Children upbringing

By Aisha Musa Auyo 

Hormones influence a considerable percentage of our behaviours and physical appearance. If we say our hormones are what make us, we won’t be exaggerating. Yet we hardly discuss it; thus, only a few know about it or believe in it.

Hormones regulate critical bodily functions such as metabolism, blood pressure, growth, reproduction, and mood. Even small changes in hormone levels can significantly impact our health, affecting everything from sleep and energy to appearance and cognitive function.

I’ve summarised the explanation in the most straightforward language possible so that I wouldn’t suffocate you with medical jargon. As promised, this outing is about male hormones…Finally.

Puberty in boys, typically starting between ages 9 and 14, is driven by hormonal changes, mainly testosterone. This triggers physical changes like increased sweating, acne, voice deepening, growth spurts, and the onset of sexual attraction. Emotionally, boys may experience mood swings, irritability, and seek independence.

Because they sweat a lot due to changes in their hormones and physical activities, they are bound to smell. This is one of the best times to ensure that they master personal hygiene, as they’re too old to be bathed by their mothers. Do this, and his wife will thank you later.

Teenage boys should learn about Islamic teachings on wet dreams and ritual baths. They should also learn about weekly shaving, the use of deodorants and perfumes, proper bathing, and washing underwear and sportswear as regularly as possible. 

At this crucial stage, parental support is vital. Don’t ignore and assume that boys don’t need attention and sympathy. They need it as much as their female counterparts. Parents should be patient, encourage open communication, set healthy boundaries, and model empathy. Ensure a healthy lifestyle with proper nutrition, regular exercise, and adequate sleep (at least 8 hours).

This is the phase when boys are likely to succumb to peer pressure and are likely to experiment on good, bad, and ugly, as they are fearless and careless. Parents should pay attention and make efforts to curb the impact of peer pressure, sexual attraction, and risky behaviours by monitoring their (a) friends, (b) how they use social media, (c) discussing the consequences of actions and inactions, and, (d) most importantly, prayers and setting a positive example. 

Parents should also promote emotional intelligence by having heart-to-heart talks with their male children, validating their feelings, and encouraging open expression. This gesture will go a long way in teaching them about expressing their feelings, listening to others, and communication in general.

Puberty is a crucial stage in a boy’s life, shaping both his body and mind. With patience, understanding, and the proper guidance, parents can help their sons navigate this period confidently, setting the foundation for healthy adulthood.

Men’s hormone levels stabilise in early adulthood, peaking in testosterone around age 20 and growth hormone around 25. After age 30, testosterone decreases by 1% annually, and growth hormone declines by 2-5% every five years. Cortisol, the “stress hormone,” and melatonin, which regulates sleep, become important for well-being.

During fatherhood, testosterone may drop, potentially reducing aggression and libido. In midlife, decreases in aldosterone and growth hormones can affect blood pressure and muscle mass. In late life, low testosterone impacts sperm quality and fertility. Ageing men should also monitor glucocorticoid and insulin levels, as imbalances can affect metabolism, memory, and diabetes risk.

Let me share some fundamental secrets with you. While women’s hormonal rollercoasters are quite pronounced, men’s hormone levels are mostly stable. However, the productivity, compassion, and cooperation of a boy-cum-man are boosted when they feel accepted, respected, appreciated, admired, and validated. 

Lack or shortage of the abovementioned elements will make a man’s emotions unpredictable. It will trigger reactions similar to women experiencing hormonal changes and mood swings.

We need to know how to treat the male gender with these measures from childhood. It’s the only way to get them to do what is desired of them. Naturally, that’s how our Creator made them. 

Being treated with respect and admiration will make a man (and a boy) drop his ego and defences without even knowing it. (Just like how love and caring open a woman’s heart and make her drop defences). Au, na tuna, this outing is for za other gender ko? LOL!

Anyway, as wives and mothers, knowing this will go a long way in helping us in our relationships with husbands, male children, and the other gender in general.

Aisha Musa Auyo is a Doctorate researcher in Educational Psychology. A wife, a mother, a homemaker, caterer, parenting, and relationship coach. She can be reached via aishamuauyo@live.co.uk.

By Aisha Musa Auyo

One thing everyone wishes for and works towards is to succeed in life. From infancy to adulthood, up to old age, we aim to succeed in every part of our lives. But what we fail to do is also to prepare ourselves for failure. Yes, because it’s inevitable. 

