Muslim Woman

By Khadijah Tijani

There are many untold stories of Muslim women who are dissatisfied in their marriages due to sexual starvation. But unfortunately, people are not ready for the conversation. Many reasons are responsible for the apathy towards this problem.

Here are some of my thoughts:

Most women are “expected” to have a lower libido than men. However, experience has shown that many women have a high libido but often find ways to actively suppress their unattended desires. People think it’s a rare thing, but really, it’s more common than you think.

They are “expected” to accept whatever their husbands throw at them without complaining. But, since polygamy is not for women and divorce is not easy to get, they endure the sexual incongruity and bottle in the heightened emotions.

They are “expected” to focus on their children and care less about their sexual urges. However, in reality, some women begin to understand their sexuality only after reaching full maturity (age 35 and above). For some, this may happen after birthing all their children! They become more self-aware and assertive enough to demand sex. In fact, some women don’t stop wanting sex even after menopause! Conversely, men tend to become less sexually active in their late 30s and 40s. They’re more likely to be physically and emotionally absent from home due to work, business or further studies. For some men, even if they’re present, chronic medical conditions may have set in, putting them at risk of erectile dysfunction and lower sex drive.

They decide not to complain because no one will listen anyway. 8 out of 10 women would rather not speak against sexual dissatisfaction because of these high expectations. If they ever summon the courage to speak, they are often shushed by families, friends and religious clerics. Many don’t have access to professional help or the money to pay for such services.

In a survey I conducted among a small group of married Muslim women last year, I found out that 40% of them have difficulty achieving sexual satisfaction. This could be due to an inability to reach orgasm (a real psychosexual disorder) or enjoy regular, satisfying intimacy with their husbands. A larger percentage of these women cannot express their dissatisfaction for the reasons I have mentioned above.

The first solution to this problem is for men to normalize taking feedback from their wives. Don’t assume that you’re done because YOU are done. You don’t even need to ask if she’s satisfied; you only need to look at her face and feel her body language. A well-bedded woman will keep smiling at you for the rest of that day, if not longer. She will show other verbal and nonverbal cues to endorse that you have done a good job.

You need to acknowledge and validate her feedback to show that you care.

“I can see that you are smiling all the way. So that’s a good sign, right?”

Or,

“You’re not smiling. What’s wrong?”

“You know I’ve been under too much stress lately. Please give me some time to rest. I’ll make it up with you very soon.”

These validations will reassure her of your interest in satisfying her and encourage her to open up and communicate her needs.

If there’s an unsettled problem, feel free to talk about it. Avoid sweeping issues under the carpet and using sexual starvation to punish your wife. It works sometimes, but it can also be counterproductive at other times. She may begin to doubt herself and second-guess her choice of marrying you. This may negatively impact her mood and self-esteem.

And if you’re one of those who joke about the importance of sex and intimacy in marriage (“is sex a food?” Really?!), remember that the lady can get everything she needs without marrying you; let’s face it. She left her father’s house just for sex and procreation!

Also, remember that shaitan is always lurking around to identify loopholes to invade your marriage. A dissatisfied wife is one of such loopholes. She might begin to hear whisperings on how to satisfy her needs through haram ways. She may start cheating subtly, looking for means to unleash the pressure and engaging in unwholesome activities to douse the tension. We seek Allāh’s refuge against such.

In conclusion, I implore men to study their wife’s sexual needs and try to satisfy them as much as possible. Communicate freely and assist each other to achieve happiness through halal intimacy. Seek professional advice and therapy if possible. Do not shame your spouse for wanting a little bit more than usual. What makes your marriage what it is, if not the permission for intimacy?

Khadijah Tijani is a medical doctor. She writes from London, Ontario and can be reached through askodoctorkt@gmail.com or @AskDoctorKT.

By Aisha Musa Auyo 

The famous marriage counsellor, Maryam Lemu, advised couples to ask themselves often if they are still the person their spouse fell in love with. The answer would help one reflect and recognise which area to concentrate on in order to improve their marital relationship.

