By Sa’adatu Aliyu
After many years, I’m regaining confidence and enthusiasm for writing. I’m rediscovering my passion for writing about international politics and exploring social issues. I’m also relearning to recognise the value of my voice, which was silenced by a relationship that eroded my self-esteem and stole my confidence.
During this time, I developed a crippling writing paralysis. I stopped writing four years ago due to the negative feedback from people I respected, who made me feel small and unworthy for holding unconventional views.
Among other things, I questioned the prevalent notion that Self-love/Self-care is a wholesome psychological practice essential for a progressive society. I’ve been sceptical, as this idea profoundly focuses on the self, and I refused to be swayed by ostracism or criticism for holding this view. Instead, I dug deeper, unwilling to be uprooted from my stance, not because it was comfortable, but because I believed, to a large extent, that the concept of self-love/self-care, or whatever name it’s given, is fundamentally flawed.
Over the past six years or so, it’s become common to scroll through social media and come across numerous ads, write-ups in the form of poetry, self-help books, blog posts and tweets promoting the idea that people should prioritise their own needs above others, essentially encouraging selfishness. While this concept isn’t harmful when practised in moderation, the self-love movement is being exploited by many today.
Originally intended to bring balance to our fast-paced world, particularly for individuals who find joy in the act of servitude or serving others and often go the extra mile in caring for them (who, in my opinion, should be the primary target of this concept if at all it must be used), self-love has been hijacked by some individuals who use it as an excuse for their irresponsibility, lack of basic manners, and refusal to take responsibility for their egregious behaviour, all under the guise of ‘protecting their mental health’.
This trend has become so pervasive that it’s flooding every media feed and being injected into our books and movies. The idea that we should prioritise our desires above others is promoted as a societal necessity for progress and individual self-satisfaction. However, I strongly disagree. I believe our existence is inherently linked to others—there is no ‘us’ without ‘them’ and no ‘me’ without ‘you’.
There’s a saying that goes:
“Nothing in nature exists solely for itself. Rivers don’t drink their own water, trees don’t eat their own fruits, and the sun doesn’t shine just for itself. A flower’s fragrance isn’t just for itself. Living for each other is the rule of nature. And to this, I firmly subscribe.
When I first encountered this campaign to normalise selfishness to achieve happiness and fulfilment, I found it strange, as it contradicted my values. Initially, I didn’t think much of it, but later, I realised the severity of its implications. While many agree that self-love is the key to growth and a happy, fulfilling life, I believe this idea is not only counterproductive but also leads us down a destructive path. And I’d like to explain why.
Allah says, ‘Nothing satisfies the son of Adam except dust.’ This verse highlights humans’ inherently selfish and sometimes greedy nature, suggesting that without the compulsion of religious commands to care for one another through charitable obligations—which can include both monetary and non-monetary assistance—humans would hoard everything for themselves.
Prophet Muhammed (SAW) also said: feel the pain of the Ummah. The parable of a believer in their love, compassion, and mercy for one another is like a body – when one limb aches, the whole body reacts with sleeplessness. Whoever wants to be in Allah’s shade should help their brother in difficulty or waive a loan. (Sunan Ibn Majah 2414, Sahih Hadith according to Albani)
Similarly, Prophet Muhammad (S.A.W) said, “Allah says the people most beloved to Allah are those beneficial to people. And the most beloved deed to Allah is to make a Muslim happy, remove one of his troubles, forgive his debt, or feed his hunger.”
I know it’s easy to get caught up in the trend and challenging to stand alone in a room where everyone shares the same opinion, especially when I hold a vastly different view. However, after facing social anxiety and fear of being the sole dissenting voice, I’m proud to say that I was brave enough to resist the pressure to conform.
From the outset, I recognised capitalism, even when disguised in a radiant and well-packaged costume, as the destructive force it is to our society. Moreover, I believe that the global campaign for Self-love/ self-care has become a conduit for capitalism to spread its influence into our lives, eroding the foundation of the family unit and community. In a recent post by Joan Westernberg, writer of the article, When Does Self-care Become Narcissism? Says:
“You can’t pour from an empty cup.”
“Put your own oxygen mask on first.”
“Self-care isn’t selfish.”
These platitudes have become the mantras of our age, repeated ad nauseam in Instagram posts, motivational posters, and countless self-help books. They sound wise, compassionate, even revolutionary. After all, who could argue against taking care of yourself?
What started as a well-intentioned movement to promote mental health and work-life balance has morphed into something far more insidious — the narcissistic pursuit of the self, a socially acceptable excuse for selfishness, wrapped in the guise of wellness.”
We’ve become so self-absorbed that rendering help to others is seen as too costly to our mental health, even when it won’t harm us. We’re extremely calculative about who we give our time and energy to an unreasonable extent. Recently, someone tweeted, “I can’t be friends with a sickle cell individual because being with them is so draining.” This is what capitalism entails – monetising everything, making us prioritise only what fetches us money in the short or long run while abandoning opportunities to be human.
