Lifestyle

By Munirah Ibrahim Yusuf

Growing up as a teenager, one of the most challenging questions you could ask me was the almighty… “What do you want to be in the future”? I dabbled from one self-proclaimed pretty “Science course” to another for years…

All I knew was that it had to be a course in the Science field. First, it was ophthalmology, then pharmacy, and even estate management. Who am I kidding? It was a crisis.

It felt worse when I got to SS1 and saw the other options I could have had in different fields, like art and commercials. I was good in their subjects too.

I couldn’t quite understand why I chose to go to the Science Field. I couldn’t find why I decided to go there, so I held on to the fact that Allah was in control and had led me to pick it with good faith.

Years later, one morning….it hit me like a revelation. I suddenly knew why I never went to art or commercial class. It was because “THEY WERE NEVER AN OPTION”.

A certain teacher we looked up to had categorically told us things that created the impression. For example, whoever was blessed with anything close to an IQ had nothing to do with anything other than in the science field. And, like, that’s where the money is….And, like, that’s where great people and great professions belong….blah blah blah. 

Who wouldn’t want to be Great, tho? I subconsciously ruled out other fields. I still remember when we were asked to pick classes after JSS3. I knew I wanted to choose “Science” but didn’t want anything too deep in science (medical science) because of all the blood and flesh business. 

I had settled to write down courses I thought wouldn’t have too much messy work (blood, wounds), and Opthalmology was what I went with (LOL again, who am I kidding?)

Secretly, many people still regret the paths they chose in their education. Family, friends or society influenced some of us,and now we have discovered what we want for ourselves.

Let’s think about it; I don’t know about you, but in my area, kids around ages 12-14 are already in JSS 3, where they get to choose fields. Is a child that young capable of knowing what’s best for them? It’s screaming NO. The schools differ, ranging from private or government-owned, but most I’ve seen make them choose a field after JSS3.

I heard about a principal who would make the JSS3 finalists come to school during the long break after their Junior NECO exams. He would then teach them art, sciences, technical and commercial subjects and finish with some exams.

This system gave the students a little insight into what they would be dealing with when they got to Senior class and helped them make better choices regarding the subjects they found more intriguing and good Counselling. Great, don’t you think? May Allah bless his soul. Either way, no one seems to do that anymore, and we have to move on.

As a teacher or an educator whom kids look up to and adhere to with all beliefs, you should be careful with the kind of information you give kids.

Courses might be ranked, but the individual is responsible for how much utility they can produce using it. Every course is important. If not, it would not be a cause to study. (P.S.: We will talk about the effect of our country on education some other day).

As a parent or caregiver, it is important to practice mindful parenting and carry out routine checks with your kids to understand their choices and lifestyle and make sure they choose the best for themselves.

Many of us had that ‘follow follow’ stage that comes with growing up. And then you snap! And you reach the point where you have to take a step back, assess the situation and realise that this is not who you want to be.

Then, we live our lives trying to find ourselves with ever-changing wants and needs. Many of us are past that now, but you might know a kid or two going through these struggles. It is easy to recognise these stages when they talk and be on the lookout for help.

Let us give them better than we had.

Munirah Ibrahim Yusuf can be reached via ibrahimnurah99@gmail.com. 

By Mohammed Usman

Every society comprises class and caste, dividing its members into the same or similar status, profession, occupation, etc. This division makes the society function and able to move forward. It is the factor that enables each member to, directly and indirectly, benefit from another to sustain a living. 

We can say that these societal classes and castes are God Made since they have existed since time immemorial. More so, they exist even in the heavenly kingdom of God, the Almighty, for not all the angels of God are of the same status andrank. But each one of them remains an Angel of God, anyway! And being one angel of a status lower than the other doesn’t make him less than an angel. The difference in status resulted from the different purposes for which each one was created to serve. 

Similarly, mankind is made into different statuses, occupations and professions. We are all cut out for various reasons, so we can never be the same or go the same path in life’s journey. We are being driven, all of us, by the force of destiny that is beyond our control. It is in the hand of God, our dear creator. He is the one who penned down what and who each of us will be after being born and given a lease of life.

This, therefore, is worthwhile for us to fathom the metaphysical differences we have in perception of life phenomenon, passions, and craves_which are the fundamentals of our existence and our purpose for living, or one of the essential purposes for which we are created, and of course, the reason why we belong to a different caste. 

