By Abdelghaffar Amoka
I have read comments from some ladies on social media that they can’t marry a man who earns less than a certain value, for example, N300k. I have no issue with setting such a minimum. I am of the school of thought that a man should be able and ready to take care of a woman before making that marriage decision. It is okay to set a minimum amount that the man must bring to the table. But that means you must have also set a minimum you are bringing to the table. So, what are you bringing to the table?
Don’t tell me about your body because we all have a body we are bringing to the table. Of course, your fine face and body shape may be the first point of attraction to a man. He will be wow! See beautiful face! See fine shape! Lower your gaze, bro. But that is just a motivation. A man needs more than a pleasing face in a woman/wife to keep him going. In the words of Jim Ryun, “Motivation gets you started, but habit keeps you going”. There must be something to keep you going, or else it crashes.
In 2012, shortly after returning from the UK, I got into a talk with a lady I really liked. She told me she, too,really liked me, but her feelings for me were not enough to survive a lifetime relationship. I was happy with her honest submission. That was the most honest response I have got from a lady. So, both parties must bring something that will keep a lifetime relationship. That thing is most likely beyond your pretty face and his 300k.
There are different kinds of wives. The normal wife and the Trophy wife. Do you want to be a Trophy wife? Your body is all that is needed to be. You can be brainless; it doesn’t matter; your value is in your physical appearance. You are just a status symbol who has to ensure a flawless look to enhance the social status of your husband. He sure knows you need that money to spend on your looks to stay attractive to him and the clients you are to impress. He will make provision for that. They (Trophy wives) seem to serve the same purpose as models.
For the normal wife, your value is not your physical appearance but your personality. The same personality that made you feel he would be a great husband and father to your kids. Husband and wife are full-fledged partners in making their home happy and prosperous. They are supposed to be loyal and faithful to one another and genuinely interested in each other’s welfare and the welfare of their children. A woman is expected to exercise a humanising influence over her husband and to soften the sternness inherent in his nature.
While a fine face could be the motivation for a lifetime relationship, we are expected to bring our heads to the table. We should be able to share ideas. He should be somebody to look up to and be able to be your guide. He should also be able to tell you the ideas in his head for your input and criticism. You should be his second opinion. You should be able to help him grow his ideas.
A man is enjoined to also educate and develop the women in his care so that they cultivate the qualities in which they, by their very nature, excel. You should be willing for that development. You should be able to transform your ideas into a product, even from your kitchen, to support yourself. He will want to come home and be told: “Sweetheart, I have done so and so to transform the 100k you gave me the other time to 120k and have got so, and so plans to re-invest it for more gain”. He will be like, Yeah! That is my wife.
He may not need the money as he is responsible for taking care of you. But you should be able to support yourself in some things. You can also voluntarily support him without asking. Marriage is about growing a family. It’s not just about bringing a minimum of N300k to the table. The N300k may still not be enough if she doesn’t have what it takes to manage it. It is having what it takes to help him manage and maximise his resources for the family.
You are not a commodity. You are priceless. Stop objectifying yourself. Your worth and potential are in your head. It does not lie on that flaunted sexualised fatty part of the body. Your value is unquantifiable. Stop putting a price tag on yourself. Not even the pleasure derived from talking with each other can be priced. No amount of money can buy that. Take a lesson from those humble, beautiful women and wives who are professionals and entrepreneurs. There are a number of them that I admire every day.
To brothers, if you are looking for a Trophy wife, ensure you have the cash to maintain the trophy. Her flawless look must be kept intact against all odds.
Dear friends, be yourself and listen to yourself. Relationships are not destined to be or not to be. They work because the people involved find something interesting about themselves and are willing to make sacrifices to make it work. I hope to write about my mother someday. Don’t live by social media. Don’t get carried away by social media euphoria. Don’t let some frustrated individuals on the net confuse you. The value of family is priceless. Let’s bring our heads to the table to build that small empire for a beautiful family.
Abdelghaffar Amoka Abdelmalik, PhD, wrote from Ahmadu Bello University, Zaria. He can be reached via aaabdelmalik@gmail.com.