Counselling

By Aisha Musa Auyo

I will begin my write-up with this Hadith: Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said, “Nothing is heavier on the believer’s scale on the Day of Judgment than good character.” (Sunan al-Tirmidh).

If we pay attention and are fair to ourselves, I bet you will realise that none of us is perfect. We all have areas in our lives where we excel, and we all have areas where we do not excel – or even fail. This will be true in your marital life as well. So, let us try to upgrade our character based on this fact.

Marriages collapse for many reasons. Some marriages and relationships go wrong because people fail to praise each other’s strengths and tend to criticise each other’s weaknesses. 

Let me tell you from experience. I love getting praise when I do something good, but if I totally blow something, I am already critical and upset enough with myself that I do not need my mate coming in and twisting the knife, so to speak. I am pretty sure everyone out there would agree with me on this. 

If you want to approach marriage the right way, you must generously praise each other, particularly when one excels at something, and use criticism sparingly when one flounders. Pray about the challenges and allow Allah, the Most High, to handle the work. 

Crushing your spouse’s soul will only push them away and never pull them toward you. When you see your spouse has messed something up, this is a time to draw them into your arms, hug them tight, and assure them everything will be okay. 

Marriage is teamwork, not competition, so learn to support and encourage each other. If you discover that you have strengths in areas where your spouse is weaker, take the lead in those aspects of the relationship and allow your partner to excel in what they do best. This synergy is achievable only in a healthy, selfless, progressive marriage.

If you both struggle in an area, agree to collaborate to address it. Learning to use this key effectively will create tremendous harmony in your relationship.

This formula can be applied beyond marital relationships. Any type of relationship can benefit from it, including those between parents and children, teachers and students, siblings, coworkers, or employers.

In a world where you can be anything…. choose positivity, compassion, empathy, and kindness. Remember, people may forget how you look, but they may never forget how you made them feel.

One more reason to be kind, encouraging, and compassionate is the hadith that the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said: “The best among you are those who have the best manners and character” (Sahih al-Bukhari).

Aisha Musa Auyo is a Doctorate researcher in Educational Psychology. A wife, a mother, a homemaker, caterer, parenting, and relationship coach. She can be reached via aishamuauyo@live.co.uk.

By Lawan Bukar Maigana

Unlike many other secondary school graduates who made their course choices based on advice received at a cafe during their JAMB/UTME registration, my decision-making process was different. I had clear aspirations when I graduated from secondary school, and nobody influenced my choices. I had always had a strong desire to pursue a career as a psychologist working in a psychiatric setting or as an outstanding journalist.

Unfortunately, the University of Maiduguri did not offer a psychology department, and financial constraints added to the challenges. Consequently, I chose Sociology and Anthropology as my first choice and Mass Communication as my second during my application years ago. However, I didn’t meet the cut-off mark for admission into Unimaid, and this setback led me to pursue Social Work at Ramat Polytechnic Maiduguri, where I completed my studies and graduated.

I found my time at the Polytechnic remarkably enjoyable because my lecturers and colleagues treated me exceptionally well, acknowledging my dedication to academic excellence by generously supporting me financially. My commitment to attending lectures, meeting assignment deadlines, delivering presentations, and thoroughly exploring course materials earned me this recognition.

However, a year later, I deliberately chose to apply for Mass Communication at Unimaid instead of opting for Sociology and Anthropology, despite numerous suggestions to pursue the latter—a field closely related to Social Work. I respectfully declined these recommendations because I sought a more demanding course to equip me with the necessary skills to achieve my desired career path. This decision was endorsed and validated by one of my senior colleagues who had recently completed his Ph.D. program.

Dr. Ibrahim Uba Yusuf, a lecturer at the Department of Mass Communication, University of Maiduguri, catalysed my decision to pursue Mass Communication. His words, “You have the qualities to excel in gaining admission and thriving in Mass Communication. Your aggressive commitment to excellence, despite facing challenges, speaks volumes about your potential.” 

His encouragement didn’t stop there; he cautioned me, “However, be aware that studying Mass Communication requires substantial financial investment. There will be numerous assignments that may strain your finances, potentially burdening both you and your father.” His guidance was pivotal in my choice to apply for Mass Communication through Direct Entry (DE).

Dr. Muhsin Ibrahim, a lecturer at the University of Cologne in Germany, recounted an incident where a young girl chose to pursue microbiology in her UTME without much understanding of the field. She revealed that she was advised at an internet café while registering for the university entrance exam, leading her to select a course she had little knowledge about—an astonishing decision made on a whim.

In reflecting on this, Dr Ibrahim unveiled a broader issue: the lack of proper counselling for many young people, particularly girls, when making important educational and career decisions. While some are enthusiastic about pursuing education, others may prioritise marriage. However, those with academic aspirations often lack guidance and support, sometimes falling prey to ill-informed advice. This can lead to unfortunate outcomes.

He emphasised the urgent need for parents, relatives, and especially older siblings, to actively engage with and support younger family members in understanding their aspirations and navigating life’s challenges. Dr. Ibrahim pointed out the common failure among brothers to have meaningful conversations with their sisters about their dreams and difficulties.

He concluded by urging immediate action, stressing that it’s never too late to start engaging with and guiding our children and younger siblings regarding their career choices after completing secondary school.

Lawan Bukar Miagana writes from Borno and can be reached via email: lawanbukarmaigana@gmail.com.