Kids

By Maimuna Katuka Aliyu

I find it difficult to believe that the majority of those reading this piece right now do not know what bullying is all about. Bullying, as a matter of fact, is a common phenomenon among us now. Being bullied is both heartbreaking and miserable for those targeted.

But many adults, unless they too have been bullied, have a hard time understanding just how much kids can suffer from being bullied. They fail to realize that the consequences of bullying are significant and can have a lasting impact on one’s mental and physical health.

According to the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development (NICHD), bullying has a lifelong impact on the social and emotional development of children, which puts them at risk for everything, from severe mental health issues to stunted professional growth later in life.
Bullying is the use of force, coercion, hurtful teasing or threat to abuse to aggressively dominate or intimidate an individual. The behaviour is often repeated and habitual.

In Nigeria, this mostly occurs in boarding schools among seniors who take advantage of their timid and weak juniors, thereby forcing them to do their bidding, such as washing clothes and assignments, cleaning their rooms, collecting their food, and punishing and beating them as they wish.

According to NICHD, children who are involved in bullying experiences (on either side of the situation) are at an increased risk of developing issues in both mental and physical health aspects. Bullying can have physical, social and emotional effects, too.

The physical effects of bullying include:
– Stress response
– Headaches
– Muscle pain
– Digestive upset
– Weight changes, etc.

Those who are bullied are at increased risk for mental health problems such as:
– Depression and anxiety
– Low self-esteem and personal drive
– Trouble focusing and falling grades
– Behavioral problems
– Social and relationship issues
– Substance abuse later in life
– Dropping out of school
– Self-harming behaviours, etc.

Bullying can also affect other children who witness the acts, even if they aren’t directly involved. While it may seem obvious that those who are bullied have a higher risk of developing developmental issues, what’s less obvious is that bullying also affects the on-lookers.

Bullying brings negative effects to everyone who witnesses the act by way of creating what feels like an unsafe environment. It can make children feel as though they are helpless, planting a deep seed of insecurity and disdain for their classroom (and classmates) as a whole.

It also makes kids feel as though they can’t be protected by those they trust (teachers, aides, parents, etc.), which can lead to withdrawal and a failure to thrive. Research shows that bullying and harassment can cause adult symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

In fact, one study examining mental health in college students found experiencing bullying to be the strongest predictor of developing PTSD symptoms.

Oftentimes, it is withdrawal that is the first and most obvious sign that bullying is taking place, apart from actually seeing the incident in person.

Over time, if the bullying continues, those who witness it will likely begin to show other signs such as attention issues, fear of participating in normal activities, acting out or other behavioural problems such as vandalism or destroying toys or objects. Because kids rarely tell an adult when they experience bullying, it’s important that parents, teachers, and other caregivers are aware of the warning signs.

For instance, kids may hint that they are being bullied by saying there is drama at school, that kids are messing with them, or that they have no friends. These are all signs that they are experiencing bullying. If your kids confess to being a target, tell them you are proud of them for having the courage to talk about it.

This reinforces that you value having an open dialogue about issues they’re facing. It’s also important that you believe what your kids tell you and that you make a commitment to work with them to find solutions. While it can be difficult, try to keep your emotions in check. Instead, remain calm and work with your child to make a plan.

When kids feel as if they have options, they are less likely to be overwhelmed with negative feelings. In addition, efforts to advocate on behalf of victims will not be effective unless people truly comprehend how painful and traumatic bullying can be.

Kids who are regularly targeted by bullies often suffer both emotionally and socially. Not only do they find it hard to make friends, but they also struggle to maintain healthy friendships. Part of this struggle is directly related to low self-esteem.

A lack of self-esteem is a direct result of the mean and hurtful things that other kids say about them. When kids are continuously called “fat” or “losers,” they begin to believe these things are true. Many times, kids feel like they need to accept occasional bullying in order to belong. As a result, they will succumb to peer pressure and accept bullying as a way to maintain their social standing.

Kids who are victimized often yearn for acceptance from the very people who are bullying them. In order to remain part of the group, they may tolerate fake friendships and mean behaviour, especially if the person bullying them has a higher social standing than they do.

In fact, research shows that 50% of students between the ages of 12 and 18 who have been bullied report that the bully had more social influence. In addition, 31% indicated that they had more money. Bullying victims also tend to experience a wide range of emotions. They may feel angry, bitter, vulnerable, helpless, frustrated, lonely, and isolated from their peers.

Consequently, they may skip classes and resort to drugs and alcohol to numb their pain. If bullying is ongoing, they may develop depression and even contemplate suicide. Aside from the bumps and bruises that occur during physical bullying, there are additional physical costs. For instance, bullied kids often experience anxiety. This stress on their bodies also will result in a variety of health issues, including being sick more often and suffering from ulcers and other conditions caused by persistent anxiety.

Bullied kids also may complain of stomachaches and headaches. The bullying they experience may aggravate other pre-existing conditions like eczema. Skin conditions, stomach issues, and heart conditions that are aggravated by stress all worsen when a child is being bullied.