One of the pillars of the Islamic faith is the belief in qadr (divine will and decree), good or bad. This means that good and bad will surely ensue in life, success and otherwise. It’s how life is designed. But why do we do nothing or very little in preparing ourselves and our wards for failure? Why are we shielding ourselves and wards from the reality of life? 

This may be why people cheat, as they cannot afford to fail. They just have to win at all costs. Others commit suicide. Some go on drugs because they have been unable in certain expectations or tasks.

So as parents and teachers or elders, we need to let ourselves and our wards know that failure, not consistently winning, or not being at the top is okay. It is acceptable, and life does not end there. We can always try later and do better. 

Let’s show our wards and significant others they can trust us to be there for them whenever they fail. Just as they will want to come to us with success stories, they should be free to do that with failure stories. This is what unconditional support is all about. We should be a shoulder to cry on. 

We should also, as parents, accept that we sometimes fail and let our kids see how we feel and how we are going about it. The norm is to show the kids that we are always succeeding and doing great, just so they can be inspired, but we are not helping them by doing so. 

In summary, these are the points I want us to reflect on and ponder. 

1. Prepare your child for failure. We will always have good and bad days. Let them know they cannot always win, and it’s okay.

2. Let us always put in the back of our minds and theirs that “Over every possessor of knowledge is one [more] knowing”. Qur’an 12:76 

Regardless of one’s intelligence, hard work, and luck, we will surely meet others who are better than us. Let us know that we are better than others too.

3. Failure is a learning process to know what to do and what to avoid in the future. If one fails in a certain task, one may succeed in another task.

4. We should learn to compete with ourselves, not others. Set a target for yourself, and work towards achieving it.

5. Life doesn’t end or begin with school grades, work promotions, or huge profits. There’s more to life than these.

6. Good relationships, emotional intelligence, compassion, contentment, and adaptability guarantee success in every life situation.

8. It’s lonely up there: If you cheat your way up or compete to be better than everyone else, people will leave you with your success. No one wants to be with someone who always wants to be on the top by hook or crook. Cheating often backfires. And if it doesn’t, the people who made it to the top by defrauding others end up very lonely and have no genuine person to share the success with. 

9. Healthy competition is okay. Being motivated by other people’s success stories is okay, but we should not cheat or compete. We are made differently.

10. Avoid social media attention or fame: The pursuit of likes, followers, and validation has led to detrimental effects on mental health, values, and overall well-being. The obsession with social media fame has resulted in a culture of superficiality, narcissism, and moral erosion, hindering the progress and development of society as a whole.

Parents and teachers must take responsibility and invest in youth development, focusing on their holistic growth, character development, and real-world contributions. By doing so, we can create a future where youth can realise their full potential and social media platforms can be used for positive change rather than as a means of self-promotion and validation.

11. School, parental, and peer pressure

School positions are not necessary; Those numbers instil unhealthy competition among students. Instead of children competing against themselves, they are pushed to compete with each other. 

A student should be encouraged to push himself harder to get better grades, not in comparison with another student. Teachers should do as much as possible to adopt learner-centred teaching so that each student receives the attention they crave.

Parents should learn to accept their children when they fail. We should know our capabilities and not push ourselves and our wards to be what we can’t be. I know it’s hard to accept defeat or reward failure, but that is the moment when self-love and support are needed most. If we know we did our best, we should not be disappointed. 

Parents should stop comparing siblings. Each child has his/her unique quality. A child lacking intellectual intelligence may score higher in emotional or social intelligence. Let’s focus on our highs instead of our lows.

When the storm is over, parents or guardians can discuss with the kids how to do better, with a reward or promise that will make the kid want to do better. We elders must learn to discourage cheating and encourage integrity and self-acceptance.

Aisha Musa Auyo is a Doctorate researcher in Educational Psychology, a wife, a mother of three, a Home Maker, a caterer and a parenting/ relationship coach.

By Maryam Idris Bappa

Introduction

It was May 2023, and as I surfed the net for ideas on how to spend children’s day with my family, I imagined that my parents had likely not undergone this dilemma. I also realised it had been a decade since I considered myself part of Children’s Day. But, of course, I had once been a child, and I had once been celebrated. This prompted me to take a trip down memory lane to recall my childhood experiences.