Having this at the back of our minds and having understood it fully, we shall never assume that belonging to an assumably superior societal class or caste makes us superior to another in entirety. It is foolish to think this way. As I said above, we all need each other. And we benefit from each other to sustain living. That makes us less than superior than we think we are! 

For more emphasis, belonging to that societal class or caste is, or the other, not a consequence of our own doings or mental engineering. It is something within the orbit of our destiny made and controlled by God, the owner of insurmountable power. 

So the earlier we come to this wisdom, the better and more balanced society we shall make for ourselves, and as a result, we make the world a better place for mankind to live to the fullest. 

May Allah grant us understanding. Aameaan! 

Mohammed Usman (Noble-pen) wrote via mohammedusman5706@gmail.com.

By Bello Hussein Adoto 

Have you ever heard: “No one remembers who came in second”? The quote is often credited to the legendary golfer Walter Hagen; others credit it to Enzo Ferrari. Whatever the source, the quote is popular. I have read it in more places than I can remember. Self-help gurus make it a part of their gung-ho anthems to nudge you into giving your best shot, doing better than average, and becoming great, not just good. 

You have to be the first person in your class. The best player in your team. The gold medallist in your sport. The brightest star on the planet. This is not minding the fact that Walter Hagen himself is third, not first or even second, in the list of golfers with the highest professional majors. 

The problem with “no one remembers who came in second” is that it feeds a utopic mindset in people who see things in binaries. To these people, you either win or you lose. There’s no halfway or middle ground. There’s nothing like you tried. There’s nothing you can do better. Your efforts are nought if you come second. No one will remember you. You go just dey explain, explain; no evidence.

So, what do we do? Some of us try to clinch the first place at all costs. We put in the work, burn the night candles, and sacrifice sleep and transient comfort for the great good.  Others lie, cheat, and scheme their way to the top. They don’t mind breaking the rules, engaging in unethical behaviour, or even hurting others to win. The goal is to win first; the how can come later, if it comes at all. 

Then, the rest of us aren’t so sure of our capacities to win, so we don’t compete. Or we compete only when we have higher chances of winning than losing. According to Carol Dweck, this category is for those who have a “fixed mindset”, the view that if you don’t already have the capacity to do something, you can’t do it at all.

Mindset aside, we are not the only ones who want to be remembered for coming first. Other people are trying to win, too—tens, hundreds, and thousands of others burning the night candle, scheming their ways, or hurting others, looking to win. We may win, and we may not.

I am not trying to romanticise mediocrity. There should be good, better, best to set the standards for excellence. There should be standards to measure and reward performance. We need the binaries of success and failure to draw the lines between the champ and the trash.

Nevertheless, that line should be thick and wide enough to accommodate the spectrum of outcomes between incompetence and excellence. Anyone who puts their hats into the ring and achieves the thresholds of excellence should be celebrated if not remembered for their efforts. Efforts should not only matter when they produce a first. 

However, in a world of “no one remembers who came in second” cheerleaders, effort is not enough. Stepping up to represent your school or class in a quiz or debate is not enough if you don’t win. Surviving medical school feels less of a win if you are not the Best Graduating Student in something. It goes on and on.

Then, you look at the lives of those keeping the scores of winners and losers, the ones who remember those who came first but don’t remember those who came in second, and wonder what their places in history are.

Who remembers these people? Who remembers the commentators at the 1996 Olympics? Who remembers the journalists who celebrated Nigeria and Africa? Who remembers the fans and snobs that choose who deserves the cheers or the jeers? Do you? I suppose some do, but they are a minority. 

If we all don’t remember the commentators, the fans, and the snobs, at least some will remember the players. At least, we remember Brazil. At least, we remember Holland at the 2010 World Cup, Argentina in 2014, Croatia in 2018, and France in 2022. We remember Sneijder. We remember Messi, Modric, and Mbappe. We remember those who strode into the pitch to gun for the gold, even if they didn’t get it. 

If we don’t remember them, at least these people remember themselves. Some self-help gurus would say, “The only person who remembers who comes in second is the person who came in second.” And I agree. How you see yourself is what matters more. Your win is yours as much as your losses. You’re your greatest fan and snob, not those watching the scoreboard.

At its core, the competition is not out there where there is gold, silver, or bronze. There’s no first prize or second place. There’s you, you, you. You—the one in this wild and endless competition—are to decide what to compete for, whether to put your best foot forward, be sure you’ve done your best, and hope the best comes out of it. The validation is yours to give first before the world resonates it. Whatever you get or don’t get from that will be on you, not the fans or snobs.