Kids who are bullied often suffer academically, too. Bullied kids struggle to focus on their schoolwork. In fact, slipping grades is one of the first signs that a child is being bullied. Kids also may be so preoccupied by bullying that they forget about assignments or have difficulty paying attention in class.

Additionally, bullied kids may skip school or classes in order to avoid being bullied. This practice results in falling grades. When grades begin to drop, this adds to the stress levels the bullied child is already experiencing. A study conducted by the University of Virginia showed that kids who attend a school with a severe climate of bullying often have lower scores on standardized tests.

When a child is bullied, it is not uncommon for the parents and siblings to also be affected. Parents often experience a wide range of consequences, including feeling powerless to fix the situation. They also may feel alone and isolated. And they may even become obsessed with the situation, often at the expense of their own health and well-being. It also is not uncommon for parents to feel a sense of failure when their child is bullied.

Not only do they feel like they failed to protect the child from bullying, but they also may question their parenting abilities. They may even worry that they somehow missed the signs of bullying or that they did not do enough to bully-proof their child along the way. The truth is that no one can predict who bullies will target.

Parents can do everything right and still find out that their child is being bullied. As a result, they should never feel responsible for the choices a bully makes. Instead, they should place the blame where it belongs and focus on helping their child heal from bullying.

Research shows that bullying has a lot of effects which last well into adulthood. In fact, one study found that the consequences of being bullied by peers may have a greater impact on mental health in adulthood than originally thought. Remember, the experiences that people have while they are children help mould them into the adults that they later become. So it is not surprising that the effects of bullying linger well into adulthood.

However, having a counsellor help your child with the recovery process may speed things along. If you were bullied as a child and are still experiencing the side effects, the first step toward recovery from childhood bullying is acknowledging what happened to you. Do not dismiss what happened to you or minimize the severity.

Be truthful with yourself about the pain you experienced. You also need to make healing a priority. Take time to take care of yourself and consider talking with a counsellor about your experience. A counsellor can help you make sense of your feelings and move past the negative experience of bullying. He also can help you reframe your thinking and reclaim control over your life.

While it may be painful to think about the bullying you experienced as a kid, if it is still impacting your everyday life and the way you view yourself, then it is best to face the issue head-on. Once you have come to terms with what you experienced and changed the way you view yourself and others, you will be on your way to recovery.

Conclusively, bullying prevention has been put in the spotlight in recent years and has gained momentum in educational facilities across most countries or worldly. Many schools and childcare providers now implement some variation of an anti-bullying policy, which has had a major impact on developing minds everywhere.

Most anti-bullying policies include tips such as keeping a watchful eye, utilizing activities that encourage kids to speak up about their experiences and keeping an open line of communication with youngsters to ensure they are comfortable with sharing any unwanted behaviours by others. It is time bullying in whatever form is stopped in Nigeria. One hopes that the government, school management and society at large will do something to tackle the vicious malaise.

Maimuna Katuka Aliyu is an executive intern with PRNigeria in Abuja, Nigeria.

By Aisha M Auyo

You are married to me, not the kids.”

“I was here before the kids.”

“I come first and not the kids.”

“Your primary duty is to me and not the kids.”

How often do wives/mothers hear the above statements? Very often, of course. And to many, it’s a shame that husbands or fathers compete with their kids to get the attention of the woman of the house? Is it really?

Well, one may say, “aren’t you lucky to have your husband and kids fight over you?” But no, that is far from being lucky. The woman in this context is thrown into a state of dilemma, confusion and psychological trauma.

Husbands should be able to save their wives from this heartache and trauma by being more considerate and appreciative of the wives-cum-mothers’ indispensable roles in the family.

The moment a child is born into the world, a mother’s duties commence. In the first days of its existence, an infant is more feeble and helpless than any other living creature. They are unable to minister to their own needs. But to meet this weakness and incapacity on the part of the infant, God has implanted in the mother’s heart a yearning affection for her offspring. No one can understand so well or ever so ready to meet the needs of a child as a mother.

Nevertheless, having said all these, let’s pause and ask ourselves, “is it appropriate for a mother to make her kids her first care in a bid to fulfilling her duties?’ No. Her whole time should not be spent attending to the kids’ needs at the expense of her husband’s. However, it is necessary that reasonable time should be spent so that the kids could have the comfort and happiness they deserve.

It is, therefore, imperative to stress that husbands SHOULD NOT be neglected; neither should they be substituted for their kids.

One of the purposes of marriage is companionship and a man is expected to find this in his wife. As the wife becomes overly involved with and attached to her kids, she falls short of fulfilling this purpose towards her husband.

When this happens, the man feels lonely and loses his best friend, who is supposed to be his wife. He then becomes vulnerable to outside temptations. Will you, therefore, blame a man for reacting to this?

When a woman places her kids above her husband, her action tells him that she loves the kids more than him. This should not be so. Instead, make your husband feel important and know how much you value him.