The fact is that as of the early 2000s, there was no internet, to begin with. There were hardly any mobile phones in Nigeria or GSM,  as it was referred to back then. So scouting the net for activities was not a practice. Moreover, it was in the mid-2000s that landlines were domestically replaced with the GSM. So any planned activity had to be offline. And the news had to travel within a certain social circle.

News of any fancy activity was restricted to fancy neighbourhood kids who had arranged visits to fancy kids’ fairs, amusement parks and the rest of the hullabaloo typical of the elite social classes in their well-laid-out residences.

As for me, living in a neighbourhood of people from different socio-economic backgrounds meant I had to mingle with what was available. The only place where Children’s Day stimulated jubilee was the Western cultured school I attended outside the neighbourhood. This is because a foreigner co-founded it. The school organised march pasts by carefully selected participants who were expected to participate in school for the parade that day. The rest of us were given leave to remain home as a public holiday.

As one of the children staying home on Children’s Day, I vividly have no recollection of any activity significant to the occasion. Both my parents were working-class citizens who were exempted from the break. Nonetheless, any day off school was never a day wasted. Aside from that, the neighbourhood I grew up in comprised families of different social classes. Some with more exposure than others. That was where my home stood.

My Home

I lived in a few places in my childhood right before teenagerhood. But where my earliest conscious and vivid memories sprouted was from the age of five, when we moved to Gyallesu, Makama Road Zaria. There we lived until I became a decade old.

As mentioned earlier, my neighbourhood, Gyallesu, was a mixed neighbourhood of different socio-economic classes of families.

My home, a semi-detached three-bedroom duplex, comprised four families of similar cultural lineage. Like many post-colonial houses, the design had all rooms opening to living and dining quarters. With an indoor kitchen opening to a backdoor. There were also boys’ quarters of tenants of different ethnic groups, many of whom were students of an  FCE nearby. 

There was also a businesswoman who was very fond of me. As a tiringly interrogative child, I would arrest her time immediately when she returned from a journey and eagerly listened to her travelogues while munching on her gifts. She was good company, and I would spend many times in her single bedroom.

The other rooms that housed male student tenants were off-limits on adult orders. I was allowed only polite hellos, and any long conversation had to happen in the compound, under the vast open sky. The reason, which I assume many of you will know. But that is a different topic.

I also had friends within my compound.  The family we shared a wall with had a daughter roughly my age. We would play together in the mix,  attend Islamiyya, and sort out our differences. She was my best friend, and we would explore the neighbourhood outside the confines of our sizeable green-gated compound.

My Neighbourhood

Outside the compound of my home was a street I was not familiar with the name of. This access road ran abreast of my house to the east and west, joining the FCE and Makama roads.

Therefore, my closest neighbours were those along the same access road, on the same and opposite lane. Most houses there were working-class families whose children attended the same school as mine. We would sometimes go together or return the same. On the opposite lane was a polygamous home, a shop, a pharmacy and other homes. The families there were a bit different from ours. Quite content to keep to themselves.

The heart of Gyallesu was the Makama road, which stood perpendicular to one end of our street and was a tarred road bustling with majorly commercial activities. Along it stood provision stores, pharmacies, tailoring shops and a community school. Naturally, children attending the school would face a certain stigma and sometimes object of whispered ridicule by the more affluent kids. But how could the bullies have understood that those kids enjoyed decent education,  closer proximity and cheaper fees?

An essential presence in Gyallesu stood at the end of Makama Road. It was called the Banadeen gate, a security entrance gate to our neighbourhood. One that would be helpful in incidental unrest when the notorious Shi’a leader, also a resident of our neighbourhood, put up personal defences right at the gate. The Shiite presence would pose an internal threat constantly to the residents, yet a comfort during the external invasion. Moreover, the gate would only admit workers after clear identification, an added security point.

So, the neighbourhood contained most of the basic amenities necessary for daily activities. Moreover, security was good, and education was also an integral factor, for at its borders were the Ahmadu Bello University Kongo and the FCE.

One thing was sure. Gyallesu, in the early 2000s, was a very good neighbourhood with room for everyone. Its secure atmosphere allowed children to mingle freely within its streets. In those times, the best memories of my childhood were engraved.

The Chronicles

The choice of the word ‘Chronicle was indeed intentional. For in a child’s mind, the memories that stand out the most were those with the most adventure and mischief.

