By Abubakar Aliyu
I discussed with a friend about the woman that stabbed her husband to death, and this part of her opinion makes me ponder deeply about our society; “Living with the identity, “the woman that stabbed her husband” when she was just a woman who did not want to be in the marriage to start with.”
I can never trust the sanity of a man who forces himself on a woman that made it clear in the first place that she does not want to be with him. I think only delusional and toxic men—purported alpha men—will find it normal to subdue a woman into marriage despite being vivid that she is not into it.
And you wonder why the same woman you forced into a marriage lets loose of her survival instinct, ignoring all rational and objective views, therefore, prepared to perpetrate unbelievable atrocities to “escape”. At this juncture, nobody cares to come to her aid until what could have been averted—by peacefully ending the marriage—has happened, a society that incited it will be pointing fingers at her.
I understand that no amount of pressure can justify the action of a woman who stabbed her husband to death. But the fundamental driving forces of this preventable menace largely boil down to societal pressure. Society coerces women to accept that being in a marriage—no matter how abusive and toxic it gets—is the best thing that could ever happen to her as a woman.
Islamically, marriage affords a man to marry as many women as he is allowed—not beyond four. To a woman, marriage is a world she is allowed to live in for the rest of her life with one man only. So imagine living the rest of your life with someone you do not love or whom you once loved but turned out to be toxic and abusive! To have a simulation of a woman living in a toxic or forced marriage, picture yourself stuck in a pit latrine for the rest of your life.
Marriage is supposed to be a willing union of mutual love, tolerance, and respect between a man and a woman. Whenever any party insists on separating, it suggests that some or all of these three ingredients are short-changed beyond repair. That is why when couples are in crisis, one thing society needs to do is hear the concerns of both parties and intervene with no intention to subdue anyone to the detriment of the other.
Even when they do not reciprocate, chivalry toward women is a virtue of a gentleman. But it is good you know when a woman runs out of love for you and makes it clear that she wants to leave. Acknowledge and respect her feelings and yourself and let her go—unless you are not a gentleman. Humans fall in and out of love for several reasons, and it is normal because many of these reasons do not necessarily have to do with you in the first place—it is not your fault.
As a woman entangled in a forced or toxic marriage, know that you are faced with two evils—resorting to violence which you will live to regret, or leaving the marriage against all odds. Always choose the lesser evil, which is to, by any means, end the marriage. It is always better they describe you as a woman who refused to stay married than as a murderer.
To put it briefly, as long as the willingness to form a marriage union is not mutual, or the couple does not see any reason to stay in the marriage, the society—this includes parents, guardians, and religious and traditional leaders—has to respect their decision and let them go their separate way without trying to judge or bully any one of them into staying for the sake of their children. It is easier for children to live with the trauma of a broken home than with the unsettling fact that their mother killed their father.
Dear gentlemen and others (self-acclaimed alpha men), ask yourselves, do you want to get married or marred? A word is enough for the wise!
Abubakar Aliyu wrote via abubakaraliyu599@gmail.com.