The greater competition is in beating your good self to become better, polishing your metal, and turning it into gold. That competition is within, and that’s where the win or loss should start from.

Don’t delude yourself into thinking it doesn’t matter if you are remembered. It does. Recognition matters. Excellence matters. You can’t afford to be complacent or mediocre. So, start polishing. Build diligently. Show up good, prepared. Pursue excellence. When the chips are down and “no one remembers who came in second,” you will remember yourself. What would you want to remember yourself for?

By Abdelghaffar Amoka

I have read comments from some ladies on social media that they can’t marry a man who earns less than a certain value, for example, N300k. I have no issue with setting such a minimum. I am of the school of thought that a man should be able and ready to take care of a woman before making that marriage decision. It is okay to set a minimum amount that the man must bring to the table. But that means you must have also set a minimum you are bringing to the table. So, what are you bringing to the table?

Don’t tell me about your body because we all have a body we are bringing to the table. Of course, your fine face and body shape may be the first point of attraction to a man. He will be wow! See beautiful face! See fine shape! Lower your gaze, bro. But that is just a motivation. A man needs more than a pleasing face in a woman/wife to keep him going. In the words of Jim Ryun, “Motivation gets you started, but habit keeps you going”. There must be something to keep you going, or else it crashes. 

In 2012, shortly after returning from the UK, I got into a talk with a lady I really liked. She told me she, too,really liked me, but her feelings for me were not enough to survive a lifetime relationship. I was happy with her honest submission. That was the most honest response I have got from a lady. So, both parties must bring something that will keep a lifetime relationship. That thing is most likely beyond your pretty face and his 300k. 

There are different kinds of wives. The normal wife and the Trophy wife. Do you want to be a Trophy wife? Your body is all that is needed to be. You can be brainless; it doesn’t matter; your value is in your physical appearance. You are just a status symbol who has to ensure a flawless look to enhance the social status of your husband. He sure knows you need that money to spend on your looks to stay attractive to him and the clients you are to impress. He will make provision for that. They (Trophy wives) seem to serve the same purpose as models. 

For the normal wife, your value is not your physical appearance but your personality. The same personality that made you feel he would be a great husband and father to your kids. Husband and wife are full-fledged partners in making their home happy and prosperous. They are supposed to be loyal and faithful to one another and genuinely interested in each other’s welfare and the welfare of their children. A woman is expected to exercise a humanising influence over her husband and to soften the sternness inherent in his nature.

While a fine face could be the motivation for a lifetime relationship, we are expected to bring our heads to the table. We should be able to share ideas. He should be somebody to look up to and be able to be your guide. He should also be able to tell you the ideas in his head for your input and criticism. You should be his second opinion. You should be able to help him grow his ideas.

A man is enjoined to also educate and develop the women in his care so that they cultivate the qualities in which they, by their very nature, excel. You should be willing for that development. You should be able to transform your ideas into a product, even from your kitchen, to support yourself. He will want to come home and be told: “Sweetheart, I have done so and so to transform the 100k you gave me the other time to 120k and have got so, and so plans to re-invest it for more gain”. He will be like, Yeah! That is my wife.

He may not need the money as he is responsible for taking care of you. But you should be able to support yourself in some things. You can also voluntarily support him without asking. Marriage is about growing a family. It’s not just about bringing a minimum of N300k to the table. The N300k may still not be enough if she doesn’t have what it takes to manage it. It is having what it takes to help him manage and maximise his resources for the family. 

You are not a commodity. You are priceless. Stop objectifying yourself. Your worth and potential are in your head. It does not lie on that flaunted sexualised fatty part of the body. Your value is unquantifiable. Stop putting a price tag on yourself. Not even the pleasure derived from talking with each other can be priced. No amount of money can buy that. Take a lesson from those humble, beautiful women and wives who are professionals and entrepreneurs. There are a number of them that I admire every day.

To brothers, if you are looking for a Trophy wife, ensure you have the cash to maintain the trophy. Her flawless look must be kept intact against all odds. 

