Marriage life

By Aisha Musa Auyo

I will begin my write-up with this Hadith: Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said, “Nothing is heavier on the believer’s scale on the Day of Judgment than good character.” (Sunan al-Tirmidh).

If we pay attention and are fair to ourselves, I bet you will realise that none of us is perfect. We all have areas in our lives where we excel, and we all have areas where we do not excel – or even fail. This will be true in your marital life as well. So, let us try to upgrade our character based on this fact.

Marriages collapse for many reasons. Some marriages and relationships go wrong because people fail to praise each other’s strengths and tend to criticise each other’s weaknesses. 

Let me tell you from experience. I love getting praise when I do something good, but if I totally blow something, I am already critical and upset enough with myself that I do not need my mate coming in and twisting the knife, so to speak. I am pretty sure everyone out there would agree with me on this. 

If you want to approach marriage the right way, you must generously praise each other, particularly when one excels at something, and use criticism sparingly when one flounders. Pray about the challenges and allow Allah, the Most High, to handle the work. 

Crushing your spouse’s soul will only push them away and never pull them toward you. When you see your spouse has messed something up, this is a time to draw them into your arms, hug them tight, and assure them everything will be okay. 

Marriage is teamwork, not competition, so learn to support and encourage each other. If you discover that you have strengths in areas where your spouse is weaker, take the lead in those aspects of the relationship and allow your partner to excel in what they do best. This synergy is achievable only in a healthy, selfless, progressive marriage.

If you both struggle in an area, agree to collaborate to address it. Learning to use this key effectively will create tremendous harmony in your relationship.

This formula can be applied beyond marital relationships. Any type of relationship can benefit from it, including those between parents and children, teachers and students, siblings, coworkers, or employers.

In a world where you can be anything…. choose positivity, compassion, empathy, and kindness. Remember, people may forget how you look, but they may never forget how you made them feel.

One more reason to be kind, encouraging, and compassionate is the hadith that the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said: “The best among you are those who have the best manners and character” (Sahih al-Bukhari).

Aisha Musa Auyo is a Doctorate researcher in Educational Psychology. A wife, a mother, a homemaker, caterer, parenting, and relationship coach. She can be reached via aishamuauyo@live.co.uk.

By Aisha Musa Auyo

Men’s preferences for women change with age, exposure, and income. What a man wants in his 20s will differ from what he wants in his forties. The woman he can afford at his first marriage will be different from the woman he would love to have in his midlife, especially in abubuwa na shigo masa. This is why we advise our fellow women to evolve with their men. 

This post is about men. I’ve written a lot for women and about women. It’s your turn now, especially since no one takes time to tell men what is required of them to keep their marriage going. The expectation is that a woman should keep her marriage. The reality is that it takes a husband and wife’s combined efforts to keep the marriage going.

My brother, know your woman can not be what you want without your support. Here, support means emotional, financial, and social support. If you marry a woman with minimal educational qualifications and you go ahead and add degrees without carrying her along, you are naturally creating a gap in your relationship. 

If you are always travelling within and outside your country, without her, she will be left behind in experience and exposure. 

If you are getting a lot of money, changing your wardrobe and perfume collections, and not doing so for her, she will soon be too local for you.

Know that the fine, educated, and brilliant lady you are eyeing and admiring is like that because someone invested in her. Someone allowed her to grow. Someone trusted, invested, and supported her. Good soup, they say, ‘na money me kam.’

Building meaningful connections with women, akin to nurturing a plant, involves investing time, energy, and resources. Just as they blossom with care, women flourish when given attention and support. It’s important to recognize the value of financial care, pampering, and spoiling in fostering a strong and vibrant relationship.

Let me start with these two hadiths.

Our Prophet, Muhammad, peace be upon him, said, “When a Muslim spends something on his family intending to receive Allah’s reward, it is regarded as Sadaqa for him.”

Allah’s Apostle said, “Allah said, ‘O son of Adam! Spend, and I shall spend on you.”

I don’t want to start listing the basic things a woman needs from her man because not all fingers are equal, and what is basic to one family may be a luxury to another. 

But a lady generally needs peace and care to look good and be happy. Everyone can afford that, huh? 

To chat, tease, and play with her is hard for some men. To acknowledge her efforts, praise her, pray for her, and engage in a meaningful, deep conversation with a wife is a big deal to some men. Watching movies with one’s wife, taking her out, travelling with her, or spending quality time with her is impossible for some men.

On nutrition, a good and balanced diet is the number one responsibility of a husband. A husband should spend on his family depending on his pocket. Don’t give her garri and Garau-Garau, then order shawarma, basmati, and tiger nut drink for yourself from Auyo’s Cuisines. Buying grains only and leaving her to cater to the remaining ingredients is wrong. Sometimes, the ingredients for food preparation cost more than the grains. 

Body care essentials like soap, pads, deodorants, perfumes, hair products, and clothing are non-negotiable. If you have the resources, give her money for a good skincare routine, spa treatment, gyaran jiki, salon, manicure, pedicure, etc. 

Normalize buying clothes more than two times a year. Give her money for nighties, underwear, comfy wear, and pyjamas. A woman also needs hijabs, veils, laffayas, and abayas. Everything I listed here has prices that vary with one’s income, dan Allah a kamanta.

In education, a woman needs to update and upgrade her Islamic knowledge, Western education, and socialization. The world is changing and evolving in the blink of an eye. If she’s stagnant in these areas, she might not be well-equipped to raise your kids and be the wife that you need.

Aisha Musa Auyo is a doctoral researcher in educational psychology, a wife, a mother of three, a homemaker, a chef, and a parenting/relationship coach. She can be reached via aishamuauyo@live.co.uk.