To say there were many memories of my childhood in Gyallesu is understated. But in the turbulence of these memories, as they filled my head with the sweet nectar of satisfaction, were memories that would corner a smile on my lips for one reason or another. Few among them were our play territories, Quranic learning school, extra-curricular activities and my earliest personal achievements.

1. Play territories

The first thing you should know about children playing in a neighbourhood is that their guardians always set limits or boundaries. The rush, unfortunately, was on breaking them.

Beyond our approved area of play, we would speedily cycle beyond the approved speed limit considered safe by our parents. This violation did not stop at going beyond approved distances but also to dangerous places.

Remember the water hole Simba and Nala went to after being told strictly by Mufasa not to? Yes, we could take our freshly air-pumped bicycles down dangerously steep slopes to go to a river our parents were likely not aware of its existence, spending hours practising jaw-dropping dares.

Thinking of the imagined thrashing we would get if caught was not worthy of stopping us. So we went anyway.

Children will be children.

2. Quranic learning school.

Mischief can be found everywhere, even in the least likely place. My compound friend and I were no exception.

Off Makama Road, we would take the road to our Islamiyya on foot, happily crunching at our remaining break funds we used to buy local delicacies and eat during lessons, which was, of course, frowned upon by teachers.

But the biggest mischief we would put up was finding a reason to race home after lessons. We ensured this by looking for trouble from one person or the other, who clownishly chased us off before my friend’s brother intervened and then threatened to report us back at home. But we would call off his bluff as we thought we also did him a favour by giving him a chance to play the hero of saving us.

We would hide any bruises gained from the ordeal from our parents to prevent further chastise.

3. Extra-Curricular Activities

When I say extracurricular activities, I imagine something productive we would engage in outside school and play.  

For me, this came as a collective effort by the children of my compound to engage in agricultural activities. We all painstakingly participated in planting mangoes and yams for our imagined consumption shortly. But, alas, our dream was to be short-lived as the neighbourhood goat would intervene and eat up our young sprouts, despite our attempts of barbed wire-fencing the young shoots.

This planted anger in our hearts and enacted our intentions for revenge. But, as fate would have it, the accused goat was caught in action. We took turns torturing the goat, which I would not explain. But in the end, it avoided our territory, and we never planted again.

Thinking of the incident brings satisfaction and shame to my now-adult mind. I have learned that the best memories may not always be the strongest but also the worst.

4. Personal Achievements

Above age five, I was beyond being celebrated for milestones. It had to come from something I did in school, at home, or religiously. This memory was from my first attempt at fasting.

At the age of 8, my competitive nature, typical of children, pushed me into attempting 13 hours without food or water.

As a first-timer, the hailing of my siblings and peers got me through the first 10 hours before my biological clock ticked time for protest.

I fought against all pleas and threats to complete the last hour of my fast. Fortunately for me, the Adhan for breaking fast was called just as the silver cup of pap I downed after finishing a plate of Akara touched the table. My mother declared that my fast was valid against the adverse remarks of my disappointed peers.

If you are wondering why I consider this a personal achievement. It is because I think my trial is my most outstanding achievement. The fact that I had not allowed myself to be peer-pressured into my self-prophesied untimely demise was a testament to my strong will and independence.

Conclusion.

Children’s Day may be celebrated differently among different generations. But every childhood is unique per individual.

Now a mother, the childhood I envision for my children is one I hope that someday they remember and cherish the experiences and lessons gained from it.

Happy children’s day to all the children, youth, adults and aged.

Maryam Idris Bappa can be contacted via bappamaryam6@gmail.com.

By Muhammad Muhammad Khalil

Marriages built on love, affection and mercy are expected to last forever. But, unfortunately, whilst some marriages crash in infancy, others spanning for decades end up in divorce, too. The psychological trauma children of those failed marriages experience due to their parent’s separation is deep and enormous, negatively affecting their physical and mental health.

In most cases, the love lost between ex-couples shifts to their children. Both the mother and father show unconditional love and care for them, for love of one’s progeny is an inborn disposition in humans and animals.

Despite this, there are pockets of male parents in our society who decline to provide sustenance for their children once the split occurs. They, sadly, leave their ex-wives and their families with the burden of fending for their seeds. Instead, the wives’ families, stacked with their backbreaking responsibilities, bid their daughters to take the matter to court.

