his clothes before he returned. I love to see him appreciate me. That ‘Allah ya yi miki albarka‘ meant a lot to me, and I would do anything to get those blessings.
So while I was washing, he would try to dissuade me. Other times he would join when he was around, and because I wouldn’t stop, he searched, found and patronised dry cleaners in the neighbourhood until we got our washing machine. So, whether or not to do these little things is absolutely perspectival. I washed not just his clothes but those soiled with poop and vomit (when he was sick). It doesn’t make me feel lesser, and I would do that again if necessary because if I don’t, who will? I did it diligently, with enthusiasm and so much pride.
Moreover, that made us happier; it fetched me lots of love and admiration and earned me a good repute. As such, he washed mine and the kids’ too. We were abroad without any other relative, so whenever I put to bed, he’d be fully in charge of the laundry – and other domestic chores. What is love and compassion in marriage for?
I have seen similar arguments about cooking as well. So if you say women shouldn’t care for or serve their husbands in these little ways, how else should they do it if he is not rich enough to afford such services? Just how?
I am not saying being a slave is the only way to a man’s heart; instead, I want to rebuke the adamant claims that rule out the possibility of making these little gestures. If care is not taken, someday, women will argue about whether to have intercourse with their husbands. Hello!
It saddens me every time I see women following a so-called ideology trashing the institution of marriage – in the guise of ‘woke-ness’, for we may escape the traps of their unwavering criticisms, but what about our kids? The louder their voices, the more sceptical the next generation would be about marriage. Many youths are now feeling pessimistic about the whole idea of marriage – thanks to influencers and bloggers. Remember, if we continue to applaud life without marriage, we will watch our societies relapse into lethargic savagery.
I am not saying being a slave is the only thing about marriage; no, there’s a lot more. But please, let’s engage in marital discourses more positively and always keep in mind that the younger generation is watching. Marry, wash or cook if you want to, and if you don’t want to, just shut up! We shouldn’t be accomplices to the tacit agenda infesting our region.
Please do not misconstrue my opinion. Being servitude isn’t the key to every man’s heart. It depends on the man and the circumstances. Also, washing his clothes (among other courtesies) wouldn’t keep him, if you like wash his clothes and all of his village people’s, he will replace you in a snap if he wants to. No amount of endurance, sacrifice, compassion and diligence would guarantee that you have won him, my dear; only a man that wants to be kept can be kept.
So, as you put all your efforts into building your home, do everything for Allah’s sake to earn His pleasure only because man is naturally dynamic. Wash if you want to, I reiterate, but remember, it’s not your religious duty as a wife. However, you may do it for the fun of it. Be a bloody Samaritan. It’s fun! What is love without compassion and foolishness? Although my ‘breakfast’ was just recently served, I choose to say objectively: Marriage is sacred and an achievement, take it or leave it!
Yours humbly,
Dr Sadiya Abubakar