By Aisha Musa Auyo
One thing everyone wishes for and works towards is to succeed in life. From infancy to adulthood, up to old age, we aim to succeed in every part of our lives. But what we fail to do is also to prepare ourselves for failure. Yes, because it’s inevitable.
One of the pillars of the Islamic faith is the belief in qadr (divine will and decree), good or bad. This means that good and bad will surely ensue in life, success and otherwise. It’s how life is designed. But why do we do nothing or very little in preparing ourselves and our wards for failure? Why are we shielding ourselves and wards from the reality of life?
This may be why people cheat, as they cannot afford to fail. They just have to win at all costs. Others commit suicide. Some go on drugs because they have been unable in certain expectations or tasks.
So as parents and teachers or elders, we need to let ourselves and our wards know that failure, not consistently winning, or not being at the top is okay. It is acceptable, and life does not end there. We can always try later and do better.
Let’s show our wards and significant others they can trust us to be there for them whenever they fail. Just as they will want to come to us with success stories, they should be free to do that with failure stories. This is what unconditional support is all about. We should be a shoulder to cry on.
We should also, as parents, accept that we sometimes fail and let our kids see how we feel and how we are going about it. The norm is to show the kids that we are always succeeding and doing great, just so they can be inspired, but we are not helping them by doing so.
In summary, these are the points I want us to reflect on and ponder.
1. Prepare your child for failure. We will always have good and bad days. Let them know they cannot always win, and it’s okay.
2. Let us always put in the back of our minds and theirs that “Over every possessor of knowledge is one [more] knowing”. Qur’an 12:76
Regardless of one’s intelligence, hard work, and luck, we will surely meet others who are better than us. Let us know that we are better than others too.
3. Failure is a learning process to know what to do and what to avoid in the future. If one fails in a certain task, one may succeed in another task.
4. We should learn to compete with ourselves, not others. Set a target for yourself, and work towards achieving it.
5. Life doesn’t end or begin with school grades, work promotions, or huge profits. There’s more to life than these.
6. Good relationships, emotional intelligence, compassion, contentment, and adaptability guarantee success in every life situation.
8. It’s lonely up there: If you cheat your way up or compete to be better than everyone else, people will leave you with your success. No one wants to be with someone who always wants to be on the top by hook or crook. Cheating often backfires. And if it doesn’t, the people who made it to the top by defrauding others end up very lonely and have no genuine person to share the success with.
9. Healthy competition is okay. Being motivated by other people’s success stories is okay, but we should not cheat or compete. We are made differently.
10. Avoid social media attention or fame: The pursuit of likes, followers, and validation has led to detrimental effects on mental health, values, and overall well-being. The obsession with social media fame has resulted in a culture of superficiality, narcissism, and moral erosion, hindering the progress and development of society as a whole.
Parents and teachers must take responsibility and invest in youth development, focusing on their holistic growth, character development, and real-world contributions. By doing so, we can create a future where youth can realise their full potential and social media platforms can be used for positive change rather than as a means of self-promotion and validation.
11. School, parental, and peer pressure
School positions are not necessary; Those numbers instil unhealthy competition among students. Instead of children competing against themselves, they are pushed to compete with each other.
A student should be encouraged to push himself harder to get better grades, not in comparison with another student. Teachers should do as much as possible to adopt learner-centred teaching so that each student receives the attention they crave.
Parents should learn to accept their children when they fail. We should know our capabilities and not push ourselves and our wards to be what we can’t be. I know it’s hard to accept defeat or reward failure, but that is the moment when self-love and support are needed most. If we know we did our best, we should not be disappointed.
Parents should stop comparing siblings. Each child has his/her unique quality. A child lacking intellectual intelligence may score higher in emotional or social intelligence. Let’s focus on our highs instead of our lows.
When the storm is over, parents or guardians can discuss with the kids how to do better, with a reward or promise that will make the kid want to do better. We elders must learn to discourage cheating and encourage integrity and self-acceptance.
Aisha Musa Auyo is a Doctorate researcher in Educational Psychology, a wife, a mother of three, a Home Maker, a caterer and a parenting/ relationship coach.
Thank you and well done for this piece. This is such an important topic to ponder and always put at the back of our minds; there’s more to life than our perception of success and failure is certainly not the end of life.