Dear friends, be yourself and listen to yourself. Relationships are not destined to be or not to be. They work because the people involved find something interesting about themselves and are willing to make sacrifices to make it work. I hope to write about my mother someday. Don’t live by social media. Don’t get carried away by social media euphoria. Don’t let some frustrated individuals on the net confuse you. The value of family is priceless. Let’s bring our heads to the table to build that small empire for a beautiful family. 

Abdelghaffar Amoka Abdelmalik, PhD, wrote from Ahmadu Bello University, Zaria. He can be reached via aaabdelmalik@gmail.com.

By Suleiman Ahmed

1. When things are going well for you, remain humble. It’s not just about your hard work, intelligence, skills, or talents; factors like luck, good timing, opportunities, and privileges also play a role.

2. Conversely, when things are going bad for you, forgive yourself and avoid falling into despair. Some aspects are beyond your control. As long as you did what you had to, forgive yourself, learn from the outcome, correct your mistakes, and keep moving forward. 

3. You’re not as good as you think you are when you’re winning, and you’re not as bad as you think you are when things are going poorly. Take it easy.

4. Bad things will happen. It doesn’t matter if you’re a good person or not; bad things can happen to anyone. There are too many variables beyond your control. This is why it’s crucial to prepare for challenging days when things are going well. 

The Igala people have a wise saying: “In times of abundance, prepare for hardship.” Life isn’t all about feasting; there will be moments of famine. What you do during times of plenty determines how you cope during times of scarcity. A great year doesn’t guarantee the next one will be the same. Life is unpredictable. Another crisis might happen, or unexpected challenges may arise. 

Many things are beyond your control, so staying prepared is the best way to handle surprises. In essence, the Igala wisdom encourages prudence during prosperous times. It teaches us to resist the temptation to indulge in extravagant spending during good times and, finally, to adopt a sustainable life, diligently saving for unforeseen emergencies. 

A lack of preparation for the bad times exposes one to relying on charity from others for financial assistance when hard times eventually arrive. While this may not be wrong in and of itself, relying on people’s benevolence during emergencies is not only risky but also unfair to both yourself and the people you seek help from, especially if feelings of betrayal arise when they can’t rescue you. Numerous relationships have been strained due to one party’s inability to offer financial support during times of distress. It’s crucial to recognise that we don’t always know the challenges others are silently facing. Therefore, feeling offended or betrayed when they are unable to help is rather unkind. 

In summary, stay humble and frugal during good times, forgive yourself and remain patient during bad times, and stay prepared for the unexpected. While the future is unpredictable, being prepared helps you handle surprises better.

The path is long. 

The burden is heavy. 

May your arm be strong. 

May your sword be sharp.

Suleiman Ahmed is the author of TROUBLE IN VALHALLA. He is also a software engineer. He is available on X/Twitter via @sule365.

By Ladi Ibrahim

Early marriage, also known as child marriage, remains a persistent issue in Nigeria, where cultural traditions, poverty, and limited access to education contribute to this harmful practice. Despite significant progress made in addressing child marriage globally, Nigeria still grapples with high rates of early marriage, adversely affecting the lives of countless young girls. This article aims to illuminate the causes, consequences, and potential solutions to this deeply rooted societal problem.

Several factors contribute to the prevalence of early marriage in Nigeria. Cultural norms and traditions play a pivotal role, with many communities believing that marrying off their daughters at a young age protects their honour and ensures their future safety. Poverty is another critical factor, as families with limited resources may see marrying their daughters off early as an economic relief or an attempt to secure a better life for them.

Furthermore, lack of access to quality education, especially for girls, perpetuates the cycle of early marriage. Limited educational opportunities deprive young girls of the chance to develop essential skills, pursue independent livelihoods, and gain awareness about their rights. Additionally, prevailing gender inequalities and discrimination further exacerbate the problem, limiting gender equality and social progress.

Early marriage has detrimental effects on the physical, mental, and emotional well-being of young girls. Firstly, it exposes them to serious health risks, as their bodies are often not fully developed to bear children, resulting in complications during pregnancy and childbirth. Early marriage also robs girls of their right to education, denying them the chance to reach their full potential and contribute meaningfully to society.

Moreover, young brides often face economic hardships, lacking the necessary skills or education to secure stable employment. This perpetuates the cycle of poverty, subsequently affecting future generations. Early marriage is also linked to a higher incidence of domestic violence, mental health issues, and limited decision-making power for girls and women within their households.

Addressing the issue of early marriage in Nigeria requires a holistic approach that involves multiple stakeholders, including the government, civil society organisations, religious leaders, and communities. 