Capitalism, masked as self-love/self-care, teaches us that caring for others is okay only if it comes with a paycheck. But when we render the same service for free, it’s seen as draining, misplacing our energy, and dishonest. How can one possibly care for others for free?! There must be a hidden motive. Capitalism has reduced us to mere machines, making us robots and labelling any display of humanness as fake just because it doesn’t come with a price tag:
If we must spend time with a friend, the first question is not whether they’re a good person, wise, or make us happy but what monetary value they add to our lives. If none, the relationship isn’t worth having. Capitalism is making us less compassionate under the guise of stoicism and “self-care/self-love.” We’re told we don’t need people; if people need us, they’re weak or too emotional.
Mark you, I’m not condemning psychology as entirely flawed, but I contest the aspect of modern psychology that promotes selfishness as the solution to saving the world. How can increasing selfishness create a better world? Despite my differing beliefs leading to isolation by friends who easily embraced this concept, I’ve always asked for a convincing answer. If I received one, I’d be willing to conform, but I’m reluctant because this idea contradicts my values and the fundamental principle of human creation – sacrifice, not selfishness.
I’ve struggled to reconcile this concept of selfishness with my religion, Islam. Consider the sacrifice of Prophet Jesus (AS), who faced persecution while trying to spread God’s word. Similarly, Prophet Muhammad (SAW) was insulted, spat at, and stoned for spreading Islam worldwide.
A notable account is that of Caliph Ali and his wife Fatima, who had only a date to break their fast after enduring long hours of fasting. However, when a beggar cried outside their gate, they gave up their last piece of date fruit despite their hunger. As a result, they received praise and honour from God Almighty. If this isn’t selflessness, I don’t know what is.
Dr A’id al-Qarni’s book You Can Be the Happiest Woman in the World tells the story of a woman who searched for her lost son for years. While waiting for his return, she prayed constantly. However, years passed, and her son never came back.
But one fateful day, the woman had just cut a piece of bread from a loaf when a beggar cried out. Disturbed, she quickly removed the piece from her mouth, reattached it to the loaf, and then handed it over to the beggar. Consequently, God returned her son home to her.
Another account tells of a man travelling to visit his Muslim brother in another city. Along the way, he met an angel who asked about his quest. The man explained that he was visiting his brother, and the angel asked if he owed his brother money or if his brother needed help. The man replied that he was simply visiting his brother out of love. The angel was amazed and told the man that he would be granted heaven for his selfless act.
These anecdotes illustrate selflessness. In contrast, I’ve never heard of anyone in history being praised or immortalised for being selfish, prioritising themselves at the expense of others. Selfishness has been labelled a bad trait in both my religion and historical records of human achievements.
So, just because selfishness is part of modern psychological teachings doesn’t make it entirely wholesome. Consider how often scientific discoveries, initially hailed as breakthroughs, are later withdrawn from the market due to unforeseen risks to human life. This highlights the importance of reevaluating our values and questioning the promotion of selfishness as a virtue.
As previously stated, this is not to condemn psychology as a whole but rather to encourage self-reflection on the ideas presented to us. We should conclude instead of unquestioningly accepting everything we’re told simply because it’s labelled as “wholesome” or endorsed by a group of people or high-profile individuals like celebrities we admire.
The concept of self-love being marketed to us like Santa Claus may not be what it seems. Perhaps it’s an agenda driven by a group of people seeking to gain trillions of dollars by promoting this ideology, which aims to create a world of divided, isolated individuals on a quest for ultimate happiness. Once they’ve succeeded in cutting people off from non-monetary or transactional relationships with family and friends, they can easily sell their products to those who have bought into this ideology.
In conclusion, let’s note that the idea of Self-love, however glamorous, revolutionary, or empowering it may seem, is like Santa Claus on Christmas night – a tempting treat that can ultimately harm us. Just as too much sugar can harm our bodies, excessive Self-love can damage our relationships and society. Capitalism may appear glossy, offering wealth and material possessions.
Still, it comes at the cost of meaningful relationships, leading to severe loneliness in our societies, as seen in the West and South Korea. As author Leila Aboulela aptly says, “Loneliness is Europe’s malaria.” Thus, individualism has never brought genuine progress to society, only hurt, mass psychosis, and depression. We need a balanced approach that prioritises self-love/self-care and caring for others rather than neglecting others to satisfy our desires, which can lead to greed and narcissism.
So, as an African who rejects the alien idea of Western capitalism and favours communal living, I’ll leave you with this wisdom from Mandela: Ubuntu means that one caters to one’s own needs while striving to meet the needs of others. It’s about balance, not neglect or excess. And I hope that before we wake up to capitalism’s impact, it has not already done irreparable damage to our world.
Sa’adatu Aliyu is a writer from Zaria. She is pursuing an M.A. in Literature at Ahmadu Bello University, where she also works as a lecturer at the Distance Learning Centre. Her writing interests include prose fiction and international politics. She can be reached at Saadatualiyu36@gmail.com.
