Male

By Dr Musab Isah Mafara 

I think Muslims need to be careful with this ‘alphaness’ ideology that some of our brothers are advocating among Northern Nigeria’s netizens. They seem to encourage men not to sympathize with women, especially their wives, and to show no empathy when dealing with these women entrusted with them as wives. Most of these views come from what is termed ‘taken the red pill,’ essentially, men who have been awakened from feminist delusion to the supposed reality that society is fundamentally misandrist and dominated by feminist values.

This is contrary to the teachings of Islam. And while ‘taken the red pill’ advocates go this extreme as a counter to the other extreme of feminist ideologies that openly promote rebellion and hate against the menfolk, both perspectives tend to be against the teachings of Islam, which expect Muslims to take the middle course, often. And although we see writings from some Muslim women in the North suggesting that they have imbibed these feminist ideologies, there is no justification for going the other extreme.

The Prophet (SAW) said women were created from the most crooked rib, and if you insist on straightening her, you will break her, which means to divorce her. He (SAW) taught Muslim men not to expect perfection from women. Even his wives, the mothers of the believers, were cautioned in the Qur’an on some of their behaviours towards the Prophet (SAW). How, then, could one expect perfection from other Muslim women?

Yes, Islam expects total obedience to husbands from women in what is not Haram, and a woman who fails to obey her husband is living in sin. She is to serve him and should not even go out of her home without his permission, among other duties. The Prophet (SAW), after an Eid prayer, went to the women’s side and informed them that one of the reasons that some of them may be taken to hellfire on the last day is their disobedience towards their husbands.

But as humans, some women will fail in fulfilling the rights of their husbands just as some men will fail in their responsibilities too. Some women are evil in their actions and treatment of their husbands, just as some men are next to Satan in the way they treat their wives. These are by no means reasons to hate on the womenfolk, in general, nor the men in toto.

Husbands, as leaders, are expected to be full of forgiveness and understanding and should show appreciation for the good side of their wives. Qur’an Chapter 30:21 says, “And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them, and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed, in that are signs for a people who give thought.” This is the way a couple should be seeing themselves.

Again, being kind, helpful, and emphatic to your wife is Sunnah. It is even commanded in the Qur’an, Chapter 4:19 says, “… And live with them in kindness …” The Prophet was helpful to his family in every way possible. He wasn’t washing plates nor sweeping the apartment every day as some Muslim women want to emphasize, but it is on record that he did help – maybe a few times. A Muslim man will earn rewards if he helps with the intention of following the Sunnah. He will earn rewards when he is helpful, kind, and generous to his wife(s). He (SAW) said the bests among you are those who are best to their wives.

A wise man once said to me that one of the ways to have a healthy marriage is to be as patient as possible with your wife when she fails to fulfil your rights (not adorning herself to your taste, for instance), but you should not ignore her actions when the rights of Allah are not fulfilled (for instance, when she is committing sins, you have to stop her because she is under your care and you will be asked by Allah). 

As Muslims, we do not ‘throw women on the street’, and our women do not ‘belong to the street’ regardless of how much we feel they wronged us. We call our wives even if they do not call us; we just assume they are busy with the children or work. We do not live in a tit-for-tat kind of setting with our spouses in which we take revenge for every wrong one does. We do our bit as Islam commands us, even if the other party is not reciprocating as they should. We believe this temporary world is a test, and we do our best to pass this test with the hope that Allah will reward us with the best of His Jannah in the hereafter.

Both men and women should learn from the Prophet’s teachings in their marital lives and not copy the tone of the ‘red-pilled.’ They are reacting to the misandry that they believe is prevalent in the Western world.

Musab Mafara, PhD, can be contacted via nmusabu@gmail.com.