It is profoundly depressing how our Sharia courts are flooded with such cases (as mentioned above). I have seen multiple men go to jail for failure to comply with court orders, namely, to give their ex-wives the measly amount designated for the sustenance and upkeep of their children.

From what I have learnt thus far, some men defaulted not because they could not afford it but rather due to their fall-out with their ex-wives, the children’s mothers. The innocent kids usually take a back seat thanks to the resentment the father harbours against the mother. To treat their ex-wives harshly, they deprive their children of their necessities. One wonders: what benefit do such men draw from putting their kids’ lives in misery and danger?

The situation of some divorcees is both worrisome and pathetic. Many have become frequent court-goers because their kids’ fathers are reluctant to relieve the burden. Scores of children of failed marriages suffer significantly because the wrangling between their parents barely stops. The kids’ welfare stays truncated as a result.

My plea to such men is to fear Allah (SWT). And remember that the children they’re endowed with are a trust for which they’ll account. Their children have rights and responsibilities upon them.

As the prophetic saying goes: “All of you are guardians and are responsible for your charges; a man is a guardian of his family and is responsible for his charge.”

Muhammad Muhammad Khalil wrote this via muhdmuhdkhalil@gmail.com.

By Hajara Shehu Esq.

A broken marriage can have adverse effects on the custody of children. In many cases, when a marriage ends, the focus of each partner is solely on how to hurt the other, regardless of the impact on their innocent children.

Nowadays, custody of children has become a weapon of choice in this scenario. As a result, the battling parties are often blinded by fury and anger, sacrificing their children’s well-being in the process.

Unfortunately, the person fighting for custody may not have a conducive environment to raise the child/children. The primary objective is simply to separate the child/children from the other parent as a token of hatred. The main problem is that whoever wins the custody case often destroys the child/children’s lives. In most cases, the child loses the love, care, and affection of the parent who lost the case due to anger, and the parent who wins may not offer the best life for the child.

For instance, if the father wins custody, he may not be married and may live with an elderly mother. In this situation, the child/children often wander around without proper and adequate care. In another scenario, the father may be married and take the child/children to a stepmother. However, this can lead to complete abandonment from the stepmother due to the father’s attitude and behaviour, overprotectiveness, and unending interference.

Similarly, if the mother wins custody, the father may neglect the child/children and completely surrender them to the mother. Unfortunately, most mothers from less privileged families or orphans may find it difficult to meet all the financial needs of the child/children.

While credit is given where it is due, a mother always tries her best until she remarries and has other children. Then, the children will automatically suffer the same fate as above, except in favourable situations where the mother is privileged.

Leaving a child/children to their maternal/paternal grandmother is not a bad thing. However, it is not the best option considering the grandmother’s age and the need for a child to have love, closeness, and affection to be a good individual. The most disturbing circumstance is when both parents are married and have other children, and the child/children are left alone under the care of their dearest grandmother. In such cases, the child/children become hardened by circumstances and are forced to grow faster than their age.

Every child needs to be allowed to grow according to their age in love, care, and affection. Every child deserves the love, respect, and affection of both parents. It is not a privilege but a huge responsibility placed on them by Allah, the Most High, which they shall account for. The Prophet (PBUH) said we are all shepherds and shall account for it on the last day.

Many victims of broken marriages have grown up to become drug addicts, thugs, armed robbers, thieves, and engaged in many other crimes. Love, care, and affection are the foundation of a good individual. Where these are lost, most children go astray except those that Allah guides.

It is disheartening to witness parents cursing, abusing, and calling each other names while holding each other responsible. However, the truth is that these kinds of parents are equally and jointly responsible.

In conclusion, no matter how a marriage ends, Allah’s precious gifts (children) are not the reason and should be kept away from battles. Instead, parents should allow each other to play various roles in the child/children’s life. Relationships might end, but the child/children’s relationship with the ex-partner will forever remain. Children deserve a good life filled with love, care, and affection; parents should ensure they have it!

Hajara can be reached via Hbshehu301@gmail.com.

By Tijjani Muhammad Musa

I left the house without taking breakfast or even a bath in order to meet an 8:00 am appointment with the rest of our SWS.Comms production crew. A client has brought in an advert for emergency production and airing on the radio against an event scheduled to take place the next day, Saturday morning, by 10:00 am after the monthly Sanitation exercise.

