By Umm Khalid
When I was in college and still single, I was considering a proposal from a certain brother (named Daniel).
I had a conversation with one of my closest friends about what qualities are important to look for in a husband. Alhamdulillah, this Saudi friend was 5 years older than me and had seen many of her peers get married, and she gave me some wise advice.
She told me, “After checking on the basics, his deen and his خلق (character), you know what the most critical qualities are? He needs to be هَيِّن لَيِّن.”
These two Arabic words refer to basically the same general characteristic: one of ease, leniency. A man who is laidback, relaxed, easygoing. Basically, he should be a chill dude.
Of course, he can’t be chill about everything. We all have to stand for something, to care deeply about SOME issues, to be strict in SOME matters. But he should be strict when it matters, when it’s warranted; like when it comes to the commands and limits set by Allah, for example. Then he should absolutely not be chill or lenient, as that amounts to negligence and abandonment of the laws of Allah, and that leads to destruction.
But when it comes to other matters, smaller issues of inconsequential everyday things, you want your husband to be laidback. Not uptight, nitpicky, rigid, inflexible, exacting, OCD about the littlest things, overly sensitive to every small detail. Some people, just by their nature or personality, would be classified by most as “difficult people.”
You don’t want this type of rigidity in a husband. It makes everyday life unnecessarily stressful. Life is already hard enough by itself, that the last thing we need is a spouse who nitpicks and needs everything to be just so. Then married life would be a nightmare.
A good husband is a man who is tough or strict when he needs to be, but with his wife in their home life, he is relaxed and easy. He has a fun side and a sense of humor about life’s ups and downs, and is understanding when things go south. He is lenient with her and indulgent and forgiving (up to a point, of course! Within reason!). He doesn’t, for example, ask her why she moved this small object from this side table to the coffee table, or castigate her for accidentally putting in the wrong address into the GPS, or flip out if dinner is 15 minutes late or on the verge of being under-salted, or interrogate her about small and inconsequential details that are innocuous. Someone who acts this way is usually not easy to be around or live with.
You want your husband to be easy to live with. Because… you will live with him.
Alhamdulillah, now looking back more than a decade later, I completely confirm that advice. An easygoing, chill husband is an enormous blessing.
Of course, the thing is: as a wife, don’t forget to return the favor! If you are blessed with a chill husband, extend the same courtesy back to him and let the little things go. Don’t nitpick or nag him when he annoys you. No person is perfect.
