Body shaming, self-loathing and the quest for validation

By Maimuna Abubakar

People’s opinions of others have always psychologically impacted their social relationships and behaviours without considering an individual’s mental state and capacities. Many people say things to each other that are more painful than some physical injuries. Often that has detrimental effects on the psychological well-being of the parties involved. The issue of body shaming often results in self-loathing and even compels people to yearn for people’s validation.

Body Shaming is the act of humiliating a person by mocking, making jest, or making critical comments about their physical appearance in the form of the person’s body size, shape or weight.

Often, those who body-shame others claim to be just joking. However, the negative impacts of body shaming are numerous; it makes victims self-conscious, brings about issues of low self-esteem and poor self-confidence, and makes victims question their self-worth. Mentally, it creates the feeling of self-disgust or shame in the victims, while some feel like they have some biological defects like something is wrong with their biological makeup.

The media, especially social media and some product marketers, have succeeded in projecting what an “ideal body type” should look like, which is where most body type critics derive their inspiration. They believe that one has to be at least close to those “ideal body types” or that such a person is lacking in their physical structure.

Although fat shaming is the most common form of body shaming, people must understand that ‘skinny shaming’ is just as hurtful as fat shaming. Because some people are naturally thin or fat, it is in their genetics. Therefore, they can’t just gain weight or lose it simply because people say they should.

Body shaming has led many people to develop eating disorders that can be fatal to their general health, such as Bulimia Nervosa and Anorexia Nervosa.

Bulimia or Bulimia Nervosa is a serious disorder that occurs chiefly in females, characterised by compulsive overeating usually followed by self-induced vomiting and is often accompanied by guilt and depression.

Anorexia or Anorexia Nervosa, on the other hand, is another serious disorder in eating behaviour characterised by a pathological fear of weight gain leading to faulty eating patterns such as prolonged starvation.

Eating disorders are currently the mental conditions with the highest mortality rates, as research statistics show in Japan, the USA and other cities worldwide (BMC Psychiatry: 2020).

Body shaming has led to so many attempted suicide. Victims of body shaming, over time, begin to hate themselves as they view themselves through the lenses their critics see them. So many potentials are not discovered because victims of body shaming dread people’s criticism about their physique and, as a result, prefer to keep themselves hidden.

When I opened up a discussion about body shaming with some of my friends and classmates, it surprised me how many of us have, at one point in life, suffered at the hands of body type critics, and some are still suffering.

One of such friends, who is chubby, told me that when she was in her second year at the university, her roommate pleaded with her not to conceal her beauty by putting on the hijab over her well-tailored dress. When she refused to oblige, her roommate accused her of being insecure about her body weight and diagnosed her with an inferiority complex. She said that comment made her see herself differently and that throughout that academic session, she questioned her every action, constantly assessing herself until she deliberately learned to love herself for who she is.

Another close friend recounted how her close friends, immediate and extended relatives, would say things like: “Ina zaki kai wannan jiki haka?”, “Da dai kin rage cin abinci ya fi ye maki saboda maza bã sã son mace mai qiba“, “Wacce ko kyau ba ki yi ba. Wannan qiba haka wazai kwasa?” Her friends will joke about her body size, “me kike ci ne haka, muma a san ma na mu ci mu yi qiba“.

They possibly may not intend to hurt her feelings, but little did they know that such comments shatter their friends’ and families’ self-esteem.

Another said that her professor kept addressing her as a married woman, always asking her about her husband and children in class. Her classmates would laugh about it, and she would laugh too. Still, it hurt her every time he made such comments because she believed he assumed she was married simply due to her plus size.

A very close friend said that when she was a teenager, she hated herself so much that she always had suicidal thoughts because people kept telling her that she was too thin, too skinny, too bonny, shapeless etc. “Don’t put on tight-fitting jeans; it’ll expose your thinness”, “Put on baggy dresses to conceal your shapelessness”, “You look more like a boy than a girl”, “You’re ugly and unattractive, please eat some fatty foods to help you gain weight so that you’ll look presentable”, etc.

Although females get more body shamed, men, too, are victims on several occasions. A cousin has refused meals several times because anytime he sits to eat, his parents remind him how fat he is growing and how he needs to watch his weight. They will always compare his size to his friends and other cousins. These are his very own parents!

Another 20-year-old I met recently told me she wished God hadn’t created her because when she was in secondary school, some of her classmates and neighbours always complained about how thin and unattractive she was. It made making friends difficult for her because she couldn’t discern who liked her for real and who was just tolerating her. She, therefore, grew up in solitude, always alone. But now she finds herself in the university and realises she can’t continue her solitary life, yet she doesn’t know how to approach people. She was literally scared of even talking to me.

So, to the parents who see fault in their children’s biologically inherited physical structure, I hope you remember your role in bringing such a child to life. If you find their body size, shape or weight repulsive, remember that your genetics created them.

To friends ( or so-called), relatives ( immediate and extended ) and other members of society, please DO NOT verbally abuse people with your judgemental, unsolicited opinions of them. There’s no nice way of body shaming; “I was just joking” is only an excuse to humiliate people whose daily struggles your feeble mind may not be able to contain.

Finally and most importantly, to the victims of people’s insensitive, inhumane criticism about how you look and why you look that way, know that YOU DO NOT need anyone’s validation to be whom you want to be. Work on yourself, eat healthy, exercise to avoid illness, and keep a healthy head space.

Maimuna Abubakar is a Sociology student at Ahmadu Bello University, Zaria. She sent this article via maimunaabubakar200@gmail.com.