The heavy traffic of Adaidaita Sahu, private vehicles, motorcycles, and so on State Road was highly discouraging as I turned into it from Maiduguri Road. Quickly calculating my other options, I thought of taking alternative routes to steer me away from the delay most likely to occur if I should get trapped in the traffic mess.

However, thinking positively and hoping for the best, I still drove into the snailing jam of vehicles. Soon, however, I saw an opening on the side of the road accommodating a trickle of cars and the ever-daring tricycle riders. Now being in a bit of a hurry, I instinctively branched into that flow. 

This gave me and many others the opportunity to cut off almost three-quarters of the “go-slow” that was caused due to road repairs, maintenance and renovation work going on on the roads as a result of adverse effects of heavy rainfall witnessed in the city in recent time. 

So many of the roads in the metropolis have turned into shallow graves and potholes, forcing many drivers to demonstrate their driving skills and dexterity, with pedestrians expressing their anger and annoyance once in a while from getting splashed with dirty potholed rainwater.

As I slowly snake through the engaging challenge, turning my head side to side to check the distance between me and the line up of tricycles to my left, I suddenly saw her in one of the Adaidaita and couldn’t help but stare. While briefly looking at it, I at that same time sensed myself being stared at. So I checked to see who was poring his or her eyes over me.

It was a much younger woman sitting next to the person who had caught my rapt attention. Clearly, she was wondering why my face lightened up and suddenly saddened again upon seeing the old woman sitting calmly by her side. 

To douse her fears, I lowered my car window, pointed at the old woman and loudly said, “She reminds me of my mother, who is now late. May her soul be blessed and rest in peace.” I whispered the supplication to my hearing only.

The younger woman, now relaxed and with a slight smile, said, “Allaah Sarki. Allaah Ya jik’anta da rahama” and I said, “Amin thumma amin” as tears wheeled up my eyes. I quickly got hold of myself as I averted the gaze of both the woman as well as the okada rider, whose attention had now turned to me.

I looked at the old woman intently once again and realized that she didn’t actually look like my Hajia in any way except for her height and the frail, wrinkled body characteristic of old women in their octagenarian stage of life. She was looking absent-mindedly into a future that none could tell what it was her mind’s eye was seeing or thinking.

Once again, tears overwhelmed me, for I could remember clearly the same kind of look on the face of my mother. She didn’t want to die due to the uncertainties that lay ahead. But then, none can avert its coming to pass, as it is a promise that must be fulfilled.

This is because Allaah AWJ Says in the Qur’an, “Kullu nafsin za ikatul maut” – Every soul must taste of death (Q3:185). So we all must eventually bow out. When, where, why, by what or how none of us knows. Thus by the 1001 ways and more to die, we all must become deceased.

I felt for her as I did feel for Hajia then whenever I saw that worrisome look registered on her face. I would immediately want to do something to distract her attention so as to change her mood for the lighter from such disturbing thoughts. 

Suddenly without thinking, I reached into the pigeon hole in front of my dashboard and fetched out some money I usually keep there in case of an emergency and asked the Adaidaita rider how much was the cost of the ride. He told me, and I handed much more than the amount to him, telling him to give her the change.

The old woman looked at me and smiled. She was pleased with what I did and waved her two palms at me in thanks, and all of a brief flash, I saw my mother in her. It was a beautiful sight. The younger woman with her was also happy and prayed fervently for me as I drove off.

Then by Allaah SWT, the dam broke, and I started crying, in the wonder of what my mother might be going through, wherever she might be at that moment. There and then, I started praying to Allaah AWJ to please forgive her, whatever wrong she might have done while alive and bail her from anybody’s haqqi if she has done them wrong. 

That my Lord and Maker should please compensate whoever she owes, whatever it might be and set her soul free in Barzakh, pending when she will be admitted into Jannah and His AWJ’s much sought after Grace. Fortunately, I’ve dreamt of her 3 times already. She’s doing alright, bi iznilLaahi.

In one of such dream, we were at an occasion with Prof. Yusuf Adamu, and she came to the place. So I excitedly introduced her to him. As he respectfully greeted her and started thanking her for me, she said to him, smiling, “A’a haba ai mu ne da godiya”. More tears tore into my composure like a small child.