 Alternatively, instead of treating him as a second-class citizen in his own home, why not treat him as one of your children. After all, the legendary French fashion designer Gabrielle Bonheur Chanel (CoCo Chanel) rightly said, “As long as you know men are like children, you know everything!”

Wives/mothers, be wise. But I must admit, it’s easier said than done!

Aisha Musa Auyo is a Doctorate researcher in Educational Psychology, a mother of three, a Home Maker, caterer and parenting/ relationship coach.

By Umm Khalid

I completely understand this parental concern. We live in an age, unfortunately, where entertainment is tantamount to plopping yourself and your kids in front of the screen.

Screens = Fun

But this model was not always the case. In previous generations, entertainment came in many forms and none of them involved a screen.

Even today, much research has been done and much ink has been spilt to detail the deep harms that come with screentime for children, especially at a young age.

I did not grow up watching TV, even though this was the norm in Egypt when I was growing up. Almost everyone had a TV, and most families gathered around their screen to watch أفلام ومسلسلات (movies and soap operas/ TV shows and dramas). This was standard practice in Egypt even with our relatives and neighbours.

But my father, may Allah reward him immensely, had a different mindset. He saw this as a big waste of time, precious time that could be used elsewhere either to be productive or to have fun but in a non-screen way. He also worried about the impact it have on his daughters (my sisters and I) to see women dressed without hijab (even though the way women dressed on TV in Egypt in the 1980s and 90s was nothing compared to how women dress now!). But he knew that whatever the eye consumes has a big impact on the heart and mind. My father called the TV مُفْسِديُون (a play on the word for TV in Egyptian Arabic, تلفزيون), roughly like “Mufsid-vision,” meaning that which brings fasad, or destruction.

So he put our TV in the closet, unplugged and unused.

I think this is one of his most brilliant parenting strategies mashaAllah!

So after becoming a parent myself, I’ve followed suit. My husband and I do not allow our children to watch TV or be on a screen of any kind.

Especially these days, even so-called children’s shows and cartoons are riddled with subliminal messaging and deep social engineering on issues like LGBTQ+-×÷ and tabarruj and promote disrespect and defiance to parents, and deviance in general. TV shows on Netflix or HBO or whatever other platforms are basically avenues for smuggling in all the most damaging, fitra-warping, nature-altering liberal ideas into the heart and mind of the viewer. It’s nothing short of mass brainwashing.

What is also quite sad and even dangerous is that after enough acclimation to screens, it becomes an actual addiction. There are studies that show that children as young as one and two years old get addicted to screens, and if parents attempt to take away these devices, children show classic signs of withdrawal! This is what happens with drugs, for example. When a drug user stops using, he or she experiences painful withdrawal symptoms. TV for children can become similar. Turning off the TV after the show has ended can often result in crying, screaming, and temper tantrums.

The other bad thing about a screen is that it trains children to be passive recipients instead of active doers. On the screen, characters parade themselves before the children’s eyes, there are bright lights and loud sounds and flashing images. So easy to sit back and be passively amused. Next to this lively entertainment, how can reading a book compete? Now reading a book looks dull and boring in comparison. Writing your own story is now too much work. It is in this way the screens tend to stunt creativity and initiative in children.

And for us as Muslims, an over-reliance on screens can be an obstacle to Quran. How can memorizing Quran compete with the easy passive fun of watching TV? Memorizing Quran will seem that much harder and more arduous, that much less fun, next to the TV. Without the blaring distraction that is the screen, Quran is much more doable and even enjoyable inshaAllah.

Sometimes either my husband or I will show the kids a specific video on a certain topic (animals, nature, or what subject they might be learning about like tornadoes or earthquakes, etc), but it’s always with us, supervised and educational.

And it’s a one-off, not a regularly scheduled event.

Our kids have no expectations for having a certain amount of TV time or screen time a day or a week or a month. This can be achieved by training the kids and by being consistent with the rules so the kids do not feel confused.

So then: what do the kids do for entertainment?

🌻 We go outside very often and let the kids run and play, go swimming. One of my kids is a big climber and loves to climb trees. Invariably, the boys find some good sticks and tree branches and use them as swords, and have mock battles (غزوات).

🌻 The kids love to read books and sometimes try to “write” their own books complete with illustrations. Before they are literate, they just look at the pictures. We also read aloud to them sometimes.

🌻 We go on play dates to various parks with friends.

🌻 Sports (for my kids: soccer!)

🌻 At least once daily, I play with the kids (chasing and tickling games, lol). [I have an old post from a few years ago detailing the specific games I often play with them!]

🌻 But most of all, the kids invent games with one another. Alhamdulillah, that’s one of the benefits of having multiple children: they make up games together! They wrestle, race, and make up other ways to compete. This strengthens their creativity, initiative, and imagination.

When you have a big imagination, the possibilities for entertainment are vast!

But what we don’t do is rely on TV or screens for entertainment. Our entertainment is deliberately low-tech and old school.

I’ll end with this, as food for thought: many of the people who live in Silicon Valley and work at Google or other tech companies do not allow their own children to have any screens. They keep all their kids’ toys and entertainment low-tech. Interesting, no?