 Enhancing access to quality education, particularly for girls, is pivotal to breaking the cycle of early marriage. This can be achieved by providing scholarships, building schools closer to rural communities, and promoting educational campaigns focused on child rights and gender equality.

Strengthening existing laws that criminalise child marriage is essential, accompanied by strict enforcement mechanisms to hold perpetrators accountable. Providing young girls with vocational training and economic opportunities can dismantle the economic rationale behind early marriage. Such initiatives can help them gain financial independence and empower them to make informed choices.

 Collaborating with religious and community leaders to change social norms and customs that perpetuate early marriage is crucial. Obtaining their support and involvement is vital for building awareness and changing mindsets.

Expanding healthcare facilities and services in rural areas, specifically aimed at addressing the unique needs of young brides, can contribute to reducing the health risks associated with early pregnancy and childbirth.

Early marriage continues to be a significant challenge in Nigeria, depriving countless young girls of their rights and potential. By addressing the root causes of this practice through education, legal reforms, economic empowerment, community engagement, and access to healthcare, Nigeria can pave the way for a brighter future for its girls. Efforts to end early marriage require synergy, collaboration, and a relentless commitment to ensuring that every child in Nigeria has the opportunity to grow, thrive, and determine their destiny.

Ladi Ibrahim wrote from the Department of Mass Communication, University of Maiduguri.

By Usman Muhammad Salihu

In our busy lives, we often overlook a fundamental truth: sharing what little we have can bring blessings to others and ourselves. It doesn’t require grand gestures or lavish gifts; sometimes, small acts of sharing can profoundly impact lives and illuminate the world.

Sharing fosters connections between people, whether it’s with a friend, a family member, or even a stranger. These bonds can be significant, reminding us of our shared humanity. Sharing brings joy, whether you’re offering your time, food, or old clothes. Giving, even in modest amounts, can bring immense happiness and contentment. Knowing you’ve made someone else’s day better is a joy.

What might seem insignificant to you could mean the world to someone in need. Your extra meal or a warm blanket could mean the difference between hunger and comfort for someone less fortunate. Sharing eases the burden of those in hardship and can inspire others to do the same, creating a cycle of kindness that brightens the world one act at a time. Moreover, it cultivates gratitude for the small blessings in your life, fostering a more positive outlook.

Across various cultures and beliefs, there’s a common understanding that what you give is what you receive or even more than that (givers never lack). The universe has a way of rewarding those who share, although not always in the same form. Sharing also minimises waste, putting resources to good use and contributing to a more efficient use of our planet’s resources.

Your act of sharing has a ripple effect, touching the lives of many. These blessings extend far beyond you, positively impacting the world. It’s not about the quantity you give but the quality of your heart when you give. A warm smile, a meal, or a helping hand – each act of sharing can change lives and enhance the world, one kindness at a time. Therefore, never underestimate the profound impact of sharing. It’s only in giving we receive the true blessings of life.

Usman Muhammad Salihu writes from Jos, Nigeria and can be reached via muhammadu5363@gmail.com.

By Aisha Musa Auyo

In simple terms, body shaming is defined as the action or practice of mocking or stigmatising someone by making critical comments about the shape, size, or appearance of their body.

Body shaming involves humiliating someone by making inappropriate or negative comments about their body size or shape. As well as “fat shaming,” you may also hear negative comments if you’re underweight or about a specific body part.

This type of criticism can be made to others or yourself. You may feel unhappy with your weight or body’s appearance and judge yourself harshly. You may even engage in negative self-talk, such as “I feel so fat today” or “I need to stop stuffing my face with food.”

The act of body shaming can be carried out in person or remotely via the internet and social media and can be done by your parents, siblings, friends, or people you’re not even close to.

Even in a joking manner, remarks about what you eat or how much food you consume constitute body shaming. Giving someone advice about dieting or praising weight loss is also considered body shaming, whether intentional or not. 

Your friends and family often don’t want to hurt your feelings, but their comments can still be critical. They may not realise the negative effect that questions like “Have you lost weight?” or “Do you need to eat all of that?” can have.

Why Do People Body Shame?

You know how hurtful these behaviours can be if you’ve received those judgments—or even within earshot of words, looks, and gestures that judge others. So why do people do it?

Before I discuss why people choose to body shame others, I would say right up front: reasons don’t equal excuses! Ever. There’s no appropriate reason to make another person feel bad about the skin they’re in.

