Polygyny

By Khalilah Yahya Aliyu

Nothing like polygamy has been grossly abhorred and misunderstood in marriage, especially among women. It trends both ways, be it positive or negative, with the latter being blown out of proportion – leading to an intense phobia for women young and old.

Please note that we Muslims don’t practice polygamy. What we are allowed to practice is polygyny. The difference here is that in polygamy, both men and women are allowed to have multiple wives or husbands, respectively, while polygyny refers to a husband taking more than one wife, four to be precise. So, I will use polygamy for this article.

The piece will be dominated by my point of view, garnished with some spicy personal experiences. Writing this has been difficult because I felt as though I was laying bare a part of my soul. After going through numerous articles and books on polygyny, I realised that much attention is given to the perspective of the first wife or existing wives. Their fears and insecurities when confronted with polygyny and ways to overcome them were discussed in detail. Therefore, the added wife is left to nurse her worries and insecurities alone as it is being treated as non-existent.

During my secondary school days, we did ask ourselves questions regarding polygyny, and we all wanted to be the first wife. This position to our understanding back then, comes with these benefits:

Societal empathy towards the first wife, with the man and his new wives, considered wrongdoers, conspiring to destabilise the existing wife’s life.

You enjoy the man’s prime years and resources, which translates to more attention and care. You get a clearer understanding of the man’s personality as a husband, having spent more years with him and his close and extended family.

Being his first and as humans, we tend to get sentimentally attached to our first of everything, be it a child, car, job, etc.

Those are a few of the benefits. They could be more or less depending on the person and the current situation. All these made me crave that position, too, to the extent of being willing to welcome co-wives so that I could hold on to the bragging rights of knowing him first. Well, fate has an entirely different story lying in waiting for me.

I met this amazing man. I have always been an incurable romantic at heart, placing emphasis on those zings and sparks you feel when you meet someone you share a strong chemistry with. “This here is the man of my dream,” I exclaimed to myself. The feelings were mutual; I am sure you will be like, “why didn’t you get married right away” as it is the only legal way to have a relationship with non-Mahram. It wasn’t that easy because here I am, a not previously-married young lady from a monogamous home presenting a married man as a suitor to her family. The more the number of wives, the more difficult it is for our parents to accept the man as a spousal choice for their girls. In my case, it was even wives, not a wife, an unsurmountable wall, it seemed.

As parts of the tenets of our Deen, we must accept “qadr”, otherwise known as the divine decree, regardless of how it comes. I drew strength from this and presented him as my choice. During the waiting period before the wedding, I was riddled with nerves and bouts of insecurities. This shows that added wives, too, have fears. What if the other wives are better looking, cooks and humans than I am? No day passes without my heart racing faster when I think about what lies ahead. Your intentions might be noble, but you can’t say the same about the other parties with the recent ugly trend of co-wives harming one another. The what-ifs were actually numerous, including the ability of our husband to treat us fairly.

I channelled the energy generated by these fears into finding a better version of myself, seeking religious knowledge and reading more on human psychology to understand better the tricks of maintaining a healthy relationship between humans—anything on polygyny I devoured keenly to better prepare for what lies ahead. Marriage is a lifetime journey, and no preparation is termed too much. So when I felt ready, armed with prayers and all I have learnt, I plunged bravely into it and “Alhamdulillah”, it was not as difficult as I envisaged.

Though no amount of preparation is adequate when reality finally hits, coping mechanisms are needed to maintain a healthy relationship when jealousy glares its ugly head. A naturally occurring phenomenon, even our mothers, the wives of our noble prophet (S.A.W), were not spared. Feeling bouts of jealousy is normal, but borrowing a leaf from how our role models, Mothers of the Faithful, dealt with theirs will keep this strong emotion in check. How you handle this emotion can make or break you. I try to always look at a person as a human first, and no matter how jealous or angry I get, I will try my best to treat the person humanely. No one is worth your “Iman” I repeat, never lose your “Iman” over anything. Keep striving to maintain a better version of yourself. Study your co-wives because understanding their temperaments will make it easier for you to relate with them accordingly. It might not lead to friendship per se, but an amicable relationship is assured.

Plus, always remember that humans are dignified creatures, and every soul has its unique form of beauty. As a famous saying goes, “beauty is in the eyes of the beholder” sister, you are beautiful. Indulge in many positive affirmations, eat healthy, exercise, and maintain positive hygiene to boost your self-esteem should you ever feel your co-wives are better.

Contrary to popular belief of competition between co-wives, you are there to compete with no one; be yourself and try as much as you can to support and not bring them down. Remember, as your sisters in Islam, you owe them that. Banters will be thrown, especially that of knowing him before you did or you coming to marry their husband. He was never meant for them alone; it was decreed that he would marry you all in the manner or order he did. You have the same right as any of them, but this shouldn’t make you disrespectful. Support your spouse; it takes a lot of spunk and sacrifice to maintain a wife and talk more about wives.

Personally, polygyny has been a blessing. Ask pizza lovers; having a slice of it is better than not having a taste at all. I wouldn’t have been able to enjoy the good moments with the man of my dreams if it wasn’t legal for him to marry me too.

Regardless of being the first or last, we are all advised to make it work. Equip yourself with what it takes to build a peaceful haven or sanctuary for yourself, your husband, and everyone visiting your home. He is yours; make every moment count. It is not how much time is spent but how qualitative it is. To the added wife, know this, you are brave and unique, and you’ve got nothing to fear. Be yourself, and I wish you the best.

Khalilah Yahya Aliyu writes from Kaduna and can be reached via khalilah20@gmail.com.