I had to stop myself as passersby were beginning to stare at me, wondering and whispering to each other what they thought was wrong with me. Though I never liked the idea of tinting off my car windows since I have nothing to hide, for a change, I wished I had done so, so I could indulge and enjoy my emotional outburst in full privacy. 

It’s not every day that such grace from Allaah happens to me. Anyway, I pray that all our parents who have died be in better existing conditions, wherever they may be right now than when they were here living on earth. 

May all other mothers and fathers be similarly forgiven for their wrongs, mistakes and shortcomings. Allaahumma amin thumma amin.

By Abdullahi Abubakar Lamido

Introduction

In today’s Nigeria, we experience a rapidly growing population at an average rate of 3% per annum. We currently have about 220 million citizens and still counting. Our population is projected to reach nearly 400 million in the next 28 years. It is factual also that the population growth is much higher in the Muslim communities of Northern Nigeria than in other communities in both the North and the South.

Due to many reasons, foremost among which is the widespread practice of Islamically permissible polygyny, our population grows exponentially. At the same time, little is done to plan the expansion of infrastructure and provide alternative ways of coping with the needs of the expanding population. An average Northern Nigerian man likes and practices polygyny (i.e. marries more than one wife). In addition, family planning and birth control are generally considered taboos. Families are, therefore, mostly large.

While the population is supposed to be a blessing, it can also be a curse if not well managed. It is clear also that most of the Muslim masses and a large chunk of the Muslim leaders, intellectuals and even religious scholars are oblivious of the long term consequences of an ever-growing population that is not matched with a corresponding sharī’ah-compliant solid plan for taking care of the education, health, food and other socioeconomic and religio-spiritual needs of the expanding population.

While few are partly aware of some of the projections related to population growth vis-à-vis the socioeconomic and other realities, we are largely oblivious of the need to develop Islamic oriented ways of building the society and coping with the socioeconomic challenges associated with our growing population and exponentially changing societal dynamics. Therefore, the issue can quickly become controversial during any discussion.

But a society that accepts, based on an interpretation of religious teachings and cultural beliefs, that polygamy – rather polygyny – should be widely practised and even encouraged should also be a society that always goes back to the scripture for proper guidance on how to manage polygamous families. Since, as a religious Ummah, we have accepted what Islam has provided for us of the permissibility of having many children, is it not also Islamically incumbent upon us to go back to the Qur’an and Sunnah to learn how to organise the social, educational, economic and other needs of our families? Within this context, I intend to introduce family waqf, an almost entirely unknown Islamic institution for organising and planning the prosperity of families in Nigeria.  

Unpleasant Consequences of Life without Planning

How often have you heard stories that end with statements like: “Allahu Akbar! Late Alhaji Adamu was a wealthy person, a kind, gentle, and successful businessman. But look at how his children are suffering…”; or “Can you remember Alhaji Mai-Turare: the owner of XYZ Business at Tudun Muntsira quarters? Do you know that this hopeless drug addict is his son! He dropped out of school and joined a team of hooligans…Allah ya sa mu gama da duniya lafiya (May we have a good end in this world)”. And similar stories?!

Those are recurrent stories in Northern Nigeria. You have several successful entrepreneurs or accomplished aristocrats and professionals who reached the zenith of fortune in their chosen businesses and professions and lived lives of accomplishment and contribution. However, shortly after their demise, their estates would be shared among their 30 heirs; four wives, over 20 children, etc. After a few years, those inheritors of enormous wealth would fall from the world of prosperity to that of harsh poverty.

Many people would be rich, with an ever-expanding flow of income in the booming years of their careers. Still, they would never think of making a sustainable investment for the future prosperity of their children, not even for their life after retirement. After the family has grown large, inflation has multiplied manifold, and life has become unbearably expensive against their sources of income which have rather contracted due to age and other factors; they turn from affluence to poverty, battling to settle even the most basic of their bills. They neither invested for their retirement nor made an ever-flowing investment for their second life, the eternal life after death.

They have no passive investments that generate income for them at old age, nor a waqf (endowment) that would continue to fetch them rewards even while in their graves. They have no plan for what would sustainably finance their family’s education, health, and other essential needs. And so the worst happens. And the whistle is blown for their final, inevitable transition to the next world, leaving their family in economic and financial confusion, which often spirals into other messes in the spiritual, social and mental spheres. Soon after dearth, history forgets them as they have left nothing that continues to fetch them rewards and people’s prayers, not even for their immediate family.