At the same time, it can be helpful to understand the motivation behind a person’s hurtful words. Doing this gives us perspective. Perspective helps us decide on the best path forward. Depending on the situation, we might:

* Shake off what another person says about us

* Remain confident as we see the lack of confidence in others

* Understand the heart behind hurtful words

* Call out misbehaviour in a calm, respectful manner

* Shut down rude talk without room for more to be said

With this in mind, let’s gain some perspective on why people do it.

We could talk about many interesting things—and have many good reasons to laugh. So why talk about how a person looks, right? Unfortunately, plenty of people do. Let’s look at some of the reasons why

1. Insecurity: When a person feels self-conscious about their body, they may talk badly about another person’s body to make themselves feel better. 

2. Societal norms: For so long, joking about how people look has been something that many people were brought up thinking is okay. This is learned bias.

3. Societal norms: For so long, joking about how people look has been something that many people were brought up thinking is okay. This is learned bias.

4. Best of intentions: Friends, family members, and even medical professionals can think they’re helpful by pointing out perceived areas for improvement in another person.

5. Lack of awareness: A person may refer to a friend’s stature or frame and not realise that they’ve crossed a line or that the person on the receiving end doesn’t like it.

5. Immaturity and lack of empathy: Some people don’t take the time or care to consider their words or how they might affect another person.

Please, allow me to be blunt. Beyond gaining perspective, it doesn’t matter why a person chooses to body shame. After all, the results are the same. Body shaming is known to cause mental health problems, eating disorders, low self-esteem, etc.

Most of us know firsthand about the adverse effects of body shaming because we’ve been on the receiving end of it at one time or another—especially when we were growing up. Research shows that 94% of teen girls and 64% of teen boys have been body-shamed.

The effects of body shaming and how to overcome it

Hearing negative comments about your appearance can impact your body image and leave you feeling anxious and self-conscious. However, there are ways to manage body shaming or other critical remarks and achieve body acceptance.

Supermodels and prima ballerinas have insecurities and imperfections, but we still perceive them as the ultimate representations of beauty. You may feel inadequate and unworthy if you don’t meet these standards.

And if you experience body shaming by others and take their negative comments to heart, it can lead to unhealthy behaviours and mental health problems, such as:

Eating Disorders: Having a negative body image is one of the main factors for developing disordered eating or an eating disorder, such as anorexia, bulimia, or binge eating.

You may start a diet that involves restrictive eating to change your body shape or size. However, such dieting can spiral into harmful behaviours like skipping meals, fasting, vomiting after eating, excessive exercising, or overusing laxatives. Over time, you deprive your body and brain of essential nutrients necessary for optimal health.

Body shaming comments such as “Did you lose weight? You look so much better” can be triggering and create more disordered eating habits in an attempt to maintain or lose even more weight.

Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD): Experiencing body shaming can interfere with your self-image and make you feel highly self-conscious. This can escalate into body dysmorphic disorder, where you become obsessed with a perceived appearance flaw that can create repeated avoidance behaviours.

Daily life can become consumed with concerns about a minor flaw or one not apparent to others. You may constantly look at yourself in the mirror or avoid mirrors altogether, conceal body parts you don’t like, pick at your skin, or frequently ask others if you look okay.

Being constantly ashamed of your body can also impair your performance at school and interfere with your relationships with peers, teachers, and family members. Fears about being judged by others may cause you to limit or avoid social activities.

Anxiety and depression: Body shaming can trigger or worsen existing symptoms of anxiety and depression. If you are body-shamed in public or on social media, you may try to avoid going to school or other situations where this shaming might occur. You may withdraw from others and feel isolated and alone.

Hearing critical comments about your appearance can also be humiliating, heighten your insecurities, and damage your self-esteem. Consequently, you may engage in negative self-talk as you internalise these feelings of worthlessness. You may tell yourself things like “I am a bad person” or “I am completely worthless.” This can escalate into extreme loneliness, depression, anxiety, and poor body image.

Physical Health Issues: Fat shaming, in particular, is rampant in our society as obesity is associated with being lazy, unattractive, and lacking the willpower to lose weight. In one study, over 70% of adolescents reported being bullied about their weight in the past few years. This can be harmful to your physical as well as psychological health.

Rather than being a motivating factor for losing weight, fat shaming has the opposite effect. The stress has been linked to a reduction in physical activity and the consumption of more calories.