But, how can one achieve this if they are oblivious of the qualities that attracted their partner in the first place? Why did your partner choose to spend an entire lifetime with you despite millions of others worldwide? What are the qualities that attracted them and made them want to be with you for the rest of their lives?

You should, at least, know more than half of those qualities that attracted your person significantly, if not wholly. These qualities may range from your looks to character, smile, skill, gestures, intelligence, or even the way you laugh. I know of a man who married his wife because of her loud laughter. He said the sound of her laughter makes his worries vanish. Unfortunately, and sadly, she stopped laughing after a life-changing event that occurred in their life. They lost their two kids to gunmen, and from that day, she lost herself. (Story for another day).

Men are creatures of few words. Women should pay attention to whatever they say or indicate the slightest interest in. If you are lucky your partner is outspoken, work is easier for you.

 I know life happens, and changes are inevitable, but we should always strive to bounce back or be better versions of ourselves. Laziness destroys marriage, and not improving ourselves and relationships is one of the commonest laziness in our lives. We find silly excuses, blame nature, work, kids, our significant others, and anything we can lay reasons on. But trust me, with willpower and dedication, we can improve our relationship daily with small, consistent steps.

This write-up is a wake-up call for you and myself as I have been slumbering too – I stopped writing almost entirely. I abandoned my PhD thesis completely, my relationship write-ups forgotten. In fact, I neglected even the short motivational and inspiring pieces I used to write.

And one of the qualities that attracted my husband (then boyfriend) to me was writing. He’s amazed by my ideas and intellect, my zeal and inspiration to write. He loves my wordings and spends time reading my childish drafts. So he supported and cheered me.

He even bought me a modem for browsing, research and online publishing… (At that time, when one could only access the internet in the cafe… When we used to pay 50 naira for 30min and 100naira for an hour of internet surfing time, so modem was a big deal). I embraced penning down ideas to the fullest and made sure I published at least one well-researched article daily.

Then life happened, and I changed. I was not too fond of typing anymore. I only want to read and move on. Sometimes my husband would say, “As a matter of fact, you are becoming lazy; you no longer write,” and I’d reply with excuses like school, taking care of the kids, and running a catering business ain’t a joke. They are all fables. I still get free hours to surf the internet.

Whenever I share with him a beautiful write-up by others, he would be like, “Great write-up! I just wish it were your words”. Still, I wasn’t bothered. It didn’t hit me hard till the day he invited me to listen to a radio programme where they invited writers and poets for discussion. He was so attentive and enthusiastic. Of course, the woman in me got pissed off, as the guest was a lady that day. I pretended to share his enthusiasm, but I was boiling inside. That night, I thought about myself and the lazy girl I had become.

The reflection reminded me of the many messages I received asking why I stopped writing. My blog followers become concerned, some disappointed. Finally, I made up my mind to try to be better. I know deep inside me I can do better. I need to rekindle that flame.

Tonight, ask yourself, what qualities attracted my spouse to you? Is that quality still present in you? Have you improved in that area? What should you do to rekindle that attraction?

 Remember, a happy couple produces happy and healthy kids, creating a healthy family, state, nation, and the world. So this single and simple effort can go a long way in improving the world.

Aisha Musa Auyo is a Doctorate researcher in Educational Psychology. A mother of three, a Home Maker, caterer and parenting/relationship coach.

By Ahmad Deedat Zakari

The outlawed terrorist group, Indigenous People of Biafra, IPOB, has mercilessly murdered a pregnant woman and her four innocent kids in Anambra.

The woman identified as Harira Jibril Ahmed, was killed alongside her four kids and six other persons of northern extraction on Sunday, May 23, 2022.

The proscribed group is notorious for killing and maiming unarmed civilians, especially for disobeying their illegal sit-at-home order. They also frequently attack security formations and government offices.

Recently, they routinely target Muslims, kill innocent women and children and raze down mosques and businesses owned by northerners.

They are notorious in their atrocities and they carry out their heinous acts with impunity. It was even noticed that recently, their evil sit-at-home order is getting wider recognition, to the extent that even some security locations had to obey their evil order or face their random firing squads.