The Importance of Making a Financial Plan

But why is it essential to make a financial plan for your children’s and family’s future prosperity? Does that have any place in Islam? Sa’d b. Abu Waqqas was an uncle to the Prophet (peace be upon him). He was among the ten topmost companions that received glad tiding of a direct entry ticket to Paradise in one sitting. He was rich. Actually, very rich.

One day, during the farewell pilgrimage, the Prophet visited Sa’d on his sickbed. After exchanging greetings, Sa’d told the Prophet that I am seriously ill, as you can see. He apparently was doubtful of surviving that illness. He said, “And I am a very rich person, but there is no one to inherit my wealth except a single daughter.” He then asked if he could give two-thirds of his wealth to charity, leaving one-thirds for the daughter. The Prophet instantly replied with a quick “No”. “What of half?” The Prophet again said, “NO”! What of one-thirds?” Now, here is where the Prophet reluctantly approved by saying, “One-third! Even one-third is huge and too much”. Anyway, the Prophet followed this with a statement that deserves the attention of parents at all times; “It is better to die leaving your heirs in affluence than to leave them in poverty, so they continue begging people for alms”. 

Many lessons abound in the above conversation of great personalities. One, piety and affluence are never mutually exclusive; you can be profoundly pious and superlatively prosperous. Two, connected to this, enjoying worldly opulence does not preclude enjoying everlasting other earthly felicity. In fact, worldly riches are effective instruments for attaining success in the next world. This is clear in the stories of great companions like Abubakar Siddiq, Uthman Bin Affan, Abdurrahman and, of course, Sa’ad.

Significantly also, you can plan all of these for your loved ones beginning with your children and wives. Not only you can; you have to! This is Prophetic advice, if not an order. The Prophet (may peace be upon him) made it impermissible for a person, especially while bidding farewell to the world, having no chance on sight to go to the market and earn more resources from gifting out his fortunes lest he throws them into poverty after him.

In simple terms, what the Prophet wanted from us is to plan for making our children self-reliant, self-sufficient and socio-economically empowered. With this, instead of being dependent, they will be independent. We should try making them givers, not receivers, assets rather than liabilities. Ask yourself, if not for empowering the deceased person’s posterity, why would the Sharī’ah even prescribe the inheritance laws in the first place? And in the Hadith of Sa’d above, the Prophet wants us to understand that the philosophy behind inheritance itself is to plan for the sustainable prosperity and economic independence of the deceased’s heirs; leaving them with sufficient inheritable resources to make them rich (agniya’) as against poor (alah).  

Abdullahi Abubakar Lamido, Chairman, Zakah and Waqf Foundation, Gombe . He can be reached via lamidomabudi@gmail.com.

By Musa Yerima Marcha

Dear parents,

If you don’t sit with your children, you will never know who they truly are and what they are capable of doing as they grow up. A caring parent typically raises a reasonable and wonderful ward.

How bad it’s nowadays that most of you don’t have time for your children, listen to them, allow them to confide in them, know exactly how they feel, or most importantly what happens in their inner self help them where necessary.

You should know that your duty is far beyond bringing food to the table and sending children off to school, as we used to see in the Hausa/Fulani culture. So it’s pretty lamentable how raising children is seriously challenging to parents today.

Of course, the brainbox of the house is supposed to be a father, not a mother. Nevertheless, you can count on the mother when the brainbox has objectively projected the way he envisioned his family. Then, the mother should arguably take off the task by adding value and making it a reality.

You can’t just wake up all morning as a father, set up for work to cater to the family, and unfortunately not have any good plan toward building a happy, prosperous, productive, and reliable family. Remember that they say, “When you fail to plan, you plan to fail.”

Many of you ignore bad things committed by your children simply because you don’t know them. When, at some point in life, children are capable of doing the impossible because they grew up being unattended by their parent, and that’s the very reason the influence of peer groups hit them harder.

Try to nurture your children for good. The truth is that; the productive children you see out there were not born out of negligence; their parents stood for them, they mean business at every stage of their lives, and you can so do it if at all you are ready.

If you want your children to be resourceful, you should brace up and never settle for an ordinary child upbringing. Instead, you must go for an extra.

Musa Yerima Marcha sent this article via mmyerimamarcha@gmail.com.