Don’t body shame others

Research shows that when you promote body positivity to others, you also feel more positively about your body. Surround yourself with people who are courteous and treat others with respect. Avoid bullies who engage in body shaming and talk about the flaws of others.

Establish boundaries with your friends and clarify that you will not tolerate comments about your body or weight. You can also set an example by standing up for others who are the targets of body shaming.

So, let’s work together to stop body shaming and talk about more interesting things. The truth is, we all body shame one another. We are sometimes the villains and sometimes the victims. And the society has made it very normal. If we genuinely believe that every one of us is created by our Lord, none of us chooses how we look in most cases, and none of us knows how we will look tomorrow (life happens… story for another day), then we should stop body shaming. It starts with you and I. 

Were you ever body-shamed? Please share with us how you felt, how it affected you, and what you did to overcome it.

Aisha Musa Auyo is a Doctorate researcher in Educational Psychology. A wife, a mother, a homemaker, caterer, parenting, and relationship coach. She can be reached via aishamuauyo@live.co.uk.

By Aisha Musa Auyo

As a wife, your confidence can wither away if you continue to live your life only through the eyes of what your husband thinks of you. Yes, you have read that correctly.

Naturally, you want his approval, attention, praise, and appreciation for all that you do. From taking care of the home front to always being on top of the kid’s school projects and progress to making delicious dishes, entertaining guests, and remembering the family schedule of events, the list is endless!

But he is another human being preoccupied with his thoughts, goals, and ideas and isn’t always tuned in to what you are doing.

While I believe it’s important for a husband and wife to consistently express their appreciation, love, or admiration for each other, the REALITY is that life happens. When it does, those things don’t always come as regularly as you would all like.

As much as it is natural for women to need and want genuine compliments that uplift and celebrate their unique qualities, men are naturally reserved when it comes to expressing their thoughts and feelings. So, please don’t hurt yourself waiting for his verbal validation.

Here are a few things you should do:

Surround yourself with purpose and meaning: When you surround yourself with purpose, you prioritise the things that truly matter to you. Filling your physical space with meaning can create a sense of harmony and inspire your daily interactions. Consider incorporating books, phrases, artwork, or websites that hold significance to you. They can serve as constant reminders of your values and goals, grounding you and igniting your passion to pursue a meaningful life.

Moreover, seeking activities and endeavours that resonate with your purpose can bring immense fulfilment. Whether it’s volunteering for a cause close to your heart, pursuing a career that aligns with your passions, or dedicating time to personal growth and self-reflection, these intentional choices infuse your life with purposeful actions and contribute to your overall sense of fulfilment.

Remember, surrounding yourself with purpose and meaning is not a one-time endeavour but an ongoing process of introspection, evaluation, and intentional decision-making. It entails regularly reviewing and adjusting your surroundings to ensure they continue to inspire and support your journey.

So, take the initiative to curate a life that reflects your values, passions, and aspirations. Embrace the power of purposeful surroundings, and let them guide you towards a more fulfilling and meaningful existence.

Spend time with people who understand you and are motivated by your ideas and vision, and vice versa. Make a conscious effort to be surrounded by people who inspire you, support your growth, and share your vision. These relationships become the foundation for collaboration, encouragement, and personal development.

Give in “whatever” capacity you can to your dreams and aspirations that go beyond the walls of your home. The capacity will vary from family stage (beginners with small kids to middle-aged families with grown kids) to family educational background, religion, and financial stability.

Fingers are not equal, so be true to your situation while still not compromising your dreams and aspirations.

Make du’a and speak to Allah often the ideas in your heart. Praying and talking to Allah regularly is very important for deep Spiritual Connection, which allows you to strengthen your faith and feel His presence in your life.

He will provide you with guidance, clarity, and wisdom when you’re faced with important decisions and or challenges.

When speaking to Allah, make it a point of expressing gratitude. Be grateful for His endless blessings, and seek forgiveness for your sins and mistakes.

Sharing your thoughts and feelings with Allah offers relief and support during difficult times. It encourages self-reflection and a sense of purpose in life.

Overall, praying and speaking to Allah helps you maintain a strong connection with your faith, find guidance, and nurture a sense of peace and well-being.

Develop a sense of contentment. Like anyone else, a wife should develop a sense of contentment as it promotes mental and emotional well-being. Contentment helps you find happiness and satisfaction, reduces stress and anxiety, and fosters a positive outlook.

It also leads to healthier relationships and a greater sense of fulfilment, allowing you to navigate life’s challenges with resilience and peace.

Dear wife, resist the idea that your husband “completes” you, and therefore, you are always in need of him completing you while you wait for him to take notice of the intricacies of your world.

You are whole.

Aisha Musa Auyo is a Doctorate researcher in Educational Psychology. A wife, a mother, a homemaker, caterer, parenting, and relationship coach. She can be reached via aishamuauyo@live.co.uk.

By Aisha M Auyo

Rider: “In the intricate tapestry of marriage, love is but one thread”.

Marriage is not just the union of people who are genuinely in love with each other. It requires a whole lot of other factors to keep it going. I can confidently tell you a marriage can exist without love if the other factors exist. Our grandparents and generations before them have done it, and the divorce rate was very low compared with ours. Their marital relationship is stronger than ours, which capitalises on love.

Theirs is a relationship built on patience, understanding, selflessness, respect, belief in qadr, devotion, and peace. Not on lust. Not on love. Not on desire. Not on physical look. Not on avarice. It is almost the total opposite of marriage nowadays.

A strong marriage is determined by the sacrifices and struggles a husband and wife go through and their ability to stay strong and be patient with each other. There is no marriage without problems, issues, or tests. Even in the noble house of our Rasool, SAW, they had issues. From small ones that involve petty actions fuelled by jealousy within the wives to bigger problems that involve an accusation of adultery levied against Aisha, RA, also known as the “event of Ifk“, which can be traced to Surah An-Nur.

Couples should try not to give up when undergoing tests, DIVINE TESTS such as poverty, infertility, illness, polygamy, etc. Please understand that I am not saying we should condone HUMAN MADE CHALLENGES such as bad character, SERIAL infidelity (there may be exceptional cases of being victims or moments of weakness which should not be more than once), abuse of any kind, (mental, verbal, physical, or emotional), etc. We should be able to explore the fine line between Allah’s tests and man-made issues.

Allah says in the Qur’an, “We will test you with something of fear, and hunger and loss of wealth, and souls and vegetation. And give glad tidings to those who have patience. Those who, if in any difficulty or trial, or tribulation occurs to them or happens to them, they say: ‘Verily we are from Allah and to Allah we return.’ They are those who will receive prayers from their Lord and Mercy, and it is those who are guided.” Al baqarah.

The missed nuances in Northern Nigerian marriage customs, emphasising materialism over the essential attributes of lasting matrimony, have contributed immensely to the high divorce rate in our community. Parents neglect the core aspects of marriage and pay more attention to the superficial and materialistic aspects. Instead of counselling their kids on how to live with each other, the groom side will be busy making plans on ‘Kayan life‘ and ‘gida na gani na fada’. The bride side will be busy buying expensive furniture and ‘gara’, ‘kada a raina mu‘. The couples will be busy organising ‘Instagrammable’ wedding events that will trend for a week.

At least, the bride’s family does not joke with kayan mata and little Nasiha on ‘Yi, nayi, bari na bari’, ‘A yi haquri’. But on the groom’s side, no one says anything to him regarding how to live his life with the bride.

Then, after all the events, reality sets in. Expectations not met. The pretence energy is exhausted. Before you know it, ‘hide my ID’, parents’ intervention and divorce will happen. In less than five years, the marriage will be dissolved, with two or three innocent kids involved.

Many people would look at the marriages and successes of others and wish they were them, not knowing how much they struggled to get there or the sacrifices they made to succeed in their marriages.

In sum, I have delved into the enduring factors that fortify matrimonial bonds beyond love, drawing wisdom from the timeless legacy of our forebears. The essence of patience, understanding, selflessness, respect, belief in destiny, devotion, and peace is the age-old recipe for marital success. How strong unions are forged through trials and sacrifices. I hope this will guide parents and couples in nurturing resilient marriages by shedding light on the struggles behind seemingly idyllic unions.

May Allah make it easy for all those going through hardships in their marriages and protect us from such calamities, amin.

Always remember that, with divine guidance and patience, weathering marital storms can lead to stronger, more enduring love.

Aisha Musa Auyo is a Doctorate researcher in Educational Psychology. A wife, a mother, a homemaker, caterer, parenting, and relationship coach. She can be reached via aishamuauyo@live.co.uk.